And I shall find you...

 

 

 

 

Letting go



image via Mindfulness Ireland

 

Just another day

it's a sign. it's a heart, it is love. taken at the airshow
at Jones Beach two weekends ago.

Did I tell you that Thoriq is now in flying school? One step closer to being a pilot, God willing. And it has been almost a year since I moved over here with the two boys. It feels pretty surreal at times that a whole school year is almost over for them. and come June 16, it will be a year since we have moved here. I  am still jobless and pretty much friendless, haha. Well I know people, there are a few who drop by to say hello and even stay for a bit of a chat and clearing up whatever dessert I have left on the table. But they are not friends like the ones I have back home. They are people I say hello to when I meet them on the street or the person who happens to be the wife of the handyman who fixes stuff at the house or the handyman himself. Or friends of the husband's. It sounds pretty pathetic I know, but Adam said it is because I choose to be alone and refuse to socialize. Which I disagree of course. I do not just go out there and socialize. I do when I need to and when I do not, I would rather stay home doing what I enjoy doing - read, bake, pottering around. It does get lonely at teeny tiny times but honestly I am not complaining. My life revolves around the boys and Adam, and I know that that is not good but I am pretty much contented at this point of time. I do not know if it is age. I do not find the need to go out a lot or have friends around me. I much prefer friends back home which does not leave me much of an option of course. Perhaps it is because I do not work and thus, do not get to make friends. My neighbor is pretty aloof. We say hello or nod if we see each other outside. She does not seems to be too interested to have a conversation with me and I have much given up on trying. Why bother trying to make a conversation when the other party obviously is not interested. At times, I do not even know if I am really sorry for myself  or pretending to be, and telling Adam that I must be so pathetic for not having friends at all. I enjoy my time alone at home when the boys are in school and Adam is at work and once the boys are home, I am always busy with making dinner and cleaning and then get too tired for anything else. Plus I would much rather just spend time with Adam once the boys are in bed despite the fact that he would be absorbed in getting his kingdom saved while preparing to attack others (ok it is a game) and I would be watching a TV series on my iPad while folding clothes, or doing some reading or checking my Facebook or WhatsApp-ing or Viber-ing friends or family or Thoriq. Anyway yes that is pretty much how it is for me these days. Cleaning up, laundry and off for my run and/or brisk walk in the morning. Pick up the boys in the afternoon and then cooking and cleaning and checking on boys, folding clothes. And at times I still manage to get another round of brisk walk, reading and baking in between everything else. And I am ok, not complaining and I secretly wish that I do not have to work any longer (although this is no secret anymore now that I have blabbed all here) since home and the boys including the big boy are lots of work enough.

Anyway back to Thoriq, yes, the eldest boy is in a flying academy in Langkawi Island (in the northern part of Malaysia, a beautiful island too I must add). He will be there for the next 18 to 24 months, the duration which very much depends on the weather as they need to have a certain amount of flying hours completed and at times weather can be a factor and bad weather means no flying and no flying means extension. I am really hoping he would study hard for this as he has been so passionate about flying with all his time spent on flight simulator in the past two or three years. Not to mention the fact also that his father and I are putting a huge amount of money to get him through this school.  Flying school is no joke when it comes to the cost. I also hope being away from home and living in a dorm (more like a room with just him and a room mate) will teach him to be independent and he will finally learn to be an adult and be responsible with the choices he makes..

As for Thaqif and Ruiz, they have been pretty much getting through school rather smoothly. Both have been maintaining at least a 3.6 GPA and Ruiz has twice earned a place on the honours roll with Thaqif missing it by a few miserable points which is still a good feat taking into account that they have just moved here from a totally different country with a totally different education system and culture. But Thaqif surprised me when he actually made the cut to be on the track team and has been to a number of meet at other schools with today's being the final one. The track and field team will be having a pizza party in school tomorrow to call the season a day and I believe it has been a good experience for him. We joke that he runs fast because he is skinny. Ruiz shoots up in height. Although both he and Thaqif are getting taller by the day, Ruiz at the age of 12 is tall for his age, slimming down too, although he has not lost all his chubbiness as yet and has again beaten Thaqif in height, maybe by a half inch or so. Graduation for Thaqif is in three weeks and he will be off to High School comes September. Again how time flies. Adam said "ah what is a year?" when I told him this morning that I can't believe that it has already been almost a year since we moved here.

Ramadan is again beckoning us. In less than a month, we head into the holiest month and two weeks after that we will be heading home to KL. I know Adam prefers me to call this home but I now call both KL and NY home. So we, minus Adam unfortunately, will be in KL for the rest of Ramadan and to celebrate Eid, and we will leave for home in NY towards the end of August. Mak is all excited about me making the trip back and told me that I should head straight for their house from the airport. Bak sounded happy enough when I told him but Bak has always been the cool one and so I am not sure if he is even anywhere near excited like Mak. But I am so looking forward to going back and meeting the family and friends. Unfortunately Adam will not be able to make it due to work and I will only have a short time to spend with Thoriq. Regardless I am thankful to Allah for everything and for this chance at going home to see Bak and Mak and everyone else who matters a lot to me.




soon, it will be farewell to Spring

Spring is almost over. Summer is already making itself felt. It is hot, hot, hot today. Ramadan is around the corner. Home in KL is beckoning me. I have much to look forward to insyaa Allah. I shall not waste my time pondering over how it would feel when it comes to leaving KL for NY. I will take each day as it comes, savour each and every one of them, the moments and time to be spent with all my loved ones. There no doubt will be tears when I leave, but there will be so much joy, the tears will be worth it all.

Gotta run now. Beef stew has been in the oven for the past hour and a half with another hour and a half to go. I have rice to cook and Thaqif to pick up from school. Adam will be home very late as he has a business meeting after his clinic ends at 730pm. And I still have clothes to fold and some reading to sneak in. It's past 6pm and another day is almost over for us here while another day is just beginning over there in Malaysia for all the people whom I love. May Allah ease their way, keep them in His protection and bless them with lots and lots of happiness. And most of all, for always, I wish them... a whole lot of love.




 

All that you are

Dedicated to my three boys :)



found on pinterest

P/S  When I told my Thaqif in the middle about this, quoted some of its words and came to the "flip to my flop" part, he cheekily asked me, "but what if I am your flop, not your flip?"  I could only roll my eyes.  I seems to be doing a lot of that these days.


 

Apabila gilakan Allah

I am quoting the words below from a comment that I found by "anonymous", made in regards to the passing of Syaikh Raja Ashman which I fell in love with immediately. And I hope that someday I will achieve that crazy in love feeling with Allah, and like Mr Anonymous, I can someday say the words, "aku gilakan Allah dan memburu akhirat" (loosely translated as - I am crazy in love with Allah and I am going all out for the hereafter). God willing...



image courtesy of Sinners Almanac

"Apabila cintaku berpadu dengan Allah,

maka butalah aku dengan yang lain."

 

 

 

 

Adieu Pak Cu

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.
Adieu Pak Cu. May Allah bless your soul, place you among the righteous and bless you with Jannah. I will forever remember your infectious laugh, your tease, your jokes and definitely your kind heart. 


When I die
when my coffin 
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world.

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling 
into a monster's abyss.

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love.

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind.

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down.

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed.

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human.

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well.

when for the last time 
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place, no time.

- Rumi
Ghazal number 911

April 22, 2014, 2am