Adieu Pak Cu

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.
Adieu Pak Cu. May Allah bless your soul, place you among the righteous and bless you with Jannah. I will forever remember your infectious laugh, your tease, your jokes and definitely your kind heart. 


When I die
when my coffin 
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world.

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling 
into a monster's abyss.

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love.

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind.

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down.

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed.

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human.

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well.

when for the last time 
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place, no time.

- Rumi
Ghazal number 911

April 22, 2014, 2am

i die a little, each time we say goodbye

Did not just say goodbye to 2012 but the eve of new year also saw me saying goodbye to my Thaqif in the middle.  Sent him up north to Baling, Kedah for his second year in boarding school.  Left Baling pretty late after registration, helping him to clean up and unpack, ensuring he had pretty much settled down with his things, and after having ourselves a very late lunch or more like tea, since it was already 3-ish by then. Hugged him tight and told him I would see him again soon.  I did not want him to see us go, so I walked him back to the entrance of his block after he had said goodbye to his father and brothers, and I watched him walked away from me. He smiled at me before turning to go, but not before I caught him choking back a tear.  Nevertheless, he was a lot better than when I left him there for his first year.  In fact both of us were. As I walked back to the car, I was pretty much holding back my own tears. None made it down my cheeks this time, but stayed watering in my eyes. I guess I just don't and won't get used to saying goodbye to Thaqif, even with all that so called training I have been getting from saying goodbye to Adam. It always pained me somehow. Ruiz had asked me earlier if I would be crying all the way home just like I did the first time. I told him that perhaps I would not if Thaqif does not cry first. Regardless, I know Ruiz was offering to hold my hand in case I cried like before, and I was comforted by that knowledge that I would have my baby's hand to hold on to if I did cry all the way back to KL.

everytime we say goodbye
i die a little
everytime we say goodbye
i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me
they allow you to go...

adieu

i packed most of my things at my office today. shredded and threw many things, mainly notebooks, documents, print outs of PR related matters, and name cards that i have been holding on to for many years. funny that i kept them for so long when i actually didn't need any of them, have never needed them since a long time ago. most of the business cards i threw have names of people whom i can hardly remember.  i am pretty sure that many of them have probably even left the organisations they were with.  even so, i felt difficult to actually throw some of the things out. notebooks of many years ago, detailing out tasks and assignments of the day, things that needed to be done, priorities listed out, numbers and names of contacts, suppliers, media members, plans for community programmes - all these going as far back as fifteen years ago or more. for a while, and it was quite a long while, it felt like i was throwing a big part of my life away.  the feelings lingered, my throat choking as i held back tears, as i pushed myself to throw the things i never needed all this while but having a hard time parting with. i just threw them into the trash bag, willing myself not to fish them out.  a number of things, i had a second look at, having a hard time to decide, to keep or to throw.  how is it that i never look for them all this while, never had any need of them and yet find difficulty in throwing out? 
i have packed almost all my other things. have to admit some i am still keeping not because i need them but more of the sentimental value i have of those things, mainly scraps of papers, little gifts, poems i wrote many years ago related to people i love, have loved and lost along the way. some, no matter how close to my heart they are, i pulled all my strength to part with, shredded them into a million pieces... for a while, it was shredding a part of my life, my soul...
as i walked from the office kitchen to the front, i looked around and remembered when we had first moved in. how we had painted the walls, a number of us, deciding on the colours, each one having their own part of the walls to paint. we were loud and happy, and had looked forward to many good years then. but things changed, the years never got easy, we had our ups and downs, still a lot of laughs, many disappointments and frustrations, we still had hopes and many people came and went. 
i remember so many things. i can close my eyes and see those years of vanessa and i, and many of the girls and guys that have worked with us, each leaving their mark, each giving us some happiness, some disappointments, some new things to learn with and about. life will never be quite the same again. 
as i drove home this afternoon, i felt this emptiness in my heart that i could not quite grasp.  i know i am doing the right thing as i move forward with my life, i know i am doing what is required for my future and perhaps it won't feel as bad as time passes. but right now, my throat still chokes up a tear, my heart still aches with emptiness and my soul still whimpers like a little child...