adieu

i packed most of my things at my office today. shredded and threw many things, mainly notebooks, documents, print outs of PR related matters, and name cards that i have been holding on to for many years. funny that i kept them for so long when i actually didn't need any of them, have never needed them since a long time ago. most of the business cards i threw have names of people whom i can hardly remember.  i am pretty sure that many of them have probably even left the organisations they were with.  even so, i felt difficult to actually throw some of the things out. notebooks of many years ago, detailing out tasks and assignments of the day, things that needed to be done, priorities listed out, numbers and names of contacts, suppliers, media members, plans for community programmes - all these going as far back as fifteen years ago or more. for a while, and it was quite a long while, it felt like i was throwing a big part of my life away.  the feelings lingered, my throat choking as i held back tears, as i pushed myself to throw the things i never needed all this while but having a hard time parting with. i just threw them into the trash bag, willing myself not to fish them out.  a number of things, i had a second look at, having a hard time to decide, to keep or to throw.  how is it that i never look for them all this while, never had any need of them and yet find difficulty in throwing out? 
i have packed almost all my other things. have to admit some i am still keeping not because i need them but more of the sentimental value i have of those things, mainly scraps of papers, little gifts, poems i wrote many years ago related to people i love, have loved and lost along the way. some, no matter how close to my heart they are, i pulled all my strength to part with, shredded them into a million pieces... for a while, it was shredding a part of my life, my soul...
as i walked from the office kitchen to the front, i looked around and remembered when we had first moved in. how we had painted the walls, a number of us, deciding on the colours, each one having their own part of the walls to paint. we were loud and happy, and had looked forward to many good years then. but things changed, the years never got easy, we had our ups and downs, still a lot of laughs, many disappointments and frustrations, we still had hopes and many people came and went. 
i remember so many things. i can close my eyes and see those years of vanessa and i, and many of the girls and guys that have worked with us, each leaving their mark, each giving us some happiness, some disappointments, some new things to learn with and about. life will never be quite the same again. 
as i drove home this afternoon, i felt this emptiness in my heart that i could not quite grasp.  i know i am doing the right thing as i move forward with my life, i know i am doing what is required for my future and perhaps it won't feel as bad as time passes. but right now, my throat still chokes up a tear, my heart still aches with emptiness and my soul still whimpers like a little child...