Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

the passing of a sufi master

It's my wedding night!

With my lover, I will be

For that, make holiday.

Make dance.

Make festival.

-Rumi-

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'oon. syaikh raja ashman passed away on thursday night/ early friday morning at 1.30am at 54 years of age due to asthma attack. it was shortly after an evening of dhikr (offering prayers and meditations to God) with his followers, a normal occasion every thursday evening at the zawiya. it will always be my regret for not having had the chance to meet him for i have heard so much of his humble nature, his love and kindness to others and especially his devoutness to Allah and the beloved Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), despite being a prince and of a royal family. may Allah bless his soul and place him among the righteous. to Allah we belong and unto Him do we return. Al-Fatihah.

Wherever we set foot

On this wonderful Friday,

Wherever we set foot, it was Your street

Whatever corner we turned, it was Your name in the air.

We said, 'Surely there would be a road leading elsewhere?'

But every road we found, it led to You.

- Isma'il Anqarawi -

Juma'ah Mubarak everyone.

from Rumi III

much to tell but too little time and have to make this a quick post. thaqif was home for a week and has gone back. everything good have to come to an end, eventually and unfortunately. it was hard to part ways for both thaqif and i, and he cried when i was leaving him and again that breaks my heart. on another more uplifting note, i have submitted my three chapters of research work which is also my defence proposal to the faculty last week, yes there was a mistake about the defence dates, and Alhamdulillah, Allah has eased my way, and insyaAllah in two to three weeks time, i will be defending my proposal. at the same time, i have gotten the green light to continue with my data collection part of the research and i am now terribly busy getting and going for the interviews and transcribing. the transcribing is the worse part and taking so much of my time, it is kinda driving me half insane there. a close friend who happens to be a lecturer and thus has gone through the same trying times told me i should listen to that old song "I will Survive". maybe i would take up his suggestion soon, ha ha. anyhow i have to run, because i have lots to do, and time waits for no man, in my case woman. just wanted to share these beautiful verses from Rumi with you as it touches my heart when i stumbled upon it, and it is something i wish to share with others. oh and the picture is courtesy of another blog which i should give credit to, but i can't seems to track it back. i will insyaAllah and when i do, shall post up the credit for the lovely picture which is a calligraphy i believe, and sketched beautifully into the figure of a whirling dervish. anyhow, i really have to run now, enjoy the lovely verses and have a wonderful day filled with sunshine everyone, and may Allah bless you always.

In Your light I learned how to love

In Your beauty, how to make poems

You danced inside my chest where no one sees You

but sometimes I do

and that sight become this art.

- Jalaluddin Rumi -

from Rumi II

the moment I first heard of love

I gave up my soul, my heart, and my eyes

I wondered, could it be that

the lover and the beloved are two?

no, they have always been one

it is I who have been seeing double.

- Rumi -