the blessings of nisfu syaaban

Tonight is the night of nisfu syaaban or mid-shaaban when records of your deeds for the year would be closed and a new book will be opened to record your deeds for the upcoming year. i grow up hearing people talk about this night but never actually understood what it is all about. i know the elders tend to fast on 15 syaaban but again, I never knew the significance behind this night and the day itself.  i have scoured over a number of materials on the internet looking for the "story" behind it and out of many, this one from nurscaredsciences.com touched the core of my heart with the beautiful sayings from the Prophet (PBUH) and it makes me see this night of mid-shaaban in a different light, this time from my heart, with actual understanding...

The night of mid-Shaaban is a night of immense spiritual benefit and there are many hadiths that have been transmitted regarding this night.  Ibn Maja relates on the authority of Aisha saying, "I did not find the Prophet (pbuh) one night, so I went out looking for him and he was in al-Baqi with his head raised to the sky. He said, 'O' Aisha, do you fear that God would be unjust with you or his Prophet?'" She said, "I said: 'No but I thought you may have gone to another one of your wives.' He said: 'On the Night of Mid-Shaban, God the Exalted descends to the heavens of the earth and forgives a number [of people] greater than the hairs of the sheep of the [tribe] of Kalb (known for their many sheep).

Al-Bayhaqi also relates on her authority saying, "The messenger of God stood [in prayer] and lengthened his prostration until I thought that he died. When I saw this, I got up to move his finger and it moved. And so iI went back. When he rose his head in prostration towards me and completed his prayers he said, ' O Aisha or O Humayra, did you believe that the Prophet was deceiving you? I said: 'By God, no. But I thought you died because of the length of your prostration. He said: 'Do you know what night this is?' I said: 'God and His Messenger know best.' He said: 'This is the night of Mid-Shaaban. God looks at His servants the noght of Mid-Shaaban, and He forgives those seeking forgiveness, has mercy on those seeking mercy, and leaves the bearers of grudges as they are.'"

She also related: "God the Exalted showers goodness in abundance during four nights: the nights of Adha and Fitr (i.e. the nights of the two Ids), the night of Mid-Shaʿbān in which deaths and provisions are determined as are the pilgrimages written, and the evening of Arafa until the call to prayer."

On the authority of Abi Thalaba al-Khushani (RA), the Prophet (pbuh) said: 'When it becomes the Night of Mid-Shaaban, God looks at His creation and forgives the believers, maintains the disbelievers (in their disbelief), and leaves the bearer of grudges in their enmity until they abandon their [resentment].'

In another hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) made the following supplication during his prostration in Mid-Shaaban. "Aisha (RA) said: 'The night of Mid-Shaaban was my night. And the Messenger of God was at my place...He then went into prostration and said. 'I seek refuge in Your good-pleasure from Your anger. And I seek refuge in Your forgiveness from Your punishment. And I seek refuge in You from You. I am incapable of Your praise. You are as You have praised Yourself.

BERSIH 2.0 - glad that i had gone

it was saturday, july 9, 2011. the day i had waited for, also anticipated by many malaysians. it was a day when supporters of Bersih (an NGO - The Coalition for Fair and Clean Elections) were to walk peacefully in support for a clean and fair elections. the first time it was held was back in november 2007 which saw thousands of ordinary malaysians take the streets for the same cause. back then, at least 50,000 people turned up and were greeted with tear gas and water cannons by the FRU. and this time we had anticipated the same thing, except much worse as the police were already going beserk a week prior to july 9, by making sweeping arrests on individuals associated to Bersih and even those found to be wearing or selling the yellow Bersih tshirts.

three days before D day, the police were already carrying out roadblocks at highways and roads leading into the city centre. our Prime Minister had pretty much suffered a memory loss (note the sarcasm), a selected one i must say, as he refused to decide on granting Bersih the Merdeka Stadium to rally in, instead of the streets as he had offered earlier in the week. he had then passed the buck to the police, call it having no balls on his part to take responsibility.  the police reacted by refusing a permit for the rally to be held and ignored the olive branch extended by those heading the rally, and instead started making indirect threats with statements such as "i cannot guarantee any loss of lives on the day."  the govt controlled mainstream media began parroting the leader by warning people from attending the rally and from wearing anything yellow. ridiculously, the IGP warned the public that they will be arrested if they are not only found to be wearing or selling the shirt, but also if they are wearing or seen to be promoting anything in the colour of yellow, be it a bag, shoes, even buses...how ridiculous can someone get?  the police and media went on a fear mongering mode, intimidating the public, while roadblocks were making life hell for commuters and those who had to drive in and out of KL for work and other matters.

during the heavy rain at one of the hotspot areas where
my brother was

by friday evening, traffic was a havoc and the media issued news that the bus stations and LRT stations would be shut down. i had earlier planned on leaving at 11am on saturday from my parents' place together with my older nieces. however saturday morning came and we were not even sure what we could do, afraid that we could not get into KL as it had pretty much been locked down.  not being sure of how to get access into KL, i was at my FB Bersih wall all morning, either helping to update on latest news or giving morale support to those going or already there, and  keeping abreast with the latest news and info. i decided to ask if there were LRT stations that were open and upon passing on the info to my brothers, i decided once and for all that i had to go. by hook or by crook, i had to be there to give my support to Bersih and show our corrupted govt that they cannot in any way intimidate us.

the massive crowd

by the time my nieces and i met, it was already almost 2pm and i was restless because i did not want to miss out on the action. we boarded the LRT at kelana jaya station (the last point in PJ) and had planned earlier what to say to the police if we get stopped (many got stopped and bags and cellphones checked just to ensure they were not going into KL for Bersih).  i didnt dare carry anything that could connect me to Bersih just incase i get stopped and blocked into entering KL. i wanted so much to take along my yellow shirt with me but i would rather get into KL wearing a different colour shirt than not to get in at all. so there we were, all four of us, without anything to prepare us for the worse of the rally, no towels to protect us from the tear gas, no salt to put into our mouth incase of water cannons, just faith and spirit accompanying us to look and join our Bersih comrades. 

the heavy handedness of the police- - note the
guy on the ground

we got down at Dang Wangi station and, lo and behold, we were there right on time to join a massive crowd walking and chanting opposite of the station. i was high in spirits just looking at and hearing them. we crossed the street and quickly got into the crowd. they were chanting "Hidup Bersih" (Long Live Bersih) and "Hidup Rakyat" (Long Live the People) and we joined in. the group made a u-turn as they received news to head for KLCC (where our famous landmark of the twin towers is) and we followed the leaders chanting all the way. everyone was in high spirits and i turned to see many of all ages and races. there were malays, indians and chinese and my thought went to some of my racist friends who were so sure that the non-malays would not turn up, and wished i could make them see what i was witnessing (regardless i think they are too racist to care). there was a malay man who might have sprained his ankle sitting at the roadside and was attended to by a chinese guy, people of different races and religion walking next to each other, making conversations, striking new friendships, and chanting the same words, such contrast of what the government and the racists in the country were trying to portray. i was a little worried about my brother who was caught in hot spots in KL where tear gas was released and he had in one or two occassions felt the sting, and had to run to escape, but went back to join the crowd, not in any way held back by any fear he was feeling.

our group at the intersection of KLCC

we walked pass the renaissance hotel, the saloma bistro, the tourist centre and it was all good. the leaders controlled traffic, asking us to make way and ensured everything done peacefully and in order. we passed by a row of police officers behind barriers and we waved at them, made peace signs and started chanting "Peace, peace, we want peace." some of them smiled back and just looked at us, not too sure if some actually did wave back. we got to the intersection of KLCC and the leader instructed us to sit but we kind of loitered around a bit, booing each time the helicopters hovered over us. and when the opposition leaders who are associated with Bersih turned up and stood on top of a car, we were asked to sit down.

it was such a massive crowd, i could hardly see the rest beyond. we cheered and chanted accordingly but being quite a distance from the speakers, and with no hailer, we could hardly make out what was said. by then, one of my nieces was feeling a little faint and we decided that it was time to head for the LRT and make our way out. it was after 4pm anyway and i was told that many other groups in other areas had begun to disperse if not done already. there were several people also who decided to leave and we walked towards the KLCC entrance and all of a sudden we heard the helicopter again followed by shouts of "lari, lari" (run, run). we knew then that the FRU were there and maybe some police were already behind us. as we ran, we found that the security at KLCC had barricaded all entrances and refused to allow us entry. we ran around and i had to think of a safe place to get my nieces to and was worried that my sick niece would not be able to run fast enough or might pass out. as my brains went into a "pressured thinking" mode, a stranger working with KLCC or Isetan, i cant actually quite remember pointed us the way to escape. we followed the lead with some others and ran around to find one entrance at Isetan retail store still open. we ran in and were greeted by shocked looks of the sales people. we quickly headed for the 'ladies' as i needed to have my niece sit and rest. not sure of what was going on outside but pretty much expecting the water cannons and tear gas to be unrolled full steam outside, we found out that we were locked in Isetan due to security reasons. hungry and tired from not having any lunch, and curious about what was going on outside, we waited and pretended to be shoppers though i think some of the sales people actually suspected us as "dissents" from the demonstration. after almost half hour, we were let out but found that the LRT station at KLCC had been closed down. after a quick bite, we headed outside not quite knowing what to expect.  the scene outside was of calm with many loitering around, and we knew just by the exchanges of looks between us, that we had all been involved in the earlier demonstration. there were no taxis in sight, neither were we expecting any because of the lock down of KLCC area. we had to walk to find an area where we hoped we could locate taxis or some form of transport to get us back to PJ. it was almost 6 by then and we were actually passing by groups of FRUs on horses complete with their riot gear, and groups of police officers in their uniform, and others whom we "know" were in the Bersih group with us. some were just sitting around, perhaps figuring out how to get out of the area, and some walking "aimlessly" like us heading in all sorts of directions.


my brother and the new multi-racial friends he made during the rally

when we were at ampang park, where many had gathered with some just looking at the FRU group across the street (trucks, horses and what nots), i found out that the LRT station there was open, alhamdulillah. there was a long queue to purchase the tickets but it moved fast enough. it was a relief to finally be on the LRT and along the way, more supporters boarded at different stations. we knew they were supporters as much as they had probably known the same about us. somehow after that long day of fighting for the same cause, and eventhough we were not clad in yellow, there was that same look that we shared. the look of satisfaction that we had defied the government's effort in trying to intimidate us, in trying to break us apart, in trying to incite hatred amongst us of different races and religion. instead of all that, it was a day when we united, when we turned up despite the threats and heavy roadblocks and lock down of KL, and what a multi-racial turnout it was.

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was reported to have said "When you see kemunkaran (evil), fight it with your hands (meaning, rise up in opposition). If you fear to fight it with your hands then fight it with your mouth (meaning, speak out against it). And if you still fear to fight it with your mouth then hate it in your heart. But those who only dare hate it in their heart is the sign of a very weak Muslim."

i am glad that i had gone.

fatima, prophecy of death, sadness & joy

Narrated ‘Aisha (raa): The Prophet (saw) called his daughter Fatima (raa) during his illness in which he died, and told her a secret whereupon she wept.

Then he called her again and told her a secret whereupon she laughed.

When I asked her about that, she replied, "The Prophet (saw) spoke to me in secret and informed me that he would die in the course of the illness during which he died, so I wept. He again spoke to me in secret and informed me that I would be the first of his family to follow him (after his death) and on that I laughed."


Companions of the Prophet – Sahih Bukhari: Volume 5, Book 57, Number 62

little things that make me swoon

today adam told me one of the sweetest things ever. it isn't a cliche but probably it is no biggie either but it made my heart soar and have me smiled all day long, even as i type this out now...

"i take care of myself better when u are around bcos i realise how precious life is when i look at u" - from New York with ♥

journey

"in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity" 

my journey of difficulty has started, and all this in seeking that opportunity for a better future. i am referring to my journey in completing my master's.  finally started in may, and i would be lying if i say i am not nervous or anxious, having left studies a long, long time ago.  this is a new ballgame totally for me. studies this time is uncomparable to studying for my first degree where you go for classes, sit for exams and complete assignments. i have this time unlike many people, opted to do my master's in research mode. not many people like that, choosing instead to go for coursework, a simpler, much more relaxing mode of attending classes and doing all other tasks similar to when they were back doing their first degree. in this short two months i started, i realised what a challenge master's by research is. the strong discipline you need in getting your work going, the mess you can be in when you cannot find any literature that you need, the confusion you get into which is often, trust me, the pressure to start and producing work and i mean valid work that will show you are progressing.  after my first weekend of research skills seminar last weekend, i realised that this is a good learning process for me if i ever intend to pursue my PhD, as they are similar in the way things are done. they both need to be in research mode, a lot of researching and writing, a pressuring need to ensure you have exhausted all avenues when it comes to literature and past studies in order to be able to make a claim in your own study. i met a number of PhD students that two days, infact most of the students who attended the seminar were made up of PhD students and i was actually relieved that they too including the rest of the master students were more or less in a confused mode.  many are getting ready for their defend of proposal stage and i myself am targeting to have it done by august, insyaAllah.  but before i can even come to that, i have so much to do and read and write.  and since my area of research is so current - social media and malaysian politics, i am so worked up in ensuring i am updated about the current happenings in our political scene.  i have drawn up a very tight schedule for my research work and i realised i come off looking too ambitious which i mentioned to my supervisor the other day.  but he has been really supportive in saying that it is doable and achievable and that by all means, if i am able, to stick to what i have drawn up. i am pressured to meet my deadlines, i am stressed to a point, my work is at the top of my head most times, infact i woke up one morning panicking on lagging behind and feeling totally lost.  it is of no assurance that my supervisor and the other professors at the seminar stressing that we will go through many episodes of that from time to time. i am also looking out for my relationship with Allah, finding the medicine to my soul, realising fully well that He is totally all i need for seeing the light ahead of what is now a pretty dim tunnel.  but insyaAllah i have faith, and i must see myself through this, and i believe that what is a dim tunnel now will be brighter soon. i remember one of the professors at the seminar saying that master's by research or PhD is a selfish journey, a journey of me, myself and i, a journey that's likened to a bed of roses - smells and looks good but painful when u lie on the bed. but for us to persevere and the journey will be better eventually.

as for adam, Alhamdulillah he is doing well in his rotation. he has completed two of his cores - OBGYN and surgical, and is now on his third which is family practice with another 3 weeks to go i think.  he is up for 12 weeks of  internal medicine right after. he would have two more cores to complete - pediatric and psychology and in between he would probably sit for the first part of his exam.  he has been getting As in his papers, and i am really proud of him.  but the problem that is plaguing him constantly is financial which i wish i can help out with but unable to unfortunately.  aside from that, he met many muslim friends of various racial background when he was doing surgical. he ended up being closest to one whom i had pinned much hope on teaching adam with matters relating to practising Islam such as solat and reading and memorising the important surahs.  he had infact initially sent adam some materials on Islam and they spent some time on and off discussing Islam. unfortunately they are both doing different rotations now and there isn't much contact of late.  can't say that i am not disappointed but i am praying that their path will meet again soon or Allah will bring someone else who can help in guiding adam in being a better muslim.

funny but not in the laugh out loud sense that adam and i are both studying with the hope that the end result of this journey, with all the stress, distance, pain and heartache, will give us a good life together. we have lesser time with each other these days but so far, we have been staying pretty solid i would say, on matters pertaining to the future that we want together.  i know what i want right now but i am also very much aware that i can only plan things.  that what would actually happen ahead will all be in God's hands, and in Him, i place all my faith, doa and hope for the best.  

dance, even if u have nowhere to do it

"Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."


— Kurt Vonnegut

what should i do?

Wahb bin Munabbih (RH) said:

A scholar once asked another greater than him in knowledge, “How much should I build?” He replied, “As much as shelters you from the sun and the rain.”
He asked, “How much food should I eat?” He replied, “More than what keeps you hungry and less than what makes you full.”
He asked, “How much should I wear?” He replied, “As the Messiah (Jesus) did.”
He asked, “How much should I laugh?” He replied, “As much as appears on your face but does not make audible your voice.”
He asked, “How much should I cry?” He replied, “Never tire from crying out of the fear of Allâh.”
He asked, “How much should I hide my deeds?” He replied, “Until people think you had not done a good deed.”
He asked, “How much should I make public my deeds?” He replied, “As much as will let the keen follow your example but not have the people talk about you.”

Wahb said. “Everything has two ends and a middle. If you grab one end, the other will slant, but if you take the middle, both ends will balance. Stick to the balanced middle in all affairs.”

Related by Abu Nu’aym.