throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...