letting go

my thaqif in the middle who has just turned 12 last december 6 received an offer to further his secondary studies at Mara Junior Science College (MRSM) in Baling, Kedah, at least a 5-hour drive from KL. it is a Cambridge programme where he will sit for both the O level examination at the end of form four enabling him to further his studies overseas a year ahead of his peers in normal programme offered in other MRSMs (and public schools) and without sitting for the Malaysian Education Certificate or SPM at the end of form five. then again, the students are encouraged to continue with form five and sit for SPM. i have always wanted my boys to have this opportunity and this cambridge programme is a new programme offered in only four MRSMs out of just over 40 MRSMs all over Malaysia, i believe. and for thaqif to be selected after sitting for an interview and examination last december is to be thankful for. of course there is a tinge of pride that he has been selected but then again, he could not have done it without the blessings of Allah. and i was totally leaving it to Him when it comes to thaqif's future.

anyhow, thaqif is slated to register on january 25 and despite being excited over him getting the offer, i found myself crying for a few days after having pretty much decided that he should not let this opportunity pass. i initially thought that if he actually succeeded but is placed in an MRSM as far as Baling, i would not let him go. but now that he has gotten in and ironically enough to the last place i had hoped for, i could not just say no. it would be great for his future i am sure. but... i am having a hard time letting go.

as i write this, i am crying, fearing how i would feel when i leave him behind. i hope he will be ok too because if he isn't, it would be even harder for me to get through my days. i know in time, he will settle down and perhaps enjoy his boarding school life to the fullest. and i would probably get used to it but not fully enough that not one day will pass that i shall not miss him. my little boy is growing up and is leaving the nest before i am prepared to let go. maybe i will never be prepared enough no matter how old he is. but this, this is too early. and i am having such a difficult time.

this reminds me of my conversation with a pediatrician about the bond between mothers and their kids. "the doctor might have cut off the umbilical cord when we give birth, but in reality, the invisible umbilical cord between a mother and her child grows longer each day, that there could never be the right day to let go."

i shall miss u my baby, every second of my every day...

the significant events on 10 Muharram

Today 10 Muharram is the day of Ashura when many significant events happened on this date.

Amongst them:

• The skies, oceans, heavens and earth came into existence
• Prophet Adam and Hawa were created
• Prophet Adam's taubat accepted by Allah swt
• Prophet Isa (Jesus) raised to the skies
• Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) received the status of Khaleelullah
• Prophet Yacob (Jacob) met Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) after 40 years
• Prophet Noh's (Noah) ark came on land
• Prophet Sulaiman (Solomon) received his kingdom
• Prophet Ayub regained his health
• Prophet Musa (Moses) rescued his people and Allah swt drowned the Pharaoh at Red Sea
• Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) grandson, Hussein bin Ali (ra) was martyred in Karbala

 And it is said that Qiamat will also happen on the 10th of Muharram.

Abu Qataada (ra) has related that the Prophet (pbuh) has reported to have said, "It is my thought that by fasting on the 10th of Muharram Allah Ta'aalaa will pardon the sins of the past year." (Tirmizi). Shaykhain Tirmizi & Haakim has narrated from Anas (ra) the following verse: "Allah may forgive thee of thy sins that which is past and that which is to come." (Al-Fath)

The Jews are said to fast on the 10th Muharram due to Prophet Musa's victory over the Pharaoh, therefore our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) asked the Muslims to fast on this day, and a day extra either before or after, to differentiate the Muslims from the Jews.  

precious pearls of memories

happy birthday to my dearest "thaqif in the middle", born at 1.01pm on a drizzling afternoon on december 6, 1999 - for every recollection i have of u, i have a thousand others: a little curly haired boy splashing in the pool, crying at the sight of an A&W bear at abang's birthday, grinning your toothy grin, refusing to have me leave u on the first day of kindy, a kiss goodnite, a crayoned Mother's Day card... these moments i would string together and wear them like precious pearls every day of my life ♥ ♥ ♥

thoriq turns fifteen

happy birthday to my dearest thoriq, my first born child,
welcomed into this world fifteen years ago on a sunday morning at 9.25am on november 3, 1996.
the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for a child.
truly, there are really places in the heart i don't even know exist
until you came along and made my life whole...

just You

why can't i just love You
why shouldn't You be just enough for me
to live for
to die for
to sell my soul for
to give my heart to
to no longer grief for anyone
and to just be satisfied
and content
and happy
and glad
and gleeful
for just You?
shouldn't it just be You
that is in this heart
this soul
this self?
i should not be needing anyone else
but You.
can you please tell this heart
that it is just You.

i now know

life has shown me
that the world is not a place
but the vastness of a soul.
and my soul is nothing more than love
limitless, endless
that move me
toward believing what is true.
i once thought
that love was supposed to be nothing
but bliss...
i now know
it is also
sadness
and
grief.

from Rumi

You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You.

Nothing seemed right.

What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine,

or water to the Ocean.

Everything I came up with

was like taking spices to the Orient.

It's no good giving my heart and my soul because

you already have these.

So

I've brought you a mirror.

Look at yourself and

remember me.

- Jalaluddin Rumi -