letting go

my thaqif in the middle who has just turned 12 last december 6 received an offer to further his secondary studies at Mara Junior Science College (MRSM) in Baling, Kedah, at least a 5-hour drive from KL. it is a Cambridge programme where he will sit for both the O level examination at the end of form four enabling him to further his studies overseas a year ahead of his peers in normal programme offered in other MRSMs (and public schools) and without sitting for the Malaysian Education Certificate or SPM at the end of form five. then again, the students are encouraged to continue with form five and sit for SPM. i have always wanted my boys to have this opportunity and this cambridge programme is a new programme offered in only four MRSMs out of just over 40 MRSMs all over Malaysia, i believe. and for thaqif to be selected after sitting for an interview and examination last december is to be thankful for. of course there is a tinge of pride that he has been selected but then again, he could not have done it without the blessings of Allah. and i was totally leaving it to Him when it comes to thaqif's future.

anyhow, thaqif is slated to register on january 25 and despite being excited over him getting the offer, i found myself crying for a few days after having pretty much decided that he should not let this opportunity pass. i initially thought that if he actually succeeded but is placed in an MRSM as far as Baling, i would not let him go. but now that he has gotten in and ironically enough to the last place i had hoped for, i could not just say no. it would be great for his future i am sure. but... i am having a hard time letting go.

as i write this, i am crying, fearing how i would feel when i leave him behind. i hope he will be ok too because if he isn't, it would be even harder for me to get through my days. i know in time, he will settle down and perhaps enjoy his boarding school life to the fullest. and i would probably get used to it but not fully enough that not one day will pass that i shall not miss him. my little boy is growing up and is leaving the nest before i am prepared to let go. maybe i will never be prepared enough no matter how old he is. but this, this is too early. and i am having such a difficult time.

this reminds me of my conversation with a pediatrician about the bond between mothers and their kids. "the doctor might have cut off the umbilical cord when we give birth, but in reality, the invisible umbilical cord between a mother and her child grows longer each day, that there could never be the right day to let go."

i shall miss u my baby, every second of my every day...