a full plate

january passed me by so quickly, i don't even know where the days went. i was so busy preparing thaqif for his boarding school and getting my progress presentation done, not to mention having my paper done for defense submission, i had no time for other stuff. bak was also not in good health, and i was trying to juggle everything, going back and forth to see him and mak as much as i could. even my cancelled plans to visit adam didn't get me down as it would in the past. not because i love him less or miss him any lesser, but there have been too many things going on on my end, i sometimes feel i cannot breathe.

thoriq is past his PMR disappointment and i am hoping is keeping his spirit going on working hard for his SPM eventhough it is a over a year away. keep telling him he needs to have his form four work in his hands so that he does not need to struggle with both his form four and five lessons next year. i have accepted the fact that it is not his "rezeki" to go to a boarding school. i am sure there are a lot of good in it, and perharps even lessons to learn from this. i just hope he works hard and have a bright future ahead of him apart from being a good son and muslim. ruiz is in the first class in standard four and the only class doing maths and science in english. don't even get me started there, all the stupid educational policies and changes the ministry is making, and how it is affecting students, teachers and parents. well i can talk about it in a different post if i am up to it that is. his good friends are mostly in the same class and since he is so playful, i find the need to remind him that it is going to be a competitive year for him. as for thaqif... sigh. he is having a hard time in MRSM. he keeps saying he misses home and mummy, and the boarding school is not his place. he is finding a hard time adjusting, and it is stressing me out. i am hoping he settles down real soon and i pray to Allah to take away the sadness from his heart so that he can concentrate on his studies and be happy there. i am beginning to wonder too if i have done the right thing sending a 12 year old boy who is quiet and reserved so far away from his familiar ground. yesterday evening, i sent him the surah al-insyirah - "verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief. verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief."  i do hope as he repeats it, it gives him the relief he needs. oh Allah, please lighten thaqif's heavy heart, take away the burden off his soul, remove the sadness from him and smoothen his journey for him, for You are the Almighty, the Most Merciful. my tears fel l like rain when i left him and i still find myself crying these days whenever he calls and speak to me with that sadness in his voice. Oh dear Allah, give both him and me strength to get through this.

Bak is better these days, Alhamdulillah. A lot better than the past few weeks. He is walking on his own again and has gone downstairs for his lunch and dinner now. His improved condition is a big help to Mak as she herself has been suffering from swollen ankles, painful knee joints, aching back ever since Bak got sick. i do have to go see them soon as my last visit was on saturday when thaqif was home for a long weekend break, well, not that long, just two full days at home - picked him up on thursday and sent him back via penang on sunday. it was tiring but it was well worth it to have him home. just not sure if it did more harm than good as he is not adjusting all that well.

plans with adam has to be postponed and postponed and shelved. at the rate we are going and how things are going for him at this point, we just don't even know when we will ever be able to settle down. too many hurdles to cross, too many challenges to overcome. my plate is so full, i sometimes feel it might spill over soon. but at times, despite feeling so, i am amazed at how much calmer i am at facing this separation from adam and all the cancelled and postponed plans. maybe there are a lot of "hikmah" in it, i just don't see them now. well actually one of them is bak getting sick and thankfully i am here instead of there. there are probably a lot more. i leave everything to Allah for now for He knows best and from this shall i gather all my strength. insyaAllah.