finding my way to Him

" come and come again

come and come again

ours is a dergah of mercy

even if you have broken a thousand repentance

come and come again."

of late, i have been doing a lot of reflection and soul searching. i have been struggling to become a better muslim, falling off and getting back on, determined to stay on course in my spiritual journey.  for some time, i have listened to sallie, my sister in law (or ex sis in law to be more precise as she was married to one of my brothers, and we have remained close until today) who is a follower of nashqbandi sufi, speak about sufism.  and in my journey of faith, i have been looking up on sufism and reading bits and pieces here and there.  being one that is into poems, i fell in love with the sufi poems that i came across.  they have become a pulling factor for me towards sufism.  through the poems, i see God and my journey to become closer to Him in a different light. they have made me want to learn more, to be a better muslim, to find a place with God. sallie has mentioned a number of times over the year about taking me to the centre in KL but it had never materialised until last week.  i was not expecting anything. i called sallie to enquire about a certain shaykh in NY whom she has been talking about so that i can arrange to see him or someone while i am there to enquire about niqah arrangement in the future. i could not even remember this person's name and i was determined to get all the information before she left for qatar and my own trip to NY.  as fated by Allah, sallie was excited to hear from me and told me that the shaykh she was talking about was in KL and that i should follow her on sunday afternoon for a gathering where he will be. i felt a little rush in me, excited at the prospect of going for the gathering, of learning and perhaps of finding my way to Allah.  unfortunately when sunday came, sallie told me at the last minute that she was leaving earlier and i could not make it as my sister was coming over to pick up my nephew who had been staying over, and it did not feel good not to be at home for her. i accepted that i was not going to see the shaykh, much less attend the gathering after all.  but came 4pm, i got a call from sallie saying there would be another gathering that evening and i could follow her if i wanted.  call it fate or destiny, or just Allah opening up the way for me but it was by chance that i happened to call sallie at a time that shaykh hisyam kabbani was in KL on his trip to Malaysia.   and so there i was last sunday evening, attending my first suhbah and having the honour of meeting, initiated and blessed by syakh hisham who is the murid of the last grand shaykh nazim al-haqqani, and the one who established the foundation of the nasqshbandi-haqqani sufi order of america.  during the gathering, they made a video call with mawlana syakh nazim and i heard the mawlana speak, and eventhough i could not understand anything he was saying as i believe he was speaking in turkish (if i am not wrong that is), his voice was soothing and calming.  a group of men in black turban (i will speak about that in a later post) played drum instruments and sang praises to God and the prophet (pbuh) and it was all a new but exciting experience for me.  i met many others, many locals, and some foreigners, converts of various nationalities and race, all insyaAllah in same the pursuit of getting closer to Allah and being a better muslim.

i do not have much time left on this earth, and i realise that death could come for me at anytime.  i do not know where this spiritual journey of mine will take me. i am just learning about sufism, and i have started practising the daily spiritual practises by doing zikir and insyaAllah not falling behind on the wajib/ required daily prayers.  i do not know how i will do, i do not know what lies ahead of me, i do not know where this will take me. all i know is that i feel good to have found this and to complete the daily spiritual practises makes me feel that i am moving a step forward to being closer to Allah. i realise i am still very far from Him and i may stumble as i go along. i just hope that He guides me and ease the path for me as i learn, discover and find my way to Him.