post New York ramblings

i am home from new york
i sometimes wish i am back in brooklyn looking at the snow falling, staring in wonderment at the snow caught and perched up on the branches of the trees all around - such a beautiful and breathtaking sight
i kind of miss listening to the muffling sound of the snow as i step on them whenever i go for my walk
i actually miss the cold and having my butt freeze to death...
but
i am happy to see my boys because ohh...i get to cuddle and kiss them again, and have their warm hugs in return
my boys... they keep me sane.  they keep me alive

i miss adam
i miss seeing him smile at me, how the corner of his mouth turns slightly upwards when he is about to tease me
i miss hearing him laugh, the resounding laughter of his that never fails to fill and lights up the room
the mischevious twinkle in his eyes
the way he says my name...

i miss that feeling of completeness...
the contentment when he is close to me

sometimes i get these pangs of missing adam so much, it hurts
the pain, it comes like a stab... a sharp pain in the chest
sometimes it stays... lurking around, creating a heaviness in my heart
it is not easy to shake off the heaviness most of the time, a challenge to even get over it...
when i miss adam, i feel this indescribable emptiness in me, mostly when i wake up and before i go to sleep at night
do you ever feel that?
feel the pain?
the heaviness?
the emptiness?

i tell myself i need and will get through this challenging moments so that adam, and i and my boys will have a better life when we finally move over to join him
i tell myself it is better for now, for me to be staying close to my parents especially when my father wheezes so much, and with both of them getting older
i tell myself to be strong
i tell myself to stop crying when the tears start falling
i tell myself that it will be ok, that i will be ok, but at times i wonder if i will be
i tell myself a while more, just a little while more
i find it such a struggle to cope sometimes...

i am considering leaving my job
work on project basis perhaps or being in the office a few days in a week
i need to go back to school to do my masters
and insyaAllah secure a good job, lecturing in the US when i move over
i do not know of any other way right now - i just need time to study and still have time for my boys
i need to complete this as soon as possible so that we can join adam not too long after he is done with his clinical rotation
this i hope would pave a way towards a better life for us
i am unsure how i will do this but it is something that needs to be done and i must see myself through
i have hopes that somehow things will fall into place once i start
i pray that Allah will ease my way...

do you think my brains will still work well when it comes to studying?
i just hope my brain cells are not dying yet...

oh, i am hitting the gym again...
and yes, still mulling over how i am going to be able to make it for dhikr every thursday night since big boy and middle boy have tuition and don't finish until after 10pm

by the way, that maid of mine?
she is driving me insane...