turning point

i had this sudden and strong need to blog as i was doing my asar prayer. needed to just express and release my thoughts and feelings that have been playing in my head and on my mind the whole day. 
i have reached the turning point in my life i suppose. i am about to pretty much give up running my public relations business full-time to take on the task of studying for my masters and that is no easy thing to deal with. the business or agency will turn eight years come this august and there are so many good and bad memories attached to it. vanessa and i worked hard for it, went through good and bad times, laughed and cried, went through trying times time and time again...  but we have also had really good times that can never be replaced.  ask me if i would do it again and to be honest i would say i don't know.         
however, despite it all, despite the troubles, the difficult and horrid clients, the employees that came and went, the associates who after a while turned their backs on us, the clients who love to repeat "long term business" to us when asking for a big discount or cut in professional fees, and then dissapeared...for all that we have gone through, i guess i would have gone through it all over again, maybe with a little twist here and there of course, so that i can make things better. that impossible scenario aside, i would do it all over again because in spite of all the troubles and problems, we learnt a lot of things, we learnt who our friends are, we learnt to be steadfast in our principles eventhough we realised that would never make us rich, and for many parts of it, inspite of all the problems related to it, inspite of sometimes going one or two months without taking a cent of salary, we have never traded our conscience in exchange of money.  we have also had many happy moments, times we laughed until we pleaded with the other to stop, days when the whole day was just happy and wildly wonderful.... there were many days like that inspite of just having to face the most horrible client. most of all, it tested the friendship that vanessa and i have shared for many years. and i would like to believe that we both got through with flying colours - passion and deepest thoughts shared, fears and sorrows whispered and embraced with renewed strength, laughters that trail and cling to us as hours pass, same exact words spoken at the same time, or sometimes one in english and another in malay but bringing the same meaning, sentences started by one and completed by the other...how can i ever ask to change that?
now that the time to move on towards a different direction has approached, slowly but surely, i can't seems to get rid of that sadness that lurks in my heart. it gnaws at me slowly, resulting in this surreal feeling as i looked for another job for josephine. and thank God i managed to get her a job which she, after the interview attended on saturday, seemed to like and is hopeful about. she will be leaving us with friday being the last day and starting out at her new place on monday. i am thankful that we didnt have to leave her in the lurch once vanessa and i have decided on continuing on with our business based on project basis. i am totally glad she has a new place to go. to be able to find her a decent and probably even better job than the one currently lifts a little of the burden off my heart and shoulders.
it will be vanessa and i again... the way we started - just the two of us. and even this time, it will be a lot different in the sense that my priority has diverted a different way and we will not be together in one place, she being at home and me being... i don't know, home, library, here and there where i can study and carry out my research work.  and eventually will we go separate ways?
how can i be so sure and yet so unsure? i am left to face all the changes that i have to deal with but there will be that indesribeable kind of sorrow that lingers on when i move forward to embrace the changes in my life.  this is no longer about making a better life for me when i move over to the US. this is about me and the life i make for myself and my boys regardless where we end up, who we end up with and even if we end up just the way we are and have been - me and my three boys here in KL. who can tell the future? and why worry about it now when i have to deal with today?  ah... if only it is as easy as that. if only i listen to my own advice and put all my worries and restlessness to rest...