how time flies

oh my goodness. i did not realise i have left this long. i supposed that is how busy i must have been.  i know i had wanted to write many times, finding my thoughts drifting to places, subjects and things i wanted to pen down. but i supposed there were always more urgent things that needed to be done first, relegating this to second and then to none. oh well, time passed so quickly and it is december first today. still cannot believe that it is already the last month of the year and 2013 is already knocking on the door. another year gone by... boys are growing. ruiz will be 11 in two months time, already at the edge of teenage years, i wish he would stay the same, the chubby youngest baby of mine, always there for me, the one who holds my hands when he sees me crying, the one who always seems to understand me better than the rest, the one who lets me hug him and roll around with him until he gets tired of it and shout in laughter to be released. soon, he will grow to be a young man and eventhough the love is there, and insyaAllah growing, it would never again be the same. there won't be those lying in bed together, looking at the ceiling, telling jokes and laughing, the occasional bear hugs shared by a child and his mom, the stolen kisses on his chubby cheeks and his shouts and screams because he has had enough of being kissed by mommy. anyhow, i shall not dwell in that for now. it only makes me sad.  now it is all good, and he is still my little baby, and i can still kiss him and hug him and make him yelp and yell for mommy to let him go. thaqif unbelievably will turn 13 a few days from now, and amazingly completed his first year away from me, in the boarding school in Baling, Kedah. he survived it and i survived it eventhough i must say, the thought of him going back there when the school holidays are over is not something i look forward to. i still sometimes wish i can bring him home, back to a school here, have him with me all the time, for as long as i still can. then again, why even bother going there? i cannot be selfish now, can i? and thoriq, growing so fast, already a young man, having turned 16 last month. with a mind of his own, always rebelling in a quiet way (well, not all the time) but always coming back to me, alhamdulillah. typical teenage stuff, lots of "u don't understand, mommy". makes one go crazy sometimes. then again, i was once like that too wasn't i?

how time flies...

finding Allah this Ramadan

Do you usually enter Ramadan with high aspirations and promises to yourself that in time you find you cannot keep? Well, I do and half of time, I fail to do what I set out to do, failed to complete the Quran last Ramadan, failed to wake up in the middle of every night for tahajjud (late night prayers), failed to increase my ibadaat to Allah, failed in not wasting my time in unproductive chats and behaviour. This year, I am reminding myself to be more realistic. I no longer go to the office, so chances of getting myself slipped into unproductive chats and doing unproductive things might lessen considerably, but I do now spend more time on social network due to my research work. So I am telling myself to lessen my postings of news and articles that may drag me into labelling, judging and even gossiping about others. I tell myself to listen to the readings of various surahs of the Quran when I am online, and also when I am stuck in that time of the month when I am unable to fast and solat, so that I can insyaAllah feed and purify my soul. I tell myself to make du'a for others and to not wallow in what others may say about me, in the negatives that is. I tell myself to push the thoughts of "gossiping' about others eventhough I am actually just having the gossip between me and my mind. I am yet to know if I may succeed, and only time will tell. InsyaAllah everything is how it should be at this point, and could be better. Then again, it is only the first week of Ramadan and currently the second day of the second week, so there is still sometime to go. I hope that even if I slip after this, I will not lose hope, get up, and keep on going as best as I could.

There is after all so much to derive from this month. Ramadan is a month of mercy and we are told that this is the month when the gate of heavens are opened and the gates of hells are closed and losing one's opportunity in making as much ibadaah and duas would be such a big loss, one that we cannot even begin to imagine. And I know I have lost too many, and fully aware that I may not have as many opportunities in the future. With each day and year and each minute, the chance of redeeming myself, of increasing my ibadaah and catching this best time in the year is lessening. Therefore I am striving ahead, and as my sister reminded me last night at my parents' house after iftar, I should be charging ahead in the last ten days of Ramadan rather than slowing down because that is where the treasure lies, in that very last ten days. So someone, please remind me to prepare for Eid, and bake my cookies way before that last ten days, eventhough there is always a big chance of my cookies making a disappearing act by the time it is Eid if I start baking early ;P

Anyway let me share with you this reminder that struck me at my very core. This is a quote taken from sister Yasmin Mogahed's page,

"Don't let this Ramadan be just a holiday of rituals. Don't finish reading the Quran without it transforming you. Don't feed your body at suhoor, but starve your heart of Qiyam. Don't reduce this downpour of mercy to just a month of sweets and lavish iftars. Seek Him, you will find. Take a sincere step towards change, transformation, redemption. If you do, you will find Him infront of you. Find Him this month. He's been there all along. Closer than your jugular vein. Look and you'll find. Walk and you'll arrive."


Let's all find Him this Ramadan, insyaAllah.

from Rumi IV

Whenever you are alone, remind yourself that Allah has sent everybody else away so that there is only you and Him.

- Jalaluddin Rumi -

Welcoming the holy month of Ramadan

In welcoming the holy month of Ramadan (eventhough I am 6 days late putting it out here):

Peace be upon you, 

O, month of fasting

Month of night vigil

Month of Qur'an

Month of forgiveness

Month of security

Month of glowing lanterns

Month of sleepless eyes

Month of scented pulpits

Month of burning hearts

We welcome you O blessed month, month of opportunity, redemption and hope.

May you be the means for our lives to change, our faith to be rekindled and our hearts illumined in His nearness.

Ameen.

Excerpt from an article, 

"A Fresh Page, A Defining Moment: Ramadan This Year" by Shazia Ahmad

Listen...and stop being sad

But listen to me;
for one moment, quit being sad

hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you.

Days full of wanting,

let them go

by without worrying that they do.

- Jalaluddin Rumi

perhaps, we are meant to be?

I tried to let go, but fate brought you back.

when sorrow is a blessing

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, "It tastes sweet, does it not?" 
"You've caught me," grief answered, "and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it's a blessing?"

- Jalaluddin Rumi -