life is like a box of chocolates

"mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get!" - forrest gump

image via whizbiz

it is true isn't it? that life is so like a box of chocolate. you never know what you are going to get, you never know who you are going to meet, what you are going to face, where you are going to go. you can plan your life all you want. but it doesn't mean that things will turn out the way you planned.

1.  children
i have always wanted children, no doubt about that. when i was younger, i always thought i wanted five - a boy, a girl, a boy, a boy and a girl. yes, in that sequence. i somehow thought that would be perfect. now here i am with three boys and i do not think i would want anymore. and i am not into that "i must have a girl. so let's try again" mode.  if i ever change my mind, it is because of adam.  he has never been married, does not have any kids and would love one. we have talked about things, i have sometimes said yes and sometimes said no because of my age and adam has quietly been insisting we should try for a baby once we settle down, just one he said. and everytime i tell him i would be too old by then, he turns around and say in a resigned tone, "looks like i am destined by God not to have any kids".  but he loves the boys, so that pretty much makes up for things eventhough it is never going to be the same for him. oh oh now i am feeling bad about it... anyway, that's what happens when you marry an older woman who is over the normal child bearing age.  too many risks for the mommy and the baby, plus gosh after almost 9 years of not having to wake up in the middle of the night, i don't know if i can do that again...

2. relationships and marriage
i started late.  i didn't have a serious relationship until i was 19 and when i was already in college.  when i was younger, there were one or two crushes. never on a boy in school.   the biggest crush i had was on this boy who lived close to my parents' house and he was a lot older. looking back, it was such a silly thing.  i barely knew him but i thought i was head over heels in crush with him.  a few boys in school asked me out but i was never interested to a point that a few of them accused me of being a lesbian, blimey me... my first love was in college when i was almost 20 and despite the almost seven years intense off and on head over heels relationship we had, it didn't last due to many problems.  we had plans, future plans to settle down and have a family but plans are just that. they never materialised and i moved on and met the man to be my husband.  no one in this world i believe, who is in his right mind would step into a marriage thinking he or she would want to divorce a few years down the road.  a marriage is supposed to be a lifetime, forever... when you find your right someone and take that big plunge, it is because you want to grow old with that person, not getting out of your vows a number of years down the road.  i would never have thought that i would one day divorce. never have thought that i would get into that "divorcee" category, or in malay "janda" which ewww sounds traumatic, and that word alone can attract a lot of malice, unfortunately.  but after almost 12 years of marriage, i found myself dumped into that category, into that group, coupled with the "single mom" term, struggling with society's view, opinion, gossips and whispers of you, and by society, i mean friends, family, business contacts, just anyone who happens to know you and know you were married.  did i even have a whiff of idea back when i was single and free that this would someday happen to me?  that in my late 30s i would feel like i was losing everything including a grip on life?  the answer is NOT AT ALL... no idea whatsoever. tell me this 10 or 15 years ago and i would probably tell you to go fly kites.

3.  my three lovely boys
i thought i would have children. i wanted them. when thoriq came into the world, i hoped my next would be different, a girl please God. the second one indeed turned out to be different but not in sex.  third one followed and i was oh so hoping it was going to be a girl but even before the doctor confirmed it, i knew it's a boy and voila, i was right.  no regrets, no tears at finding out they are boys, no cursing or lamenting. it is pretty normal to want a girl after a boy, what more after two boys, but i am glad that i was always alright, always happy about the sex of my baby regardless. i know of some moms who cried endlessly when told of the sex of the baby and it was against their hopes and expectations.  Alhamdulillah, i never went through that.  of course i had hoped and wished for a girl and looked longingly at girls' clothes but i always tell myself that God has a reason for not giving me a girl.  i think He knows that i will spend too much on her clothes and accessories, and that a girl growing up would give me more headache and stress than a growing boy.  i suppose i would miss out on having a daughter and despite well meaning friends and family saying "oh but u will have them in your daughters-in-law" i do not think it will be the same.  though it is my hope that when i have one or two or three of them, we will have a good and loving relationship, and if we cannot stand each other, God forbids, at least have a decent and civilised relationship. 

4.  adam and New York
who would think i would meet adam?  especially when i am divorced, in my late 30s with three boys.  i thought i would never find love again.  but always the romantic me, i held out hopes of falling in love again, though to be honest not that much of a hope, given my age and situation and the shortage of decent single men in the market. met a few local men and boys, but never to my expectation.  never one who seems to put my boys ahead of all the rest of the wants and needs.  never until i met adam unexpectedly.  who would think i would meet a man thousands of miles away from where i live?  i never imagined i would have to travel all the way to New York to fall in love.  never wanted the distance again. all my three serious relationships in my life have always been long distance and this turns out to be the farthest.  the first one was either in sarawak, or brunei or singapore. the ex was in malaysia but in other states until he moved to jakarta.  and this one... all the way in New York?  who would ever thought of that? certainly never me...

so forrest gump's mama... you are right.  hand me over a box of chocolates right now, and i still won't know what i would get...let me see, this is...macadamia... almond...more almond...hazelnut... yup, got it, my favourite...raisins, yummy... 

morale of the story is - take what you get, find the yummy in it and perhaps soon enough, you will find the yummiest bit of all, in between the good ones and the bad... one thing's for sure though... you never know what you're gonna get.

image via cinemaniax

one last thought - if you know what you are going to get, life would be too predictable and boring then dont you think? the argument goes on...ok i am off.