roller coaster

i have never cried on my way to New York, be it on work or or to see adam in recent years...i will miss the boys and think of them on my flight but i never cried. i cry when i am leaving New York for home because i don't know when i will be seeing adam again and that creates such pain and heaviness in my heart. each time, throughout the flight, the pain would threaten to turn me into an emotional mess, and my throat would hurt from all that choking of tears, trying hard not to break apart...
but as i have said, i never cry when i leave KL knowing well i am coming home to the boys. i will feel sad about leaving them but i know that i am coming back to them soon enough.
this time, things are different. this time, on my flight from KL to Doha, i was holding back tears, and in the end gave in to the pain in my heart, somehow feeling so sad over leaving the boys. perhaps because earlier before i left, as i was tucking thaqif into bed, he cried... he said "i don't want you to go mommy" and it almost immediately brought tears to my eyes. i averted his eyes because i didn't want him to see me cry and make matters worse. but i didn't even have to do that because he had his face under the quilt and he was sobbing.  and that broke my heart.  i don't know why this time, he took it hard.  maybe because i have not left him for quite a while.  the last time i traveled to see adam was in 2009 and he didn't cry then. he missed me yes but he didn't cry before i left. i was always more worried about ruiz missing me and breaking into tears every night when he starts feeling that way but never thaqif because he had always been pretty strong whenever i am away.  and there i was on that flight with tears silently rolling down my cheeks.  even when i was having my meal, tears welled in my eyes and i had to turn my face the other way so that the passenger next to me won't notice.

a lovely pic of
my beloved bak and mak
with big brother and sister;
pic taken over 50 years ago

i silently cried again later when i thought of bak.  i don't know why but that long lonely flight made me think a lot and one of them was of him.  i thought about how fragile he is nowadays and how precious the time i have left with him now.  i remember hugging him on sunday evening when i saw him last before leaving for New York. i remember his weakened arms over me and felt the thin whiskers on his face as i kissed him.  when did my father become so old? when did his body get so fragile that he is stooping when he stands these days. i remember his shaking right hand, a result from his last stroke which is getting worse as he gets older and i could not hold back my tears.
i don't know if the passenger next to me noticed but i was trying so hard to hold back my tears.  perhaps the reason why it has been so difficult and challenging for me to join adam for good in the US could be because it is better for me right now to stay where i am given bak's age and health situation.  maybe also because i will not be able to live without my boys even when i think i could for at least a year.  Allah knows better and maybe those are the reasons why there have been so many challenges in my moving plans. whether what i think or believe are right or not, i leave it to Him. whatever it is, the flight from KL to Doha made me think and rethink my plans. as much as it hurt to be away from adam right now, maybe this is the best thing - for me to stay where i am in KL, to be close to bak and mak, to be where my boys are, and to have to commute thousand of miles to see the man i love.
i do not know how long i can bear this emotional roller coaster. i see adam and i miss my boys and i worry about my aging parents. i am with my boys and my parents, and i miss adam so bad. i do not know how much of it i can take, but if this is the path that Allah has chosen for me, there has to be the good in it. and believing that, i take each day as it comes, i try hard to be emotionally and mentally strong, and i pray to Allah to ease my way...