cry just a little for me

if i had just one tear running down your cheek
maybe i could cope
maybe i'd get some sleep
if i had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery would be well spent
could you cry a little
lie just a little
pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me...

second chance

spend all your time waiting for that second chance
for the break that will make it ok
there's always some reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
they may be empty and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight...

to die for chilli cheese fries

ahhhhh... to die for...
i found this recipe and yummy looking pics by todd porter and diane cu, the white on rice couple (worc) this morning and it is a must try soon for me.  thoriq would love this dish... though i do not think it is a healthy dish to have all the time. the ironic thing is, the yummy-licious foods are always the ones that are also bad for the health - heart and cholestrol alike. no wonder you say, the food is to die for. anyhow, i am sure there is no harm in eating them once a while. everything has to be in moderation. especially food like this. i am posting the recipe and pics by the worc here as it is so much easier for me to access when i am in the mood to try the recipe out, instead of having to sort out through their busy blog...

cowboy bacon chilli cheese fries
image via worc, todd porter & diane cu


Spicy Bacon Cowboy Chili Recipe by Todd Porter and Diane Cu
"Two main factors influence the taste in the chili recipe: the BBQ sauce and the choice of chilies. We’ll usually use our homemade BBQ sauce, but use whichever you’re favorite it. For the spice factor, habaneros have a great spicy and flavor. There is a fruity roundness to compliment their Scoville factor which makes them one of our favorites to use, especially the Chocolate, Congo, or Red Sevilla Habaneros. Go with something more mild, like a jalapeno or thai chili, or even leave out the chilies all together if that is your preference. Just drop spicy from the name ! If you need a recipe for making fries to make chili fries, we suggest the Les Halles fries. They rock! Makes about 4 cups."


step 1

2 lbs Ground Beef, combination of top round and brisket is our favorite

6 strips (300g) Bacon, diced

1 lrg Sweet Onion, diced

4 cloves Garlic, crushed

1 -2 Habaneros, finely diced
1 c (237ml) BBQ Sauce
2 t (10g) Cayenne Pepper
2 t (10g) Chili Powder
2 t (10g) ground Cumin
2 T (30g) Paprika
2 T (30g) Brown Sugar
1 t (5g) fresh cracked Black Pepper
1/4 c (30g) Masa (corn flour), addition inspired by Pioneer Woman’s Chili Recipe
1 12 oz Beer

1. Heat a large sauce pan (preferably cast iron) over med-high heat. Add ground beef and bacon and cook until it is nearly cooked through and browned, stirring occasionally. Next add onion, garlic and habaneros and cook for another 2-3 minutes or until onions start to soften.

step 2

2. Add BBQ sauce, spices, brown sugar, fresh cracked pepper, masa and beer. Stir to combine, bring to a simmer, then lower heat to keep at a gentle simmer. Cook for 30 min – 1 hour, (flavors will develop more with the longer cooking time but isn’t a requirement) adding more beer or water if necessary to maintain a good “moistness” to the chili.

3. Serve the chili warm. Serving suggestions – Toppings- cheese, sour cream, diced green onions. As a base or alongside – tortilla chips, crusty bread, in a quesadilla, on fries, over a sausage dog or burger, as a pizza sauce, with pasta… The variations are endless!

all images via white on rice couple

seeking solace

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief

Qur'an 94:5-6

don't go far off, not even for a day...

don't go far off, not even for a day,
because... I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

don't leave me, even for an hour, because...
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.

don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
i'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
will you come back? will you leave me here, dying?

- Pablo Neruda -

the passing of my aunt... and the journey in death begins

my aunt, my father's youngest sister passed away just over a week ago, on Friday night, November 12.  she was the youngest in a family of 10, the only one that was still alive apart from my father. this is not taking into account another aunt who is the youngest, except that this aunt is their half sister.  anyhow, mak yam as we call her (her actual name is mariam) was already suffering from many ailments including diabetes, hypertension and the worse of all that made her suffer through her last days was her kidney problem.  she was close to my dad, called him a lot to talk to him whenever she felt that the going was getting too tough to handle. according to one of my brothers, everytime he took my dad to visit arwah mak yam, she would be telling him of how much pain she had to go through and then my dad would hold her, kiss her cheeks and her forehead, and she would be crying in his arms just like a little girl. it saddened me when my brother told me that. it was just the two of them left in the world, and my dad doted on her whenever he could and tried to make her feel better through all the pain she felt. and now, my dad is left alone. the only person left in a sibling of ten, the one who had to go through seeing the death of all his loved ones, the one who had to grief and mourn his sisters and brothers who passed before him, the one who is left to feel the loneliness, and to feel like an orphan who has no one else except for his own family.  it was sad to see my dad. at 83, he is so fragile now. my heartstrings were a mess when he knelt for the last time infront of her lifeless body, bend down and kissed her, on her cheeks and then on her forehead, just the way he did whenever he saw her before her passing, those times when she was that "litte girl" finding comfort in her brother's arms. i looked at him then and my tears fell freely, feeling so sad for him, knowing that no one can imagine the pain he must have felt to see his little sister lying cold infront of him. outside, while the womenfolk took care of the body, bathing her with care to prepare her for prayers and burial, i sat with my dad. he turned to me and said he didnt want to think so much. because if he did, he would cry. then he repeated what he said but halfway through, he broke down and cried, and sobbed. my father, my dearest dearest father, whom i love so much was going through all that pain of seeing the only one of his sibling, his little sister die and i could not do anything to take that pain away but just to console him by hugging him. i felt for him, for his pain and i know, he knew it was better for her to go for it was getting too painful for her to live. i thought about arwah mak yam then, that when i saw her last, she opened her eyes, not fully though, and i had then wondered if she was fully aware of herself and where she was. she then had these jerking movements and i remembered panicking slightly, wondering if she was in pain, and then remembering what i had read and heard about how when the angel of death come for you, and start to pull out your soul slowly from the top of your head, that you will be in pain. that u could be jerking slightly and maybe even continously due to the pain.  i wondered then if that was what was happening to her when everyone else exclaimed how maybe she was better because her heartbeat was getting better and she was breathing on her own, because earlier in the afternoon, she had crashed and they lost her for a few seconds, and the doctor had to resuscitate her and brought her back and hooked her to the machine to keep her breathing. so that evening when she opened her eyes and started moving while i was there, everyone was feeling a little relief and commenting on how she must be better. when i in a corner watching her, wondered if she was already so very close to death. or maybe others had wondered too, maybe they too just didnt say it out loud, or maybe it was to console themselves...
i was in a way relief to hear later that night, that mak yam had passed on, because i didnt want her to suffer and the fact that she was taken pretty quickly hopefully could only mean that she was one of those good souls. i pray that she is blessed by Allah swt and that her next journey will be an easy one. i thought about that journey and i wondered what happen to all of us in that journey for no one knows anything about it except from the sayings of the prophet saw and of course only Allah swt knows best.

The prophet (saw) said, "Live in this world as though you are a stranger or a traveler (passing through it)." [Muslim]
Death is inevitable. It is the one thing that we can be certain about in life. We are born to die. Every soul shall have a taste of death no matter who they are. This is confirmed for us many times in the Quran: "Every soul shall have a taste of death: and only on the Day of Judgement shall you be paid your full recompense." (Quran 3:185)
"Every soul shall have a taste of death: and We test you by evil and by good, by way of trial. To Us must you return." (21:35)
"Every soul shall have a taste of death: In the end to Us shall you be brought back." (29:57)

when we die, our journey of living ends and our journey of death begins:
No one knows where, how and when he or she will die. "Verily, the knowledge of the hour is with Allah (alone). It is He who sends down rain, and He who knows what is in the wombs, nor does anyone know what it is that he will earn on the morrow. Nor does anyone know in what land he is to die. Verily, with Allah is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things.)" (31:34)

the journey in death will  have to be continued later... now it is time for me to do my isya' as it is past ten.  for now, my prayers for my dearest arwah mak yam. may Allah bless u always and give u contentment and peace, and place you amongst the good souls in the afterlife. Al-Fatihah...

mad about bruschetta

tempting bruschetta
image via healthycheapfood.com

i have been thinking of bruschetta since last evening. not only have i been thinking, but i have also been yearning and craving for it.  i am in love with bruschetta. i can have that alone for dinner without anything else.  been thinking of making some this weekend if i am not away camping with my brother, the boys, the ex, nephew and his girlfriend, and my niece. 

do you know that you can actually make all sorts of bruschetta? that is how versatile it can be, not to mention delicious.  and some can be totally vegetarian and still taste good.  so that is a plus point for those wanting to eat healthily.  you can make bruschetta with just tomatoes; olives and tomatoes; charred carrots with goat cheese and parsley; and my favourites - mixed tomatoes with balsamic vinegar and dill; and also most definitely the unhealthier version - tomatoes and basil with slices of mozzarella at the top, oh yumm...just thinking about it makes me drool.

bruschetta topped with mozzarella
image via tesco.com

and just thinking about it is making me rethink my plans. i might just make bruschetta tomorrow for dinner instead of waiting until the weekend. i already have some fresh basil in the fridge, so all i need to get tomorrow are some tomatoes, a pack of mozzarella cheese and most definitely some baguette or at least ciabatta - perfect kind of breads for bruschetta.

i will most definitely try two ways of doing the bruschetta this time - 1. by having the sliced bread spread with a mix of crushed garlic that has been mixed with olive oil, and 2. by spreading the bread with some butter and grilling it in a pan ( i saw "Julie" doing it this way in "Julie and Julia" when she made some delicious looking bruschetta that were devoured by her husband with total enthusiasm).

as for the topping, i will keep to the simplest but yummiest -  mix the chopped tomatoes well with salt, pepper and chopped basil.  spread this over the bread. in the case of the oven grilled ones, spread the mix over once the slices of bread have been in the oven for 5 minutes at 200 C. finish off with a slice of mozzarella cheese. pop the bread back into the oven until the cheese has melted.  as for the pan grilled bread, just spread the tomato mix on the bread and enjoy... or as Julia would say: Bon apetit!  ok, i am getting out of hand with this Julie and Julia bit, i know...

some quick info on bruschetta: it is a hearty appetizer from central Italy whose origin dates to at least the 15th century. it consists of grilled bread rubbed with garlic and topped with extra-virgin olive oil, salt and pepper. variations may include toppings of spicy red pepper, tomato, vegetables, beans, cured meat, and/or cheese; the most popular recipe outside of Italy involves basil, fresh tomato, garlic and onion or mozzarella. bruschetta is usually served as a snack or appetizer. and in my case, it is served as the main course...  

have faith in Allah

To God belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth.  Whatever you show what is in your minds or conceal it, God calls you to account for it.  He forgives whom He pleases, and punishes whom He pleases, for God has power over all things.  The Messenger believes in what has been revealed to him from his Lord, as do the men of faith.  Each one of them believes in God, His angels, His books, and His messengers.  "We make no distinction (they say) between one and another of His messengers."  And they say:  "We hear, and we obey: (we seek) Your forgiveness, our Lord, and to You is the end of all journeys." 

image via
VisualizeUs

On no soul does God place a burden greater than it can bear.  It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns.  (Pray:)   "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error.  Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear.  Blot our sins, and grant us forgiveness.  Have mercy on us.  You are our Protector; help us against those who stand against Faith."  - Surah 2-Al-Baqarah

baked ziti to the rescue



baked ziti
 image via faithfulprovision

yesterday, i was totally stressed... i decided then to bake some baked ziti for the boys eventhough it is a working day, as i usually cook for them on weekends.  came home at 6pm and after telling the maid to mince the onion and doing my asar prayer, quickly threw the apron over and got on with the cooking.  browned the minced meat and while doing so, boiled water for my pasta. had some leftover boiled penne in the freezer and by then, it had thawed nicely.  made a mistake when i went shopping over the weekend and instead of penne, got myself a packet of rigatoni instead but it worked the same when mixed rogether.  by 6.35pm, the tomato and meat sauce was done and the frozen penne were already mixed with the three quarter cooked rigatoni in the pot.  drained the pasta, mixed with the sauce and dumped into the baking pan.  found i had only a small portion of sauce left and was doing double thoughts of whether i should make a bit more sauce because i love pouring at least a rich layer of it over the pasta that has been mixed with sauce. and there i was with a not so complete layer of sauce staring at me. since it was already 6.45pm, i decided not to.  the two younger ones have to be off for kumon by 7.45pm the latest, and i didnt have much time to spare.  sprinkled a large amount of mozzarella cheese all over and remembered advice from"the fiance" (it was him who got me into baking this dish), that the cheese has to cover all the area until you no longer see the red of the sauce peeking out at you.  i would usually sprinkle a 125g packet of parmesan but i didnt have that this time. and despite the 500g packet of mozzarella cheese covering the red sauce and pasta, i decided to improvise and seeked out my cheddar cheese.  half cube left and there i was grating it all over, looking behind my shoulder and saw the time was 5 minutes before 7pm.  was pretty proud of myself for being able to pull off having everything done before 7pm. got it into the oven, covered with foil and all.  15 minutes and it was done but the cheese was not browned. the boys and i love it when the cheese gets browned in places. looks really fantabulous and yummylicious.  anyway took off the foil with cheese stringing on it (the foil was passed on to thoriq for "cleaning up" if you get what i mean).  and back into the oven for another 10 minutes and got down to preparing my salad.  at 7.30pm, my baked ziti was nicely on the table and eventhough it was not settled yet (you are supposed to let it cool for it to settle so that it stays put when you cut it), i cut it anyway for thaqif and ruiz.  not much time to spare.  despite the lesser amount of sauce and cheese (to my liking that is), they wanted second helpings and by the time i got them out of the house for kumon, we were running late at 7.50pm. 

my yummy and healthy-licious salad

it could only mean one thing... apart from my baking being well appreciated by my boys, making baked ziti got me away from thinking about my problems and challenges of the day even if it was for that short moment.  i needed that. the stress was threatening to take over my sanity and it was a good break to bake, watch my boys enjoy the food, and be thankful to God for what i have.

anyhow a quick note...  this is a good meal, something you can throw together fast enough when you are in a hurry. you dont need many ingredients, just minced meat, onion, canned tomato sauce (or when in a hurry or lazy, prego sauce would do), pasta and a whole lot of cheese.  combine it with a good mixed salad, sprinkle some feta cheese over, and voila... a great quick meal.

oh... and it takes the stress away.  worth it, even for a short while.

bon apetit! - wild about julie and julia

never have i been more inspired to cook and write about it... not since Julie and Julia...yup, it is a movie i saw yesterday when the boys were out and i had some quiet time to myself.  been meaning to watch that movie for ages, ever since it was showing in the cinemas but missed it, got a dvd from the ex like a month or two back and finally watched it yesterday.  and i totally and utterly enjoyed the movie.

a summary before u lost me - Julie and Julia is based on two true stories and is actually culled from two different books. one tells the story of Julia Child who made a transition from a bored wife of Paul, a diplomat stationed in France, to a student at the famed Le Cordon Blue school (when she wanted to cook french cuisine but could not find any french cook books in english) to a cooking teacher and ultimately cookbook author and star of her own tv show.  the second book is written by Julie Powell, a New Yorker who back in 2002 held a boring cubicle dwelling job with a government agency, and decided soon after moving to Queens with her husband to do something different in her life by cooking all 500 plus recipes in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" over the course of 365 days.  having a history of not completing things, she was encouraged by her very understanding and level-headed husband to blog about it.  and thus the start of julie's daily adventures in the kitchen, which included trying repeatedly to poach eggs (i must try that and see if i can get it right), killing lobsters that sent her running out of her kitchen for safety, having meltdowns and practically crying in the kitchen (i get those kind of meltdowns as well when i am trying something new and it turned out to be such a challenge... but so far i have yet to burst into tears.  just got as far as wanted to throw everything i was doing and give the hell up).  despite all the meltdowns and one big argument with her husband (where he then walked out on her, but came home not long after... have to say that incase it gets a little too depressing there), she found a strength of spirit she didn't know existed until she followed Julia's lead.

oh by the way as i am writing this, a colleague of mine is right now at Borders, The Curve trying to get me the books "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" volume 1 and 2, yippeeeeeee....  it seems they found volume 2 but is now trying to find volume 1.  i cannot buy only one volume, it is a horrid thought to actually purchase something incomplete. you must now think i have a certain obsession or something. i do actually, at this point let's call it "julie and julia" obsession?  or is it "i have to get the MAFC books" obsession?  or "i have to try out Julia Child's souffle recipe" obsession? 

enough of that.  shall we continue on with Julie and Julia?  Julia is played with so much gusto by the ever amazing Meryl Streep who made me laugh with all her antics and her easygoing nature in the kitchen.  Stanley Tucci played her doting husband and i cant help but envy her, she loves to eat and cook, and she too adores her husband very much.  Amy Adams (who shot to fame in "Enchanted") is lovely as Julie, who struggled to find herself in a world where some of her friends are successful and pretty cold hearted, and could not care less about how she was doing.  and Chris Messina played Eric, her husband who was loving and funny, and always so supportive of her. 

i fell in love with the movie not just because of the food but also the charming and strong female characters and their lovable men... they (the characters i mean) give me hope that there is always true love out there.  i have to admit though that watching it inspired me to try all sorts of dishes and never give up even if i fail the first time, or two... or three? erkkkk... ok, stop there. anyway what i wanted to say is watching it definitely made me want to run into the kitchen and cook beef borgougne.  and the fact that Julia Child knew what to do with a flipped over and out of the pan omellette or was that something else... putting it back together again and serving it anyway, with flair and without apology is the best thing of all. 

i just got a text message to inform me that Borders has only the volume 2 and they could not find volume 1.  i have asked for it to be put on hold until they find the first volume. i am determined to get the books soon and i intend to try out the recipes.  let's see what happens next.  in the meantime as Julia would say... and what she always said... Bon appetit!

my two cents worth on House Rules

i have just finished reading the latest novel by jodi picoult - House Rules.  started reading it a few weeks back and have been dying to read it until the end, except didnt have much time to do so until this weekend, and i finally finished it, yeaayyy...

House Rules is a lovely book. i generally like jodi picoult's way of writing but there are books of hers which i did not find interesting such as "Mercy" - could not take the unfaithful bit of the husband and the undying love she had for him even when he had cheated on her.  Anyway "Mercy" and all other novels aside, House Rules deals with a teenage boy with Asperger's syndrome, Jacob Hunt who is accused of murder. There were other characters such as his mom, Emma; his normal younger brother who had to bear it all, Theo; the young fresh lawyer that later got romantically involved with Emma, named Oliver; the father who walked out on the family when Jacob was three, Henry (though he only came into the scene much later in the book), and the detective, Rich.

i learnt quite a bit about Asperger's syndrome from this novel - like many kids with AS, Jacob is hopeless at reading social cues or expressing himself well to others. he takes everything said literally. like if you say "wait here a minute", he will count up to 60 and then wonder why you are not back yet.  he desperately wants to fit in but simply can't understand  social behaviour that is intuitive to the rest of us.  he won't be able to interpret a nonverbal cue, such as a yawn signifying boredom when he is hogging the conversation.  but someone with Asperger's can have a genius-level IQ and can hold a conversation better with an adult rather than his peers.

i enjoyed the book and would recommend it. however having said that, if this book is meant to be a murder mystery, that would be a bit of a letdown since i actually figured it out even before Jacob was arrested.  the other disappointment is how the book ends after you find out how things really happened, but no indication or elaboration into how this changes things for any of the characters.

regardless, the struggle of the single mom depicted in this book gave me a new kind of respect for mothers having to deal with their special kids.  they must be supermoms to be able to get through their days.  many times the book tugs at my heartstrings being a mom myself and my heart also went out to Jacob for not being able to be in touch with his own emotions and for being an outcast.  the novel is well written and House Rules is definitely worth the read...

my flavour of the month...or has that been a few months already?

been baking a lot of late and this is the flavour of the month, haha to be honest, it has been the flavour of the month since before eid - my chocolate brownies with orange cream cheese frosting, so that means it has reigned as the flavour of the month three or four months in a row already ever since i discovered and actually tried baking it.


it is really chocolatey, because i mix semi sweet chocolate with bitter sweet ones when i bake it, and when it is topped with the cream cheese that has got all the orange zest in it, my my, it is pure heaven...

chocolate brownies
with orange cream cheese frosting

there is a way to eating it as well... you have to cut them into small pieces in order to taste and appreciate it. you cannot eat a big piece at one go because then the chocolate and sweetness would overwhelm you too much that you may not be able to appreciate it fully. following me yet? or getting confused?


friends and family alike thought i was being a bit too stingy when cutting up the brownies but i explained that that is how they need to eat this brownies of mine and after taking a bite of it, they fully understood what i meant. and never has pieces of brownies dissappeared in matters of minutes before this.

choc cheese

i have also been receiving quite a number of orders for my brownies with the topping, apart from my chocolate cheese brownies and my usual walnut brownies. i have been baking the chocolate cheese ones quite a fair bit as this particular one has its own following. the boys don't quite favour this.  they like it but then again, they can do with the other brownies more than this.  most adults i know love this as it has cream cheese swirled in the chocolate and it is pretty sinful i must add.

my walnut brownies remains an all-time favourite as it goes well with vanilla ice-cream, and those who love nuts are all nutty about it for the walnuts it contains. the chopped chocolates that i mix in is what makes it sinful though and it is even more sinful when the chocolate chunks oozes as you bite into it.  must remind self to get a picture of my walnut brownies one of these days.

anyway, for now at least, the heavenly sinful chocolatey brownies of mine, the one with that zesty orange cream cheese frosting remain my flavour of the month. the boys have been nagging me to bake it and not have any frosting on top. i keep telling them it is the combination of the brownies and topping that makes it a brownie to die for but... i also promised them i will bake one really soon and exclude the topping. anything to keep my boys happy... for now i am content on keeping this as my flavour of the month, despite the fact that it has been for a number of months already. until something else come along... and knock it off the top spot.

pure heaven...