dancing in the rain

i received this note from adam sometime last year. this note touched on the sort of love that i would like to have and hope for... one that will see me through my old and twilight days...

image via
naressa's fb wall



It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.  As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'   He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arms and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

but how to dance in the rain...

sing a song of six pence

i might just try baking this today if i am still in a pie baking mode later. and later means after looking for a tailor to tailor ruiz's school pants (can't find one that fits, too tight on the waist and too low on the crotch and too long on the length) as he needs a fitting green pants for school next year. he will be a librarian so the uniform is entirely different from the normal one and i am facing an uphill task of finding a tailor within the vicinity, can you believe that... anyway for those who fancy trying out making a pie, here is a good chocolate pecan pie recipe from david lebovitz:

Chocolate Pecan Pie
One 9-inch (23cm) pie

The crust:
1 1/4 cups (175g) flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons sugar
4 ounces (115g) unsalted butter, chilled, and cut into 1-inch (3cm) cubes
4 tablespoons (60ml) ice water

The chocolate-pecan filling:
3 large eggs
3/4 cup (150g) packed dark brown sugar
2/3 cup (200g) light corn syrup, rice syrup or golden syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons (30g) melted butter, salted or unsalted
2 tablespoons bourbon
1 2/3 cups (190g) toasted pecans, very coarsely chopped
3/4 cup (120g) bittersweet or semisweet chocolate chips


1. To make the crust, mix together the flour, salt, and sugar in a bowl or in a stand mixer
with the paddle attachment. (Or use a food processor.)
2. Add the cubed butter and mix until the butter pieces are broken up and about the size of small peas.
3. Add the ice water and mix just until the dough comes together. Form the dough into a disk, wrap in plastic, and chill for at least 30 minutes.
4. Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface into a 12-inch (30cm) round. Transfer the dough into a 9-inch ( cm) pie plate letting the dough ease into the pan, rather than pressing it in. Tuck the overhanging dough underneath the area above the rim of the pie plate, to create a double width of dough, then crimp the edges and refrigerate until ready to fill.
5. Preheat the oven to 375ºF (190ºC) and position the oven rack to the center of the oven.
6. In a large bowl, which together the eggs, brown sugar, syrup, vanilla, salt, melted butter, and bourbon.
7. Stir in the pecans and the chocolate chips then scrape the filling into the pie shell and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the filling puffs up slightly but still feels slightly jiggly and moist in the center.
Let pie cool completely before slicing.

if i do not have the time later, looks like it will have to wait till tomorrow. or the next day. or perhaps... next week? anyhow good luck to all trying including me. of course trying here first means trying to find the time. that will then only be followed by trying out baking the pie finally... and when it is done... well, we can all break into:
 "sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye. four and twenty black birds baked in a pie. when the pie is open, the birds began to sing. wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?"
still remember that one? *wink wink*

finding my way to Him

" come and come again

come and come again

ours is a dergah of mercy

even if you have broken a thousand repentance

come and come again."

of late, i have been doing a lot of reflection and soul searching. i have been struggling to become a better muslim, falling off and getting back on, determined to stay on course in my spiritual journey.  for some time, i have listened to sallie, my sister in law (or ex sis in law to be more precise as she was married to one of my brothers, and we have remained close until today) who is a follower of nashqbandi sufi, speak about sufism.  and in my journey of faith, i have been looking up on sufism and reading bits and pieces here and there.  being one that is into poems, i fell in love with the sufi poems that i came across.  they have become a pulling factor for me towards sufism.  through the poems, i see God and my journey to become closer to Him in a different light. they have made me want to learn more, to be a better muslim, to find a place with God. sallie has mentioned a number of times over the year about taking me to the centre in KL but it had never materialised until last week.  i was not expecting anything. i called sallie to enquire about a certain shaykh in NY whom she has been talking about so that i can arrange to see him or someone while i am there to enquire about niqah arrangement in the future. i could not even remember this person's name and i was determined to get all the information before she left for qatar and my own trip to NY.  as fated by Allah, sallie was excited to hear from me and told me that the shaykh she was talking about was in KL and that i should follow her on sunday afternoon for a gathering where he will be. i felt a little rush in me, excited at the prospect of going for the gathering, of learning and perhaps of finding my way to Allah.  unfortunately when sunday came, sallie told me at the last minute that she was leaving earlier and i could not make it as my sister was coming over to pick up my nephew who had been staying over, and it did not feel good not to be at home for her. i accepted that i was not going to see the shaykh, much less attend the gathering after all.  but came 4pm, i got a call from sallie saying there would be another gathering that evening and i could follow her if i wanted.  call it fate or destiny, or just Allah opening up the way for me but it was by chance that i happened to call sallie at a time that shaykh hisyam kabbani was in KL on his trip to Malaysia.   and so there i was last sunday evening, attending my first suhbah and having the honour of meeting, initiated and blessed by syakh hisham who is the murid of the last grand shaykh nazim al-haqqani, and the one who established the foundation of the nasqshbandi-haqqani sufi order of america.  during the gathering, they made a video call with mawlana syakh nazim and i heard the mawlana speak, and eventhough i could not understand anything he was saying as i believe he was speaking in turkish (if i am not wrong that is), his voice was soothing and calming.  a group of men in black turban (i will speak about that in a later post) played drum instruments and sang praises to God and the prophet (pbuh) and it was all a new but exciting experience for me.  i met many others, many locals, and some foreigners, converts of various nationalities and race, all insyaAllah in same the pursuit of getting closer to Allah and being a better muslim.

i do not have much time left on this earth, and i realise that death could come for me at anytime.  i do not know where this spiritual journey of mine will take me. i am just learning about sufism, and i have started practising the daily spiritual practises by doing zikir and insyaAllah not falling behind on the wajib/ required daily prayers.  i do not know how i will do, i do not know what lies ahead of me, i do not know where this will take me. all i know is that i feel good to have found this and to complete the daily spiritual practises makes me feel that i am moving a step forward to being closer to Allah. i realise i am still very far from Him and i may stumble as i go along. i just hope that He guides me and ease the path for me as i learn, discover and find my way to Him.

the sun never says

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth

“You owe Me.”

Look what happens

With a love like that...

It lights the whole sky.

- Hafiz, The Gift -          

dear Allah

i wish many times that i could be a better muslim, a better person in the eyes of Allah. i know He never makes it hard for me, so why do i find it so hard to be one? why do i keep trying and slipping off, that at times it makes me so ashame to face Him, to keep asking for forgiveness, knowing i am not worthy of it...

dear Allah

let me hide in You
from everything that distracts me from You,
from everything that comes in my way
when I want to run to You.

– Rabia Al-Adawiyah

happy new year



image via reuters

on this first day of the new year, my wishes for the coming year are best described in these beautiful quotes:
“May Allah steal from you all that steals you away from Him.”
Rabia Al-Adawiyah

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.
Maulana Jelaluddin Rumi

salam maal hijrah everyone, a very happy new year and may we become better muslims as time goes by...

a leap of faith

"do not see the wall; leap over your problems"
i came across that quote in an article and it reminded me of my adam. as i am writing this right now, he is starting his hospital rotation at wyckoff hospital in brooklyn, new york.  his first rotation and ironically it is in OBGYN, the specialisation that he had hoped would be among the last of all his rotations.  regardless, this is a welcome development in his relentless pursuit to become a medical doctor.  after having been a doctor of chiropractic for years, adam turned to medicine due to a back injury and a surgery that has taken its toll on him over the years; a back problem that would someday stand in his way of continuing on as a chiropractor.  and when he decided to go back to school and pursue medicine, little did he know that he was going to face so many stumbling blocks and challenges that not many people could overcome.
the latest challenge of his was his inability to get a study loan to finance what is his final stage of studies before earning an MD and doing his residency.  he has 60 weeks of rotation to do and a whole lot of tuition fee is needed for this part of his studies, and the inability to get a loan due to cuts for study loans in the US has threatened to affect the continuation of this one last stage and our relationship. he managed to get help from his family and has to finance part of the fee himself.  this latest turn in events means that he might have to extend his rotation period from 60 weeks to more, if he needs to take a few months leave in between semesters in order to work and raise money for the next semester. and this would also mean that our initial plans of marriage etc would have to be postponed to a date that we are unable to determine at this point. i was of course heartbroken, by so many things - the challenge he had to face, his insistence on continuing and not returning to chiropractic, the change in our plans to settle down.  for a moment or many moments that is, i could not see any other way. to me, he was running into a wall, and i was losing hope on us, of making it, of having a future together. i was losing hope on him, not on him being a doctor but in being one with me in his life.  probably it was the distance that made me lose hope, the inability to console each other. fights and arguments followed. silence ensued. and that many days of silence made me think that i just have to have faith in adam to make it through, to take things as it comes and to leave our fate to Allah swt and hope for the best. for a few nights, i made istikharah prayer. i taught adam to recite the doa' for three nights in a row and told him to follow what he feel strongly for.  and he decided to continue on and would face and overcome the challenges as he goes along.  at the end of the day, he is going to achieve his dreams and will be a doctor. and all he wanted if i could, he said was to have faith in him and to wait for a little while more...
so now there he is, on his first day of rotation and i am so proud of him. he might not think that i do after all that protests, of wanting him to stop, of no longer wanting any heartbreaks for him and us, but i am really proud of him. we have a whole lot of challenges ahead of us. still many many months and time apart, and lesser contact now that he will be busy at the hospital. i mentioned to my best friend vanessa, and also to my niece fairuza, that this could either strengthen us or break us.  in my heart, i hope for nothing else but that it will strengthen us further. if adam could not see a wall, maybe it is about time i don't see a wall too...

whispers from a mother's heart

my thaqif in the middle, the sweet, gentle-looking middle child of mine turned 11 at approximately 1.01pm yesterday, december 6.  how time flies and how he has grown, though not that much in size, i must say. gentle looking yes, but can be really fierce and very sensitive, i wonder where he got that from. well, errrrk... truth is he inherited that from his mommy, ouch... why can't children just inherit the good part of you and leave all the bad ones behind? anyhow thaqif is a year away from being a teenager, if you consider 12 years old as the first teenage year that is... and i wonder when he grew up. in a few years he would leave the nest and that means leaving me behind, to pursue his own life and dreams and destiny. and as a parent, we have to know when to let go. i don't know if i am ready for that. i look at thoriq and he is so big now. i didnt even realise it until he got taller and bigger than me. he is being a typical teenager, doesn't talk so much, mumbles a whole lot, being extra sensitive, prefers his friends to his brothers... most definitely, and sometimes rather stay home than being out with the family. were we like that before? preferring our own space than being stuck with the family?  ok maybe i am overdramatising that a bit.  anyhow, he still allows me to kiss him goodbye each time he leaves the house. he still hugs me and that's really endearing, and i so treasure that.  as for my youngest baby, ruiz, he will turn 9 end of next january. oh my god, how they all grow... i always tell ruiz that he should stay small so that i can cuddle him forever. and just the other day, he turned to me at the dinner table and said "mommy, i want to stay here for the rest of my life. even when i am big and working, i want to stay here so that i can always be with u, and i can take care of u." i was pretty taken aback with surprise. never expected him to say that, my warm cuddly 8 year old baby who is tall for his age and so chubby in size, i struggle to even pull him up. and there he was saying that he wanted to take care of mommy in all sincerity. well, don't worry, i will not hold that against him though i can. record it and save it and play it over and over to him should he ever want to leave me one day. haha...that is so insane of me. so nope, i will not do that though the thought of it makes me go grinning like a cheshire cat.  and this morning as i was driving just with thaqif, i asked thaqif "can u be a baby again?" and in reply, he asked me "how do we do that?" i looked at him and said "we shall think of a way. maybe we get some machine that will take us back to the past." what wishful thinking. my children will grow up, whether i like it or not, no matter how much i want to hold on to them and will them to stay little, or to wish upon a falling star that they somehow can get small as a pea and crawl back into my tummy so that they will always be with me, carried around any place i go... they will grow up and go through the phase of being a teenager, a man, become a husband and a father insyaAllah... and i have to learn to let go and never hold them back. all i can do as a mother is pray that they grow up to be good human beings with a kind heart and soul, good muslims, good sons, be successful in their lives and never forget their family, strong faith in Allah swt, have happy families of their own and come back to visit mommy every once a while or as often as we both like... isn't that every mother's wish for their children?
and on this day like it was on thoriq's birthday a month ago, i have this to say for my three boys:

my dearest first born child thoriq born at 915am on november 3 is the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for a child.  my first child is my best foot forward and the one i crow about to the world.

my middle child is the babe i hold in my arms for an hour after he has gone to sleep, incase if i put him down in his crib, he might wake up changed and fly away. my "thaqif in the middle" turns 11 yesterday at exactly 1.01pm and since then, he has never ceases to take my breath away.

But the last one: the baby who trails his scent like a flag of surrender through my life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. i could hardly stop rocking him, drinking the light from his skin, breathing his exhaled dreams. my heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on his cheeks. he's the one i can't put down. the one who will soon outgrow me, my baby for now, my ruiz who will soon turn 9 this coming january 31, born at precisely 11.55pm, 5 minutes away from the dawn of a new day.

a mother's body remembers her babies--the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. each child has its own entreaties to body and soul. and i don't dare say i love any of them more than the other. they are all beautiful and special in their own way and i savour that beauty, and the difference and the special ways that they are... i thank Allah for the every day and minutes and seconds i have them, and i shall live and bask in their love for as long as i have them...

happy camper

did i say that i finally got the books "Mastering the Art of French Cooking", the legendary cookbooks that inspired the movie "Julie & Julia"?  well truth is, josephine got them for me more than a week ago. i am now a happy camper, hehe... but i have to say though that the recipes/ contents look pretty overwhelming. i have not had the time to go through the recipes properly yet, what more trying any out. hope to do so soon...and i shall update as i go along...

yeaaaay finally, the famous cookbook vol 1&2
by julia child & simone beck