Just another day

it's a sign. it's a heart, it is love. taken at the airshow
at Jones Beach two weekends ago.

Did I tell you that Thoriq is now in flying school? One step closer to being a pilot, God willing. And it has been almost a year since I moved over here with the two boys. It feels pretty surreal at times that a whole school year is almost over for them. and come June 16, it will be a year since we have moved here. I  am still jobless and pretty much friendless, haha. Well I know people, there are a few who drop by to say hello and even stay for a bit of a chat and clearing up whatever dessert I have left on the table. But they are not friends like the ones I have back home. They are people I say hello to when I meet them on the street or the person who happens to be the wife of the handyman who fixes stuff at the house or the handyman himself. Or friends of the husband's. It sounds pretty pathetic I know, but Adam said it is because I choose to be alone and refuse to socialize. Which I disagree of course. I do not just go out there and socialize. I do when I need to and when I do not, I would rather stay home doing what I enjoy doing - read, bake, pottering around. It does get lonely at teeny tiny times but honestly I am not complaining. My life revolves around the boys and Adam, and I know that that is not good but I am pretty much contented at this point of time. I do not know if it is age. I do not find the need to go out a lot or have friends around me. I much prefer friends back home which does not leave me much of an option of course. Perhaps it is because I do not work and thus, do not get to make friends. My neighbor is pretty aloof. We say hello or nod if we see each other outside. She does not seems to be too interested to have a conversation with me and I have much given up on trying. Why bother trying to make a conversation when the other party obviously is not interested. At times, I do not even know if I am really sorry for myself  or pretending to be, and telling Adam that I must be so pathetic for not having friends at all. I enjoy my time alone at home when the boys are in school and Adam is at work and once the boys are home, I am always busy with making dinner and cleaning and then get too tired for anything else. Plus I would much rather just spend time with Adam once the boys are in bed despite the fact that he would be absorbed in getting his kingdom saved while preparing to attack others (ok it is a game) and I would be watching a TV series on my iPad while folding clothes, or doing some reading or checking my Facebook or WhatsApp-ing or Viber-ing friends or family or Thoriq. Anyway yes that is pretty much how it is for me these days. Cleaning up, laundry and off for my run and/or brisk walk in the morning. Pick up the boys in the afternoon and then cooking and cleaning and checking on boys, folding clothes. And at times I still manage to get another round of brisk walk, reading and baking in between everything else. And I am ok, not complaining and I secretly wish that I do not have to work any longer (although this is no secret anymore now that I have blabbed all here) since home and the boys including the big boy are lots of work enough.

Anyway back to Thoriq, yes, the eldest boy is in a flying academy in Langkawi Island (in the northern part of Malaysia, a beautiful island too I must add). He will be there for the next 18 to 24 months, the duration which very much depends on the weather as they need to have a certain amount of flying hours completed and at times weather can be a factor and bad weather means no flying and no flying means extension. I am really hoping he would study hard for this as he has been so passionate about flying with all his time spent on flight simulator in the past two or three years. Not to mention the fact also that his father and I are putting a huge amount of money to get him through this school.  Flying school is no joke when it comes to the cost. I also hope being away from home and living in a dorm (more like a room with just him and a room mate) will teach him to be independent and he will finally learn to be an adult and be responsible with the choices he makes..

As for Thaqif and Ruiz, they have been pretty much getting through school rather smoothly. Both have been maintaining at least a 3.6 GPA and Ruiz has twice earned a place on the honours roll with Thaqif missing it by a few miserable points which is still a good feat taking into account that they have just moved here from a totally different country with a totally different education system and culture. But Thaqif surprised me when he actually made the cut to be on the track team and has been to a number of meet at other schools with today's being the final one. The track and field team will be having a pizza party in school tomorrow to call the season a day and I believe it has been a good experience for him. We joke that he runs fast because he is skinny. Ruiz shoots up in height. Although both he and Thaqif are getting taller by the day, Ruiz at the age of 12 is tall for his age, slimming down too, although he has not lost all his chubbiness as yet and has again beaten Thaqif in height, maybe by a half inch or so. Graduation for Thaqif is in three weeks and he will be off to High School comes September. Again how time flies. Adam said "ah what is a year?" when I told him this morning that I can't believe that it has already been almost a year since we moved here.

Ramadan is again beckoning us. In less than a month, we head into the holiest month and two weeks after that we will be heading home to KL. I know Adam prefers me to call this home but I now call both KL and NY home. So we, minus Adam unfortunately, will be in KL for the rest of Ramadan and to celebrate Eid, and we will leave for home in NY towards the end of August. Mak is all excited about me making the trip back and told me that I should head straight for their house from the airport. Bak sounded happy enough when I told him but Bak has always been the cool one and so I am not sure if he is even anywhere near excited like Mak. But I am so looking forward to going back and meeting the family and friends. Unfortunately Adam will not be able to make it due to work and I will only have a short time to spend with Thoriq. Regardless I am thankful to Allah for everything and for this chance at going home to see Bak and Mak and everyone else who matters a lot to me.




soon, it will be farewell to Spring

Spring is almost over. Summer is already making itself felt. It is hot, hot, hot today. Ramadan is around the corner. Home in KL is beckoning me. I have much to look forward to insyaa Allah. I shall not waste my time pondering over how it would feel when it comes to leaving KL for NY. I will take each day as it comes, savour each and every one of them, the moments and time to be spent with all my loved ones. There no doubt will be tears when I leave, but there will be so much joy, the tears will be worth it all.

Gotta run now. Beef stew has been in the oven for the past hour and a half with another hour and a half to go. I have rice to cook and Thaqif to pick up from school. Adam will be home very late as he has a business meeting after his clinic ends at 730pm. And I still have clothes to fold and some reading to sneak in. It's past 6pm and another day is almost over for us here while another day is just beginning over there in Malaysia for all the people whom I love. May Allah ease their way, keep them in His protection and bless them with lots and lots of happiness. And most of all, for always, I wish them... a whole lot of love.




 

i die a little, each time we say goodbye

Did not just say goodbye to 2012 but the eve of new year also saw me saying goodbye to my Thaqif in the middle.  Sent him up north to Baling, Kedah for his second year in boarding school.  Left Baling pretty late after registration, helping him to clean up and unpack, ensuring he had pretty much settled down with his things, and after having ourselves a very late lunch or more like tea, since it was already 3-ish by then. Hugged him tight and told him I would see him again soon.  I did not want him to see us go, so I walked him back to the entrance of his block after he had said goodbye to his father and brothers, and I watched him walked away from me. He smiled at me before turning to go, but not before I caught him choking back a tear.  Nevertheless, he was a lot better than when I left him there for his first year.  In fact both of us were. As I walked back to the car, I was pretty much holding back my own tears. None made it down my cheeks this time, but stayed watering in my eyes. I guess I just don't and won't get used to saying goodbye to Thaqif, even with all that so called training I have been getting from saying goodbye to Adam. It always pained me somehow. Ruiz had asked me earlier if I would be crying all the way home just like I did the first time. I told him that perhaps I would not if Thaqif does not cry first. Regardless, I know Ruiz was offering to hold my hand in case I cried like before, and I was comforted by that knowledge that I would have my baby's hand to hold on to if I did cry all the way back to KL.

everytime we say goodbye
i die a little
everytime we say goodbye
i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me
they allow you to go...

flourless chocolate brownies anyone?

I made this the other weekend, a last minute decision when contemplating on making dessert for my brother and his family who were coming down from Setiawan to visit my parents. It was on a Saturday evening, so it was my usual time with the boys to have dinner with their grandparents, and my other brother and his daughter were joining us as well. The more, the merrier and the more reason I wanted to bake something for dessert to be enjoyed by the whole family. Thoriq for the past number of times have been wanting to eat flourless brownies and I never made any, and while contemplating on what to bake, I actually "ran" into the recipe of flourless brownies by that gorgeous kitchen diva, Nigella Lawson. Checked the ingredients required and eventhough there were one or two items that I do not have and need to improvise by replacing them with what I do have, I thought ok this is it. So brownies again, but totally different from my usual walnut and chocolate brownies or that sinful brownies with the orange zest cream cheese topping. This one as the name says is flourless and because of that, comes out really gooey, and you simply have to make the hot chocolate sauce to drizzle over the brownies and vanilla icecream (which you do not need but I must say is a must-have to complete this whole dessert).  Anyhow I baked it, took it to the parent's and it went down well with the kids and adults. There were some leftover and eventhough I would have loved to bring a little back, I needed to ensure that Ruiz sticks as close as possible to this diet I am putting him on (cut him off sodas and any sugary drinks, and make him have water 99 percent of the time, and cutting out all the sweets which means I have to bake less or I can bake but please donate or give away three quarter of what I baked, have brown rice at home which I have already introduced and makes up half of the rice cooked nowadays, and I am considering just buying only brown rice when I finally run out of the white rice I have currently, cutting his portions to half, and having more sandwiches, omit the white bread of course). The reason he has to be put on a diet is because he weighs more than mommy does and although he is cute and round and chubby and you just want to hug him and wish you can pinch him and roll around with him all day long (which he hates), I don't want his weight to get out of control which will be a lot worse for him if I start later. I just started him on this diet like for the past week and a half and we will see how it goes.

Anyway coming back to the brownies, due to that diet for Ruiz (which helps me control my chocolate and sweets intake as well), I did not bring any leftovers home. Mak told me last night when I saw her that the leftovers were gone rather quickly the next morning, so I am glad everyone enjoyed it. Therefore, I would love to share the recipe with you brownie lovers out there. Make sure you make the hot chocolate sauce, plonk a good scoop of vanilla icecream over the brownies, drizzle the hot chocolate over but do not overdo it, and have a great time. And since I did not have the chance to take pictures of it, I am sharing Nigella's picture of the brownies (which are professionally taken by the way as compared to any of mine). So enjoy and have a chocolatey brownie Sunday everyone.

flourless chocolate brownie
pic via nigella.com

Brownie:
225g dark chocolate
225g butter
2 tsp vanilla extract
200g caster sugar
3 eggs, beaten
150g ground almonds
100g chopped walnuts

Chocolate sauce:
75g dark chocolate
125ml double cream
2 x 15ml tbsp Camp coffee or 2tsp of instant espresso powder 
dissolved in 2tbsp water (I replaced this with 2tbsp or slightly less of nescafe)
1 x 15ml tbsp golden syrup

Method:
for the Brownie:
1. pre-heat oven to 170C
2. Melt the chocolate and butter gently over low heat in a heavy based saucepan
3. Take the pan off the heat, mix in vanilla and sugar, and let it cool a little
4. Beat the eggs into the pan along with the ground almonds and chopped walnuts

Turn into a 24cm square tin or use a foil one. Bake in the oven for 25 to 30 minutes. The top will have set but the mixture will still be gooey (the top for my brownie was rather crisp i must say). Once cooler, cut carefully (recommended to cut four down, four across into 16 squares, though I cut smaller and had more squares).

for the sauce:
1. break up the chocolate and put into a heavy based saucepan
2. add the remaining ingredients, place pan over a gentle heat and let everything melt together
3.once everything has melted, stir well, take off the heat and pour into a jug to serve

engraved on the stars

i cannot stop humming this song today. sung by yuna, the malaysian girl who is making it big in New York now is like a feel good song for me. if you hear me hum this song, you know i am in a cheery mood. the song is called, "terukir di bintang" which loosely translated in english means "engraved on the stars" and i keep singing the part "terukir di bintang, tak mungkin hilang, cinta ku pada mu" which again in english means "engraved on the stars, my love for you shall never fade". ewww maybe i can come up with a better translation for that another time. maybe it should be "engraved on the stars, i shall always love you". oh whatever it is, i am sure you get the gist of what it means.

anyhow this feel good song goes out to my three boys, ruiz, thaqif and thoriq and of course to the man i love in New York, my adam - and just because my love for you is engraved on the stars :)

as for the rest of you, enjoy the song. i hope it makes you feel good too...

throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...

Allah's precious gift

This is an overdue post on this blog - i posted this birthday tribute to my darling Ammar Ruiz on my FB on his birthday, January 31:

Ten years ago, I fell in love with you without even seeing u, and when u finally made an appearance and showed yourself, I fell in love all over again, harder than before, stronger than ever, and that love I feel for you has grown with the years and will grow much more in the years to come. Always wanting to be ahead of the pack, you made an early appearance at 11.50pm on January 31, 2002, three weeks before your actual due date. Happy Birthday my adorable darling Ammar Ruiz ♥ Thank you for making mummy's life whole and thank you Allah for Your "gift".

 
on the day we left thaqif in Baling on january 25, i moved to the back of the car on the way home and sat next to ruiz quarter-way through the journey. i cried halfway home thinking of thaqif, and all the time i was crying, ruiz held my hand and didn't let go, as if to tell me that it is ok, that he is there for me. as with many other events when he has demonstrated his warmness and sensitivity, i was and am still so amazed at how sensitive and caring my barely 10 year old son can be. i hope he stays that way all his life...