Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

a full plate

january passed me by so quickly, i don't even know where the days went. i was so busy preparing thaqif for his boarding school and getting my progress presentation done, not to mention having my paper done for defense submission, i had no time for other stuff. bak was also not in good health, and i was trying to juggle everything, going back and forth to see him and mak as much as i could. even my cancelled plans to visit adam didn't get me down as it would in the past. not because i love him less or miss him any lesser, but there have been too many things going on on my end, i sometimes feel i cannot breathe.

thoriq is past his PMR disappointment and i am hoping is keeping his spirit going on working hard for his SPM eventhough it is a over a year away. keep telling him he needs to have his form four work in his hands so that he does not need to struggle with both his form four and five lessons next year. i have accepted the fact that it is not his "rezeki" to go to a boarding school. i am sure there are a lot of good in it, and perharps even lessons to learn from this. i just hope he works hard and have a bright future ahead of him apart from being a good son and muslim. ruiz is in the first class in standard four and the only class doing maths and science in english. don't even get me started there, all the stupid educational policies and changes the ministry is making, and how it is affecting students, teachers and parents. well i can talk about it in a different post if i am up to it that is. his good friends are mostly in the same class and since he is so playful, i find the need to remind him that it is going to be a competitive year for him. as for thaqif... sigh. he is having a hard time in MRSM. he keeps saying he misses home and mummy, and the boarding school is not his place. he is finding a hard time adjusting, and it is stressing me out. i am hoping he settles down real soon and i pray to Allah to take away the sadness from his heart so that he can concentrate on his studies and be happy there. i am beginning to wonder too if i have done the right thing sending a 12 year old boy who is quiet and reserved so far away from his familiar ground. yesterday evening, i sent him the surah al-insyirah - "verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief. verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief."  i do hope as he repeats it, it gives him the relief he needs. oh Allah, please lighten thaqif's heavy heart, take away the burden off his soul, remove the sadness from him and smoothen his journey for him, for You are the Almighty, the Most Merciful. my tears fel l like rain when i left him and i still find myself crying these days whenever he calls and speak to me with that sadness in his voice. Oh dear Allah, give both him and me strength to get through this.

Bak is better these days, Alhamdulillah. A lot better than the past few weeks. He is walking on his own again and has gone downstairs for his lunch and dinner now. His improved condition is a big help to Mak as she herself has been suffering from swollen ankles, painful knee joints, aching back ever since Bak got sick. i do have to go see them soon as my last visit was on saturday when thaqif was home for a long weekend break, well, not that long, just two full days at home - picked him up on thursday and sent him back via penang on sunday. it was tiring but it was well worth it to have him home. just not sure if it did more harm than good as he is not adjusting all that well.

plans with adam has to be postponed and postponed and shelved. at the rate we are going and how things are going for him at this point, we just don't even know when we will ever be able to settle down. too many hurdles to cross, too many challenges to overcome. my plate is so full, i sometimes feel it might spill over soon. but at times, despite feeling so, i am amazed at how much calmer i am at facing this separation from adam and all the cancelled and postponed plans. maybe there are a lot of "hikmah" in it, i just don't see them now. well actually one of them is bak getting sick and thankfully i am here instead of there. there are probably a lot more. i leave everything to Allah for now for He knows best and from this shall i gather all my strength. insyaAllah.