Here I am

Your calling My name is My reply.

Your longing for Me is My message to you.

All your attempts to reach Me are in reality My attempts to reach You.

Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me.

In the silence surrounding every call of "God" waits a thousand replies of "Here I am."

- Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Supplication for the sinner's heart

My God is sufficient for me, o Allah the All Sublime

None other in my heart but Allah

The light of Muhammad, peace and greetings for him

The light of Muhammad, peace and greetings for him.

Allah's promise

People in love never want to admit that human promises are temporary. They promise each other faithful love, a good and easy life...they promise "forever." But we are only human.

People break their promises all the time, sometimes out of ill-will, and sometimes simply out of their fragile humanness. It is only Allah (swt) whose promises are never broken and whose promises are eternal.

"Allah has promised the believing men and believing women gardens beneath which rivers flow, where they abide eternally, and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence; but approval from Allah is greater. It is that which is the great attainment" (9.72).

Allah promised believers Jannah, and His approval and satisfaction with us. When Allah (swt) promises us something, it is not like a promise of a human being. His promises are not contingent on other people or circumstances or a short lifespan. He is the Ever-Living and His promises are absolute.

We also promised something to Him. We made a covenant with Allah (swt) when He first gathered all the souls that would ever come into existence. We all recognised and testified to His Oneness, acknowledging that no being is worthy of worship except Him. That was our covenant, our contract, our promise. Most of humanity has broken this promise.

But still, He gives us blessings and He grants us all that we ask and He promises us something far better than what we have. There's something better waiting for us than the broken pieces of this life that we are desperately trying to glue back together. He promises us forever. On the condition that we fight against our fragility and selfishness to uphold our promise to Him, too.

"So be patient. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth" (30:60)

- Asmaa Hussein

Like a dandelion, I sway in the wind, struggling everyday to be Your better servant Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem.
O Ya Allah, forgive me for all my broken promises to You. Please forgive me.

Adieu Pak Cu

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.
Adieu Pak Cu. May Allah bless your soul, place you among the righteous and bless you with Jannah. I will forever remember your infectious laugh, your tease, your jokes and definitely your kind heart. 


When I die
when my coffin 
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world.

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling 
into a monster's abyss.

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love.

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind.

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down.

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed.

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human.

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well.

when for the last time 
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place, no time.

- Rumi
Ghazal number 911

April 22, 2014, 2am

cinta dari syurga

Mengapakah

kita menagih
cinta manusia
sedangkan
kita tahu
bahawa ia tidak sempurna
bersifat sementara
dan kekadang
mengundang dusta.

Mengapakah
sukar untuk kita
menagih cinta
yang Satu
sedangkan
kita tahu
bahawa itulah
cinta yang teristimewa
yang teragung
yang sempurna
yang kekal
lagi abadi.

"dariNya kita datang

dan kepadaNya kita kembali"

Apakah kita terlalu alpa

sehingga

kita lupa

bahawa cinta yang Satu itulah

cinta dari syurga?

Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

nobody, son of nobody...

Suppose you can recite a thousand holy
verses from memory.
What are you going to do
with your ego self, the true
mark of the heretic?

Every time your head touches
the ground in prayers, remember,
this was to teach you to
put down that load of ego
which bars you from entering
the chamber of the Beloved.

To your mind feed understanding,
to your heart, tolerance and compassion.
The simpler your life, the more meaningful.
The less you desire of the world,
the more room you will have in it
to fill with the Beloved.

The best use of your tongue
is to repeat the Beloved's Name in devotion.
The best prayers are those in
the solitude of the night.
The shortest way to the Friend
is through selfless service and
generosity to His creatures.

Those with no sense of honor and dignity are best avoided.
Those who change colors constantly
are best forgotten.
The best way to be with those
bereft of the Beloved's qualities,
is to forget them in the
joy of silence in one's corner of solitude.


~ Shaikh Abu Saeed Abil Kheir