Just another day

it's a sign. it's a heart, it is love. taken at the airshow
at Jones Beach two weekends ago.

Did I tell you that Thoriq is now in flying school? One step closer to being a pilot, God willing. And it has been almost a year since I moved over here with the two boys. It feels pretty surreal at times that a whole school year is almost over for them. and come June 16, it will be a year since we have moved here. I  am still jobless and pretty much friendless, haha. Well I know people, there are a few who drop by to say hello and even stay for a bit of a chat and clearing up whatever dessert I have left on the table. But they are not friends like the ones I have back home. They are people I say hello to when I meet them on the street or the person who happens to be the wife of the handyman who fixes stuff at the house or the handyman himself. Or friends of the husband's. It sounds pretty pathetic I know, but Adam said it is because I choose to be alone and refuse to socialize. Which I disagree of course. I do not just go out there and socialize. I do when I need to and when I do not, I would rather stay home doing what I enjoy doing - read, bake, pottering around. It does get lonely at teeny tiny times but honestly I am not complaining. My life revolves around the boys and Adam, and I know that that is not good but I am pretty much contented at this point of time. I do not know if it is age. I do not find the need to go out a lot or have friends around me. I much prefer friends back home which does not leave me much of an option of course. Perhaps it is because I do not work and thus, do not get to make friends. My neighbor is pretty aloof. We say hello or nod if we see each other outside. She does not seems to be too interested to have a conversation with me and I have much given up on trying. Why bother trying to make a conversation when the other party obviously is not interested. At times, I do not even know if I am really sorry for myself  or pretending to be, and telling Adam that I must be so pathetic for not having friends at all. I enjoy my time alone at home when the boys are in school and Adam is at work and once the boys are home, I am always busy with making dinner and cleaning and then get too tired for anything else. Plus I would much rather just spend time with Adam once the boys are in bed despite the fact that he would be absorbed in getting his kingdom saved while preparing to attack others (ok it is a game) and I would be watching a TV series on my iPad while folding clothes, or doing some reading or checking my Facebook or WhatsApp-ing or Viber-ing friends or family or Thoriq. Anyway yes that is pretty much how it is for me these days. Cleaning up, laundry and off for my run and/or brisk walk in the morning. Pick up the boys in the afternoon and then cooking and cleaning and checking on boys, folding clothes. And at times I still manage to get another round of brisk walk, reading and baking in between everything else. And I am ok, not complaining and I secretly wish that I do not have to work any longer (although this is no secret anymore now that I have blabbed all here) since home and the boys including the big boy are lots of work enough.

Anyway back to Thoriq, yes, the eldest boy is in a flying academy in Langkawi Island (in the northern part of Malaysia, a beautiful island too I must add). He will be there for the next 18 to 24 months, the duration which very much depends on the weather as they need to have a certain amount of flying hours completed and at times weather can be a factor and bad weather means no flying and no flying means extension. I am really hoping he would study hard for this as he has been so passionate about flying with all his time spent on flight simulator in the past two or three years. Not to mention the fact also that his father and I are putting a huge amount of money to get him through this school.  Flying school is no joke when it comes to the cost. I also hope being away from home and living in a dorm (more like a room with just him and a room mate) will teach him to be independent and he will finally learn to be an adult and be responsible with the choices he makes..

As for Thaqif and Ruiz, they have been pretty much getting through school rather smoothly. Both have been maintaining at least a 3.6 GPA and Ruiz has twice earned a place on the honours roll with Thaqif missing it by a few miserable points which is still a good feat taking into account that they have just moved here from a totally different country with a totally different education system and culture. But Thaqif surprised me when he actually made the cut to be on the track team and has been to a number of meet at other schools with today's being the final one. The track and field team will be having a pizza party in school tomorrow to call the season a day and I believe it has been a good experience for him. We joke that he runs fast because he is skinny. Ruiz shoots up in height. Although both he and Thaqif are getting taller by the day, Ruiz at the age of 12 is tall for his age, slimming down too, although he has not lost all his chubbiness as yet and has again beaten Thaqif in height, maybe by a half inch or so. Graduation for Thaqif is in three weeks and he will be off to High School comes September. Again how time flies. Adam said "ah what is a year?" when I told him this morning that I can't believe that it has already been almost a year since we moved here.

Ramadan is again beckoning us. In less than a month, we head into the holiest month and two weeks after that we will be heading home to KL. I know Adam prefers me to call this home but I now call both KL and NY home. So we, minus Adam unfortunately, will be in KL for the rest of Ramadan and to celebrate Eid, and we will leave for home in NY towards the end of August. Mak is all excited about me making the trip back and told me that I should head straight for their house from the airport. Bak sounded happy enough when I told him but Bak has always been the cool one and so I am not sure if he is even anywhere near excited like Mak. But I am so looking forward to going back and meeting the family and friends. Unfortunately Adam will not be able to make it due to work and I will only have a short time to spend with Thoriq. Regardless I am thankful to Allah for everything and for this chance at going home to see Bak and Mak and everyone else who matters a lot to me.




soon, it will be farewell to Spring

Spring is almost over. Summer is already making itself felt. It is hot, hot, hot today. Ramadan is around the corner. Home in KL is beckoning me. I have much to look forward to insyaa Allah. I shall not waste my time pondering over how it would feel when it comes to leaving KL for NY. I will take each day as it comes, savour each and every one of them, the moments and time to be spent with all my loved ones. There no doubt will be tears when I leave, but there will be so much joy, the tears will be worth it all.

Gotta run now. Beef stew has been in the oven for the past hour and a half with another hour and a half to go. I have rice to cook and Thaqif to pick up from school. Adam will be home very late as he has a business meeting after his clinic ends at 730pm. And I still have clothes to fold and some reading to sneak in. It's past 6pm and another day is almost over for us here while another day is just beginning over there in Malaysia for all the people whom I love. May Allah ease their way, keep them in His protection and bless them with lots and lots of happiness. And most of all, for always, I wish them... a whole lot of love.




 

Numb

Been months since i last wrote. The last time was on the eve of my marriage solemnisation to adam. Was in NY then, Brooklyn to be precise. I went home to KL not too long after that. Had earlier planned on moving to NY for good to join adam at the end of the year but plans changed and here i am, three months later back in NY, in Long Island in a new home with the two younger boys in tow starting a new life, leaving those i love dearly back home in KL. Funny in a not funny sortbof way what you once thought you wanted so much turned out to be the biggest pain in your life. Has it not been this that i wanted? To be with adam? No matter where, i thought, as long we can be together. Had i bargained for too much than i can take? Did i not see that the pain it could bring me? Leaving everything and especially everyone including my dearest thoriq and beloved bak and mak to be with a man who yes despite being my husband and who loves me, somehow could never make up for the emptiness left in me when i left KL this time for a longer term. Every time i am alone, in the quiet of the morning, with adam and boys still asleep after my fajar prayer, i remember saying goodbye to bak, he lying in bed, i had woken him from his nap to say goodbye. I had kissed him over and over on his forehead, his cheeks and i kept telling him how much i love him like i could never tell him enough, like if i dont keep saying it, he will not remember it, that he wont remember me. What if i never see him again? What if i come back and he is no longer there? What if that was me touching him and hugging him for the last time? Would i ever be able to live with it? It was ironic, i was hugging him as though i was the parent and bak was so fragile and he kept telling me it is ok and to take care. I wonder if he even remembered it after that now that he forgets things so easily these days, i am your little girl bak. I am your little girl. How could i leave you? And mak, i kissed her the way i did bak. Asked for her forgiveness and repeatedly told her i love her. She was unexpectedly strong. Tears in her eyes but she did not break dowor anything which helped me composed myself. I held her hand and turned to go but came back and gave her one last hug and kissed her again on both cheeks, telling her she has to come and see me. Who am i kidding? Who am i kidding really? Adam said it would take a while and one day the pain will recede and the homesickness wont be so bad. Right now i dont believe him. It is not his fault. He is trying to help. It is just that i dont believe him and neither do i believe my head that keeps telling me that in time it will be less painful. Maybe it willbe easier to get through the days, prolonged pain can sometimes numb you. Maybe thats is how it will be. Numb...

on the eve of a new chapter

it is late. very very late. 3.02 in the morning to be exact. everyone else in this little cosy apartment in brooklyn  are asleep. abang, kak azizah, al, kak lin (they got into JFK at almost 3pm earlier, and i have been here for a week now) and adam. and here i am in front of the laptop screen, typing away. i juts had a mug of hot chocolate and nibbles of some leftover pasta. i am having trouble falling asleep and tomorrow is the big day. yes d day for adam and i, a new chapter in the journey of my life. our solemnisation ceremony will be tomorrow, or shall i say today, later at 1.30pm after the zuhur prayer at the islamic cultural centre of new york. and here i am, still wide awake with a bad throat, a little temperature, eyes that refused to droop and brain that refused to let itself fall into a dream. i am not sure why i cannot sleep. i do not think i am anxious about my new life, and another chance at being a wife. then again, who can tell. i have been so busy, and fallen sick too these past few days, i can never tell. i know i was kind of anxious about getting married. funny how it was all i wanted and now being so close to it, i feel anxious and a little fearful about taking the next step, knowing fully well if i take this step, there is no turning back, that i have got to make good with everything that i have got.
there is never a guarantee in life. the only guarantee there is are in the promises that Allah makes. the rest you have to make the best of. and when i take that vow tomorrow and promise to be adam's wife, i intend to make things good and give it all i have. may Allah bless adam and i with happiness for the rest of our lives, and may He guide us in the journey of our lives together.

and yes, it is time

InsyaAllah...
registration at New York City Hall on March 7, 2013
nikah at New York Islamic Cultural Centre on March 11, 2013
and yes, perhaps it is time
barakAllah.

Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

engraved on the stars

i cannot stop humming this song today. sung by yuna, the malaysian girl who is making it big in New York now is like a feel good song for me. if you hear me hum this song, you know i am in a cheery mood. the song is called, "terukir di bintang" which loosely translated in english means "engraved on the stars" and i keep singing the part "terukir di bintang, tak mungkin hilang, cinta ku pada mu" which again in english means "engraved on the stars, my love for you shall never fade". ewww maybe i can come up with a better translation for that another time. maybe it should be "engraved on the stars, i shall always love you". oh whatever it is, i am sure you get the gist of what it means.

anyhow this feel good song goes out to my three boys, ruiz, thaqif and thoriq and of course to the man i love in New York, my adam - and just because my love for you is engraved on the stars :)

as for the rest of you, enjoy the song. i hope it makes you feel good too...

throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...

little things that make me swoon

today adam told me one of the sweetest things ever. it isn't a cliche but probably it is no biggie either but it made my heart soar and have me smiled all day long, even as i type this out now...

"i take care of myself better when u are around bcos i realise how precious life is when i look at u" - from New York with ♥