Numb

Been months since i last wrote. The last time was on the eve of my marriage solemnisation to adam. Was in NY then, Brooklyn to be precise. I went home to KL not too long after that. Had earlier planned on moving to NY for good to join adam at the end of the year but plans changed and here i am, three months later back in NY, in Long Island in a new home with the two younger boys in tow starting a new life, leaving those i love dearly back home in KL. Funny in a not funny sortbof way what you once thought you wanted so much turned out to be the biggest pain in your life. Has it not been this that i wanted? To be with adam? No matter where, i thought, as long we can be together. Had i bargained for too much than i can take? Did i not see that the pain it could bring me? Leaving everything and especially everyone including my dearest thoriq and beloved bak and mak to be with a man who yes despite being my husband and who loves me, somehow could never make up for the emptiness left in me when i left KL this time for a longer term. Every time i am alone, in the quiet of the morning, with adam and boys still asleep after my fajar prayer, i remember saying goodbye to bak, he lying in bed, i had woken him from his nap to say goodbye. I had kissed him over and over on his forehead, his cheeks and i kept telling him how much i love him like i could never tell him enough, like if i dont keep saying it, he will not remember it, that he wont remember me. What if i never see him again? What if i come back and he is no longer there? What if that was me touching him and hugging him for the last time? Would i ever be able to live with it? It was ironic, i was hugging him as though i was the parent and bak was so fragile and he kept telling me it is ok and to take care. I wonder if he even remembered it after that now that he forgets things so easily these days, i am your little girl bak. I am your little girl. How could i leave you? And mak, i kissed her the way i did bak. Asked for her forgiveness and repeatedly told her i love her. She was unexpectedly strong. Tears in her eyes but she did not break dowor anything which helped me composed myself. I held her hand and turned to go but came back and gave her one last hug and kissed her again on both cheeks, telling her she has to come and see me. Who am i kidding? Who am i kidding really? Adam said it would take a while and one day the pain will recede and the homesickness wont be so bad. Right now i dont believe him. It is not his fault. He is trying to help. It is just that i dont believe him and neither do i believe my head that keeps telling me that in time it will be less painful. Maybe it willbe easier to get through the days, prolonged pain can sometimes numb you. Maybe thats is how it will be. Numb...