today's thoughts

on motherhood;

"Sometimes when you pick up your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood - finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without."


on making mistakes;
 

 
"Everyone thinks you make mistakes when you're young. But I don't think we make any fewer when we're grown up."

for the love of books

Why do I read?

I just can't help myself.
I read to learn and to grow, to laugh
and to be motivated.
I read to understand things I've never
been exposed to.

I read when I'm crabby, when I've just

said monumentally dumb things to the

people I love.

I read for strength to help me when I
feel broken, discouraged, and afraid.
I read when I'm angry at the whole world.


I read when everything is going right.
I read to find hope.
I read because I'm made up not just of
skin and bones, of sights, feelings,
and a deep need for chocolate, but I'm
also made up of words.
Words describe my thoughts and what's
hidden in my heart.
Words are alive--when I've found a
story that I love, I read it again and
again, like playing a favorite song
over and over.
Reading isn't passive--I enter the
story with the characters, breathe
their air, feel their frustrations,
scream at them to stop when they're
about to do something stupid, cry with
them, laugh with them.
Reading for me, is spending time with a
friend.
A book is a friend.
You can never have too many.


— Gary Paulsen (Shelf Life: Stories by the Book)

wintry love

the gazebo that adam built...

Take bread away from me, if you wish,

take air away, but

do not take from me your laughter.

Do not take away the rose,

the lance flower that you pluck,

the water that suddenly

bursts forth in joy,

the sudden wave

of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back

with eyes tired

at times from having seen

the unchanging earth,

but when your laughter enters

it rises to the sky seeking me

and it opens for me all

the doors of life.

from Pablo Neruda's Your Laughter

petals

Even when you tear its petals off one after another,
the rose keeps laughing and doesn't bend in pain.
"Why should I be afflicted because of a thorn?
It is the thorn which taught me how to laugh."
Whatever you lost through fate,
be certain that it saved you from pain.

A Sheikh was asked: "What is Sufism?"
He said: "To feel joy in the heart when sorrow appears."




- Jelaluddin Rumi -
from Breathing Truth, translation by Muriel Maufroy

life is like a box of chocolates

"mama always said, life was like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're gonna get!" - forrest gump

image via whizbiz

it is true isn't it? that life is so like a box of chocolate. you never know what you are going to get, you never know who you are going to meet, what you are going to face, where you are going to go. you can plan your life all you want. but it doesn't mean that things will turn out the way you planned.

1.  children
i have always wanted children, no doubt about that. when i was younger, i always thought i wanted five - a boy, a girl, a boy, a boy and a girl. yes, in that sequence. i somehow thought that would be perfect. now here i am with three boys and i do not think i would want anymore. and i am not into that "i must have a girl. so let's try again" mode.  if i ever change my mind, it is because of adam.  he has never been married, does not have any kids and would love one. we have talked about things, i have sometimes said yes and sometimes said no because of my age and adam has quietly been insisting we should try for a baby once we settle down, just one he said. and everytime i tell him i would be too old by then, he turns around and say in a resigned tone, "looks like i am destined by God not to have any kids".  but he loves the boys, so that pretty much makes up for things eventhough it is never going to be the same for him. oh oh now i am feeling bad about it... anyway, that's what happens when you marry an older woman who is over the normal child bearing age.  too many risks for the mommy and the baby, plus gosh after almost 9 years of not having to wake up in the middle of the night, i don't know if i can do that again...

2. relationships and marriage
i started late.  i didn't have a serious relationship until i was 19 and when i was already in college.  when i was younger, there were one or two crushes. never on a boy in school.   the biggest crush i had was on this boy who lived close to my parents' house and he was a lot older. looking back, it was such a silly thing.  i barely knew him but i thought i was head over heels in crush with him.  a few boys in school asked me out but i was never interested to a point that a few of them accused me of being a lesbian, blimey me... my first love was in college when i was almost 20 and despite the almost seven years intense off and on head over heels relationship we had, it didn't last due to many problems.  we had plans, future plans to settle down and have a family but plans are just that. they never materialised and i moved on and met the man to be my husband.  no one in this world i believe, who is in his right mind would step into a marriage thinking he or she would want to divorce a few years down the road.  a marriage is supposed to be a lifetime, forever... when you find your right someone and take that big plunge, it is because you want to grow old with that person, not getting out of your vows a number of years down the road.  i would never have thought that i would one day divorce. never have thought that i would get into that "divorcee" category, or in malay "janda" which ewww sounds traumatic, and that word alone can attract a lot of malice, unfortunately.  but after almost 12 years of marriage, i found myself dumped into that category, into that group, coupled with the "single mom" term, struggling with society's view, opinion, gossips and whispers of you, and by society, i mean friends, family, business contacts, just anyone who happens to know you and know you were married.  did i even have a whiff of idea back when i was single and free that this would someday happen to me?  that in my late 30s i would feel like i was losing everything including a grip on life?  the answer is NOT AT ALL... no idea whatsoever. tell me this 10 or 15 years ago and i would probably tell you to go fly kites.

3.  my three lovely boys
i thought i would have children. i wanted them. when thoriq came into the world, i hoped my next would be different, a girl please God. the second one indeed turned out to be different but not in sex.  third one followed and i was oh so hoping it was going to be a girl but even before the doctor confirmed it, i knew it's a boy and voila, i was right.  no regrets, no tears at finding out they are boys, no cursing or lamenting. it is pretty normal to want a girl after a boy, what more after two boys, but i am glad that i was always alright, always happy about the sex of my baby regardless. i know of some moms who cried endlessly when told of the sex of the baby and it was against their hopes and expectations.  Alhamdulillah, i never went through that.  of course i had hoped and wished for a girl and looked longingly at girls' clothes but i always tell myself that God has a reason for not giving me a girl.  i think He knows that i will spend too much on her clothes and accessories, and that a girl growing up would give me more headache and stress than a growing boy.  i suppose i would miss out on having a daughter and despite well meaning friends and family saying "oh but u will have them in your daughters-in-law" i do not think it will be the same.  though it is my hope that when i have one or two or three of them, we will have a good and loving relationship, and if we cannot stand each other, God forbids, at least have a decent and civilised relationship. 

4.  adam and New York
who would think i would meet adam?  especially when i am divorced, in my late 30s with three boys.  i thought i would never find love again.  but always the romantic me, i held out hopes of falling in love again, though to be honest not that much of a hope, given my age and situation and the shortage of decent single men in the market. met a few local men and boys, but never to my expectation.  never one who seems to put my boys ahead of all the rest of the wants and needs.  never until i met adam unexpectedly.  who would think i would meet a man thousands of miles away from where i live?  i never imagined i would have to travel all the way to New York to fall in love.  never wanted the distance again. all my three serious relationships in my life have always been long distance and this turns out to be the farthest.  the first one was either in sarawak, or brunei or singapore. the ex was in malaysia but in other states until he moved to jakarta.  and this one... all the way in New York?  who would ever thought of that? certainly never me...

so forrest gump's mama... you are right.  hand me over a box of chocolates right now, and i still won't know what i would get...let me see, this is...macadamia... almond...more almond...hazelnut... yup, got it, my favourite...raisins, yummy... 

morale of the story is - take what you get, find the yummy in it and perhaps soon enough, you will find the yummiest bit of all, in between the good ones and the bad... one thing's for sure though... you never know what you're gonna get.

image via cinemaniax

one last thought - if you know what you are going to get, life would be too predictable and boring then dont you think? the argument goes on...ok i am off.

pain

"Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't, but either way, it's a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another."

the guest house

for all the sorrows in life, i shall open my door to every sadness, happiness, challenges... put my faith in God, look forward to some new delight and hope for a better tomorrow.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Jelaluddin Rumi -
translation by Coleman Barks

roller coaster

i have never cried on my way to New York, be it on work or or to see adam in recent years...i will miss the boys and think of them on my flight but i never cried. i cry when i am leaving New York for home because i don't know when i will be seeing adam again and that creates such pain and heaviness in my heart. each time, throughout the flight, the pain would threaten to turn me into an emotional mess, and my throat would hurt from all that choking of tears, trying hard not to break apart...
but as i have said, i never cry when i leave KL knowing well i am coming home to the boys. i will feel sad about leaving them but i know that i am coming back to them soon enough.
this time, things are different. this time, on my flight from KL to Doha, i was holding back tears, and in the end gave in to the pain in my heart, somehow feeling so sad over leaving the boys. perhaps because earlier before i left, as i was tucking thaqif into bed, he cried... he said "i don't want you to go mommy" and it almost immediately brought tears to my eyes. i averted his eyes because i didn't want him to see me cry and make matters worse. but i didn't even have to do that because he had his face under the quilt and he was sobbing.  and that broke my heart.  i don't know why this time, he took it hard.  maybe because i have not left him for quite a while.  the last time i traveled to see adam was in 2009 and he didn't cry then. he missed me yes but he didn't cry before i left. i was always more worried about ruiz missing me and breaking into tears every night when he starts feeling that way but never thaqif because he had always been pretty strong whenever i am away.  and there i was on that flight with tears silently rolling down my cheeks.  even when i was having my meal, tears welled in my eyes and i had to turn my face the other way so that the passenger next to me won't notice.

a lovely pic of
my beloved bak and mak
with big brother and sister;
pic taken over 50 years ago

i silently cried again later when i thought of bak.  i don't know why but that long lonely flight made me think a lot and one of them was of him.  i thought about how fragile he is nowadays and how precious the time i have left with him now.  i remember hugging him on sunday evening when i saw him last before leaving for New York. i remember his weakened arms over me and felt the thin whiskers on his face as i kissed him.  when did my father become so old? when did his body get so fragile that he is stooping when he stands these days. i remember his shaking right hand, a result from his last stroke which is getting worse as he gets older and i could not hold back my tears.
i don't know if the passenger next to me noticed but i was trying so hard to hold back my tears.  perhaps the reason why it has been so difficult and challenging for me to join adam for good in the US could be because it is better for me right now to stay where i am given bak's age and health situation.  maybe also because i will not be able to live without my boys even when i think i could for at least a year.  Allah knows better and maybe those are the reasons why there have been so many challenges in my moving plans. whether what i think or believe are right or not, i leave it to Him. whatever it is, the flight from KL to Doha made me think and rethink my plans. as much as it hurt to be away from adam right now, maybe this is the best thing - for me to stay where i am in KL, to be close to bak and mak, to be where my boys are, and to have to commute thousand of miles to see the man i love.
i do not know how long i can bear this emotional roller coaster. i see adam and i miss my boys and i worry about my aging parents. i am with my boys and my parents, and i miss adam so bad. i do not know how much of it i can take, but if this is the path that Allah has chosen for me, there has to be the good in it. and believing that, i take each day as it comes, i try hard to be emotionally and mentally strong, and i pray to Allah to ease my way...     

freezing butt and in love

my butt almost got frozen when i first got out of JFK airport yesterday afternoon. i was shaking so hard, adam was laughing at me. that's what happens when a tropical weather girl gets into a cold and snowy situation. but finally seeing adam after so many months, that cold and every bit of frozen butt were worth it. seeing him laugh in front of me was worth all that long horrible almost 24 hours flight of mine. i am finally seeing him laugh, not just hearing him...i see him and i fall in love with him all over again...

it's snowing in brooklyn

he sleeps in a storm

from Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom:

a man seeks employment on a farm.  he hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer. it reads simply, 'he sleeps in a storm.'
the owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.
several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.
awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. he calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.
so he dashes off to the barn. he sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.
he runs out to the field.  he sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.
he races to the silo.  the doors are latched, and the grain is dry.
and then he understands. 'he sleeps in a storm.'
my friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business.  our words will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight.  we will never wallow in the agony of 'i could have, i should have.'  we can sleep in a storm.
and when it's time, our good-byes will be complete.

of food, family, friends and favourite things

the year of 2010 saw me cooking and baking a lot, for friends, family and even for some orders, believe it or not, well at least on the baking part. tried some new recipes for the boys and myself, and discovered new recipes that have become the favourite of many.  roasted lamb has been a whole year favourite with the boys and nieces and even my close sarawakian friends.  and there is no ending to brownies. my chocolate brownies filled with walnuts and chopped chocs has always been a favourite but the adults fell in love with my brownies with orange cream cheese topping ever since i stumbled upon that recipe.

i believe it is that zesty taste of orange mixed with cream cheese combined with the sweet and salty and such chocolatey brownies that overwhelms a person when eating it.  my special banana cake topped with cream cheese frosting (yes more cream cheese...) made its appearance again after a long time towards the end of the year. that happens to be one of my sister-in-law's favourite and i still owe her one big cake without having it being invaded by others, which in my family can be a little difficult and the reason why i always end up having to bake more than one cake or brownies...  my nieces are over at my place pretty often to savour the home cooked food. last year, they have had lamb, pasta, salad, stuffed mushroom, sauteed mushroom, roast chicken, bruschetta, mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes, and the list pretty much goes on. and just after new year, on january 2, i made roasted lamb again complete with sauteed mushroom, mashed potato, bruschetta as the appetiser and salad, for my niece naressa and nephews, adam and yusuff. in a way it was to celebrate ucop's birthday on dec 29 because no one took him out to celebrate when he turned 14. his mom, salee has moved to qatar, and i am sure if she is around, she would either cook for him or take him out. he was already leaving for his boarding school the next day while adam who is now pursuing music in UITM was home for the weekend. thoriq of course enjoyed lamb, being one of his favourite dishes and the company was perfect for him and his brothers. 

stuffed mushroom

choc chip cookies

the next evening, i was again cooking, this time the menu was more chinese style - chicken with ginger and mushroom, mixed vegetable with straw mushroom, deep fried fish vietnamese style, salted eggs and last but not least the malay bit of sambal belacan. that was for tirmite who is my niece's fairuz's husband. he is not into western and he has never had lunch or dinner at my place ever since they got married a year ago. whenever fairuz comes over to eat, it was always with the girls and not with him. so i cooked him that and for someone skinny who doesnt like to eat much, he did a double helping. i was glad he enjoyed the food.  my biggest achievement in the food area in 2010 was finally baking a pie. goodness, i have been thinking and saying i will bake a pie for yonks but the thought of making the pastry always somehow stalled me because i was sure i was not going to get it right.  until i found that chocolate pecan pie recipe which i posted up here last month.  i actually tried baking the pie and it turned out pretty well. so happened it was just fresh out of the oven and the ex arrived with some friends from jakarta. they were all over the pie with the boys, it was a sight to behold, fighting each other off the pie.  i have yet to make another one but when i am back from New York, i must try a savoury pie instead of a sweet one. i am sure thoriq would be ecstatic if i bake a lamb pie... that is on my next to do list when i get back.

my roast lamb

end of 2010 also saw me spending more time with the family, especially my sister. i saw her a whole lot more and i actually went out with her for a movie. i do not ever in my life remember going for a movie with her. i never did ask her about this but i am pretty sure i have never been to one with her. it has also been a long time since we went out for dinner and it was a refreshing change to do so when her girls, who are of course my nieces arranged for the evening of dinner and movie Rapunzel for just us girls. it was nice to be able to do that with her. being 10 years younger than her, i don't remember getting to spend that much time with her. she left the house to pursue her studies when i was in primary school . i don't recall spending a lot of time with her but i know i looked forward to all the time we had. i admired her for being so smart in maths, a subject which i could never quite figure out until of late.  i admired her for all the knowledge she has from all the books she read, and trust me until today, she keeps her nose in books whenever she has the free time. she once told me that the only reason she knows how to cook is because she has kids, otherwise forget cooking and here's to reading.  i admired her for her strength in being able to be patient with all the hardship she had to go through many many years ago. and i was so happy for her when all that patience was rewarded when life took a better turn for her and her family years after.  and when she lost her husband, my heart broke for her. i am just so glad she has her children who are all Alhamdulillah, have turned out to be good kids and responsible to their mom.  of late, i have been going over to her place quite often than usual, because of the last school holidays and i make it a point to go see her at my parents' whenever she goes there. and u know what, it feels good. it feels really good to be with the family. as you grow older, you appreciate family more and the moments spend with them are definitely moments treasured, moments that can never be bought or sought after once they have passed. i make the effort to go home to my parents each week because the thot of not seeing them at least once a week makes me feel incomplete especially if i am not away.  i make sure the boys know the importance of visiting their grandparents often, to have them close to my parents now when they are still around, to appreciate the love of their grandparents and to return that love. ruiz almost always give his tok bak a massage whenever he goes over and tok bak enjoys that a lot. it is a delight to see the two of them together with my father laughing over his grandson's way of massaging him. i also make the extra effort to visit my brother nazrie whenever he comes home to my parents as he stays in setiawan and if i do not do that, i will miss the chance of seeing and catching up with him, his wife and kids. i am guilty of not making a trip to his place after that one visit many years ago and also not making it during the last holidays. so that long overdue visit would also be on my to do list for this year. ruiz and thaqif would go hooray on that one...

as for friends, for many years, i have been having vanessa on my side. she is like a younger sister i never had. she can be nuts and obscene when she wants, but she has the kindest soul.  and eventhough we are not tied by blood, we are family.  for god knows what insane reason, she made me a godmother to her youngest the not so chubby boy anymore, jayden whom she gave birth to over a year ago.  i have not been such a fantastic godmother, but i hope she knows i would rise up to the challenge if ever there is one.  and that she can rely on me not just for jayden but on anything that has got to do with her. and believe it or not, that girl has a whole lot of creativity in her. she may not have patience with people but she sure has lots of patience when it comes to creative stuff. see what she made me for 2011...

i can't get even close to that. sorry sa... this year in May, our friendship will reach its 17th year, can you believe that? we have gone through our highs and lows and i see us growing old together, and perhaps still drooling over the equally old marcell and anuar zain, haha...

my friendship with my school friends, sumitha, audrey and li lian is still solid. we don't meet often but we try to once every few months. we have been close friends since we were 13 and we have been the 1Malaysia even before the Prime Minister came up with that slogan, for me, that's old news... li lian finally got married just over a year ago and we are simply excited for her. one regret was not being able to be at her wedding as i was away on a job in Tambun, Perak. i owe them lunch or dinner too. they have not been at my place for ages and now, that is another must to do list for the year, and early of the year it has to be, somewhere on top of that list.

and my dearest nana, my sarawakian friend whom i first met more than 20 years ago. she was one of my apartment mates when we were both in part one in ITM for a whole year. and eventhough we moved dorms after that, we hung out often especially since i started dating a sarawakian.  over the years, we have stayed good friends and become each other's confidante.  if vanessa is nuts, this one is nuttier and even more obscene but she is funny, warm, thoughtful and a wonderful friend.  i am looking forward to having her visit come this february. another sarawakian friend, naza will be crashing over at my place at that time on his way home to Miri after a holiday in Brisbane. so there will be lots of chatting and eating sessions for us when we get together.

friends have come and go in my life. i have in my lifetime lost someone i considered a best friend for many years, my entire teenage life infact, and sadly until today, i still do not understand what exactly happened.  another close friend kind of drifted away and no longer stayed in touch and what hurt was to find that she is these days in touch with mutual friends of ours but not me.  up to now, i wonder why but i have learnt to let them pass, preferring instead to focus, enjoy and cherish on what i have now - existing friendships, the lasting ones.  can't say what will happen tomorrow but i shall not worry about that now, shall i?

books remain one of my favourite things - i have read a number of them in 2010 and i hope to be reading more this year. they are such a delightful past time, i just can't seems to get enough of them. with books, i get to be in a different world, travel elsewhere, in touch with others' emotions, slip into someone else's shoes, look at things in a different perspective, learn something new, make interesting discoveries, laugh my heart out, break into tears, have my heart touched... how is it that there are people who are not into books? i dream of having a room full of books, with shelves as high up to the ceiling, filled to the brim with all sorts of books where i can reach only with those ladders or steps you see in the movies. i do not know if i will ever achieve that dream but one thing i can say is that i love standing infront of my modest sized bookshelves in the upstairs tv area of my home and just spend time looking at the books i have. it is difficult to explain or describe the feeling.  but i am sure that those who are in love with books the way i am would understand what i am trying to say. i have just finished The White Tiger, a novel by Aravind Adiga which is funny, absurd at times but pretty powerful.  the storyline which touched on corruption and injustices in India, cynically and gleefully told by the writer, ironically resembles the dirty politics and corruption that is going on in my own country. anyhow, now that i am done with that novel, i am now reading Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom, a book i bought back in october.  got a copy for nazrie too and he has finished it a long time ago.   i just started this evening and i am already quarter way through. i am done with the boys' homework and revision. let's hope no one needs me now so that i can continue reading.  i wish i have more time to read, sometimes i wish i have all the time in the world just to read...

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me

i carry it in my heart

i am never without it

anywhere i go you go,my dear;

and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling

i fear not fate

for you are my fate,my sweet

i want no world

for beautiful

you are my world,my true

and it's you

are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing

is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky

of a tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope

or mind can hide

and this is the wonder

that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

i carry it in my heart...

- e e cummings -

aku sepatutnya malu menulis surat cinta pada Mu

Aku sepatutnya malu menulis surat cinta pada-Mu

kerana ia tidak mungkin jadi sempurna

dan setelah terlalu banyak mengingkari-Mu

Kau mungkin tidak sedia menerima.

Mengapa harus aku tiba pada-Mu

bagai seekor kupu-kupu yang meninggalkan rimbanya

keragaman rahsia yang mentaati kata-kata

“tidak kuberi ilmu

melainkan sedikit sahaja”

aku jadi marah pada ketetapan itu

dan meluru menuju lampu

tapi hanya terhumban pada kaca

lalu jatuh ke kaki-Mu

apakah Kau sedia memaafkan

carik-carik di kepakku?

Atau apakah Kau sengaja

memilih pertemuan begini

untuk aku jadi lebih terpegun

pada kesempurnaan jari-jari-Mu?

image via flickr.com

Mengapa aku harus tiba pada-Mu

bagai sungai yang menemui muaranya

dalam murung rasa tua

setelah terlalu banyak meronta

mahu melepaskan diri dari sekatan tebingnya

tapi hanya menambahkan bebanan

sehingga tiba pada keluasan lautmu

apakah Kau sedia memaafkan

kekeruhan di tubuhku?

Atau apakah Kau sengaja          

memilih pertemuan begini

untuk aku jadi lebih terpesona

pada kejernihan mata-Mu?

Kau terlalu banyak menyimpan keindahan

mengapakah aku tidak melihatnya dahulu

atau apakah Kau sengaja menyembunyikan

supaya aku jadi lebih kasih pada-Mu?

~ Zurinah Hassan ~

every child has known God

image via guidetomeditation.org

every child has known God,

not the God of names,

not the God of don’ts,

not the God who ever does Anything weird,

but the God who knows only 4 words.

and keeps repeating them, saying:

“Come Dance with Me , come dance.”

- Hafiz -

 

supermom mode back on

2011 - another new year. how quick time flies...leaving us another year older, hopefully wiser, with more number of wrinkles than we can count, maybe new aches and pain, deteriorating muscles and joints, lesser hair, greyer hair, deteriorating eyesight, sagging skin, lesser energy and closer to death...

gosh i make it all sound so depressing but then again, they are all a natural part of every human life. it is whether you are willing to embrace them and grow old gracefully or you fall into a case of denial and seek ways to remain young, at least in terms of looks... which of course lead some people, unfortunately mostly women, to choose face lifts, botox, cosmetic surgery and so on.

anyhow putting all that aside, another year for me means my boys are all growing up. it is a heavy year for me.  thoriq and thaqif are having their PMR and UPSR exams this year and the ex is moving again, this time to Johor, having secured a better and well paying job, leaving me to fend alone. which of course is nothing new to me. after all i have been alone three quarter of the time in raising the boys even before our divorce, and when thoriq had his UPSR three years ago, i had to face it alone. so it is basically the same this time except there are two boys facing exams not just one. and thoriq is turning into quite a challenging teenager communication wise.  he doesn't speak so much.  a typical conversation with him would pretty much go like this:
mommy: "how was school today?"
thoriq: "ok"
mommy:  "have you eaten?"
thoriq: "yes"
mommy: "you want to follow me run at the park?"
thoriq: (grunts) "no"
mommy: "ok, don't forget to take that glass of yours to the sink when you are done. i am going to go running for a while ok."
thoriq: (grunts again) "emmm" *at least it sounds that way, don't even know how to spell it to get the sound right*

sighhhhh... sometimes i do not know whether to laugh or cry. last night he was having a long face, all day after coming home from school. and when i asked him what was wrong, he said "bored" and when i told him that we can discuss about things, that he can talk to me, what i got in response was - yes another grunt.  half of the time, i believe he thinks i am nagging him. and i told him last night that, i do not start off nagging. i tell him and when he doesn't do things, i remind him. and when he still doesn't do it, i tell him again. which all boils down to them being reminders but in his case, mommy is nagging.

anyhow, i have to find ways to communicate with him as i do not think he will snap out of this teenage phase he is going through anytime soon. i need to see to it that he is actually putting all his effort into getting good results in his upcoming PMR.  the other challenge with him is that he is defensive and short tempered (thanks to my side of the family) and thinks that his way is a better way.  he has set a target for himself - getting good results to get into the Royal Military College which will pave the way for him to achieve his ambition to become an air force pilot.  which is all good especially since at this age, he already knows what he wants in life.  the trouble is i have yet to see him put the effort. he is a smart boy but God help me, not willing to put as much effort into his studies and it worries me, naturally as i am a parent and even more, as i am a mother... so i have to find ways to ensure he studies hard, with double the usual effort, without sounding like i am nagging. hmmm that would be difficult... it was so much easier when he was facing his UPSR three years ago though we did have our disagreements and fights, with me getting into tears and calling the ex who was then in Jakarta just to get it off my chest. the good thing that came out of it though was he achieved 5As and the fact that he was happy with his closest friends who also achieved the same results made every fight, every nag worth it.  i always think that he would listen to his father better as he was always his daddy's boy, but with the ex being away most of the time and not spending as much time with him, i would just have to step up to the challenge. i pray to Allah, it would all turn well..

as for thaqif, it is a heavy year for him too. i am happy that he has been made a class head (though i was told by the teacher that he rejected it when he was appointed, can you believe that? if it had been a girl, she would have been jumping off her seat. even ruiz would have been over excited at that opportunity, haha...) apart from facing his UPSR, he would have to face homeworks, home revision, kumon, tuition, quran reading class and extra class on saturdays.  being skinny and smaller than most boys his age, even ruiz who is three years (well two years and two months to be exact but not precise) younger is slightly taller than him and bigger in size, he kept telling me "i will die mommy, i will die. so many things to do." and i kept telling him that we shall do things together and ensure they get done well without either one of us dying in the process... *eyes rolling up*

as for ruiz? my big baby is a librarian this year. he proudly wears his new uniform, complete with vest and all. he came home yesterday on his first day of school, telling me that he volunteered to become the head of class and his teacher told him he cannot be holding two positions at one time. that prompted the ex to say "ni gila kuasa ni" and we laughed and he innocently said "well i don't mind being a librarian, a class monitor and a prefect at one go. i know i can do it." giving him a hug, i said "i know you do, but you do even better being just a librarian."

anyway the other challenge for me is the driving back and forth to send the kids to kumon and tuition, and working at the same time. trying to schedule their activities was already a big headache for me. they all have different times of movement. for instance today, a tuesday:

3.20pm get out of office and off home to pick thaqif and ruiz for kumon, and me go back to the office

5.00pm hopefully they are done, join me downstairs and off home

6.10pm send thoriq for tuition

7.10pm send thaqif for tuition

8.45pm pick up thaqif from tuition

9.15pm pick up thoriq from tuition

in-between - ensure ruiz does his home revision, teach him etc etc...

in and out of the house, drive back and forth...

that is how my typical day in 2011 is and will be like. and that will go on for the next 10 months plus... however i will be taking a little break in a week's time to visit the fiance in New York for three weeks and in the short time i am gone, the ex will be in charge - good luck to him.  a little break at the start of the year and once i get home, i will be going full swing ahead into the supermom mode, cape and all... 

oh by the way, happy new year everyone...

signing off, supermom xoxo