dancing in the rain

i received this note from adam sometime last year. this note touched on the sort of love that i would like to have and hope for... one that will see me through my old and twilight days...

image via
naressa's fb wall



It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.  As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'   He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arms and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

but how to dance in the rain...

sing a song of six pence

i might just try baking this today if i am still in a pie baking mode later. and later means after looking for a tailor to tailor ruiz's school pants (can't find one that fits, too tight on the waist and too low on the crotch and too long on the length) as he needs a fitting green pants for school next year. he will be a librarian so the uniform is entirely different from the normal one and i am facing an uphill task of finding a tailor within the vicinity, can you believe that... anyway for those who fancy trying out making a pie, here is a good chocolate pecan pie recipe from david lebovitz:

Chocolate Pecan Pie
One 9-inch (23cm) pie

The crust:
1 1/4 cups (175g) flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons sugar
4 ounces (115g) unsalted butter, chilled, and cut into 1-inch (3cm) cubes
4 tablespoons (60ml) ice water

The chocolate-pecan filling:
3 large eggs
3/4 cup (150g) packed dark brown sugar
2/3 cup (200g) light corn syrup, rice syrup or golden syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons (30g) melted butter, salted or unsalted
2 tablespoons bourbon
1 2/3 cups (190g) toasted pecans, very coarsely chopped
3/4 cup (120g) bittersweet or semisweet chocolate chips


1. To make the crust, mix together the flour, salt, and sugar in a bowl or in a stand mixer
with the paddle attachment. (Or use a food processor.)
2. Add the cubed butter and mix until the butter pieces are broken up and about the size of small peas.
3. Add the ice water and mix just until the dough comes together. Form the dough into a disk, wrap in plastic, and chill for at least 30 minutes.
4. Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface into a 12-inch (30cm) round. Transfer the dough into a 9-inch ( cm) pie plate letting the dough ease into the pan, rather than pressing it in. Tuck the overhanging dough underneath the area above the rim of the pie plate, to create a double width of dough, then crimp the edges and refrigerate until ready to fill.
5. Preheat the oven to 375ºF (190ºC) and position the oven rack to the center of the oven.
6. In a large bowl, which together the eggs, brown sugar, syrup, vanilla, salt, melted butter, and bourbon.
7. Stir in the pecans and the chocolate chips then scrape the filling into the pie shell and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until the filling puffs up slightly but still feels slightly jiggly and moist in the center.
Let pie cool completely before slicing.

if i do not have the time later, looks like it will have to wait till tomorrow. or the next day. or perhaps... next week? anyhow good luck to all trying including me. of course trying here first means trying to find the time. that will then only be followed by trying out baking the pie finally... and when it is done... well, we can all break into:
 "sing a song of six pence, a pocket full of rye. four and twenty black birds baked in a pie. when the pie is open, the birds began to sing. wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?"
still remember that one? *wink wink*

finding my way to Him

" come and come again

come and come again

ours is a dergah of mercy

even if you have broken a thousand repentance

come and come again."

of late, i have been doing a lot of reflection and soul searching. i have been struggling to become a better muslim, falling off and getting back on, determined to stay on course in my spiritual journey.  for some time, i have listened to sallie, my sister in law (or ex sis in law to be more precise as she was married to one of my brothers, and we have remained close until today) who is a follower of nashqbandi sufi, speak about sufism.  and in my journey of faith, i have been looking up on sufism and reading bits and pieces here and there.  being one that is into poems, i fell in love with the sufi poems that i came across.  they have become a pulling factor for me towards sufism.  through the poems, i see God and my journey to become closer to Him in a different light. they have made me want to learn more, to be a better muslim, to find a place with God. sallie has mentioned a number of times over the year about taking me to the centre in KL but it had never materialised until last week.  i was not expecting anything. i called sallie to enquire about a certain shaykh in NY whom she has been talking about so that i can arrange to see him or someone while i am there to enquire about niqah arrangement in the future. i could not even remember this person's name and i was determined to get all the information before she left for qatar and my own trip to NY.  as fated by Allah, sallie was excited to hear from me and told me that the shaykh she was talking about was in KL and that i should follow her on sunday afternoon for a gathering where he will be. i felt a little rush in me, excited at the prospect of going for the gathering, of learning and perhaps of finding my way to Allah.  unfortunately when sunday came, sallie told me at the last minute that she was leaving earlier and i could not make it as my sister was coming over to pick up my nephew who had been staying over, and it did not feel good not to be at home for her. i accepted that i was not going to see the shaykh, much less attend the gathering after all.  but came 4pm, i got a call from sallie saying there would be another gathering that evening and i could follow her if i wanted.  call it fate or destiny, or just Allah opening up the way for me but it was by chance that i happened to call sallie at a time that shaykh hisyam kabbani was in KL on his trip to Malaysia.   and so there i was last sunday evening, attending my first suhbah and having the honour of meeting, initiated and blessed by syakh hisham who is the murid of the last grand shaykh nazim al-haqqani, and the one who established the foundation of the nasqshbandi-haqqani sufi order of america.  during the gathering, they made a video call with mawlana syakh nazim and i heard the mawlana speak, and eventhough i could not understand anything he was saying as i believe he was speaking in turkish (if i am not wrong that is), his voice was soothing and calming.  a group of men in black turban (i will speak about that in a later post) played drum instruments and sang praises to God and the prophet (pbuh) and it was all a new but exciting experience for me.  i met many others, many locals, and some foreigners, converts of various nationalities and race, all insyaAllah in same the pursuit of getting closer to Allah and being a better muslim.

i do not have much time left on this earth, and i realise that death could come for me at anytime.  i do not know where this spiritual journey of mine will take me. i am just learning about sufism, and i have started practising the daily spiritual practises by doing zikir and insyaAllah not falling behind on the wajib/ required daily prayers.  i do not know how i will do, i do not know what lies ahead of me, i do not know where this will take me. all i know is that i feel good to have found this and to complete the daily spiritual practises makes me feel that i am moving a step forward to being closer to Allah. i realise i am still very far from Him and i may stumble as i go along. i just hope that He guides me and ease the path for me as i learn, discover and find my way to Him.

the sun never says

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth

“You owe Me.”

Look what happens

With a love like that...

It lights the whole sky.

- Hafiz, The Gift -          

dear Allah

i wish many times that i could be a better muslim, a better person in the eyes of Allah. i know He never makes it hard for me, so why do i find it so hard to be one? why do i keep trying and slipping off, that at times it makes me so ashame to face Him, to keep asking for forgiveness, knowing i am not worthy of it...

dear Allah

let me hide in You
from everything that distracts me from You,
from everything that comes in my way
when I want to run to You.

– Rabia Al-Adawiyah

happy new year



image via reuters

on this first day of the new year, my wishes for the coming year are best described in these beautiful quotes:
“May Allah steal from you all that steals you away from Him.”
Rabia Al-Adawiyah

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.
Maulana Jelaluddin Rumi

salam maal hijrah everyone, a very happy new year and may we become better muslims as time goes by...

a leap of faith

"do not see the wall; leap over your problems"
i came across that quote in an article and it reminded me of my adam. as i am writing this right now, he is starting his hospital rotation at wyckoff hospital in brooklyn, new york.  his first rotation and ironically it is in OBGYN, the specialisation that he had hoped would be among the last of all his rotations.  regardless, this is a welcome development in his relentless pursuit to become a medical doctor.  after having been a doctor of chiropractic for years, adam turned to medicine due to a back injury and a surgery that has taken its toll on him over the years; a back problem that would someday stand in his way of continuing on as a chiropractor.  and when he decided to go back to school and pursue medicine, little did he know that he was going to face so many stumbling blocks and challenges that not many people could overcome.
the latest challenge of his was his inability to get a study loan to finance what is his final stage of studies before earning an MD and doing his residency.  he has 60 weeks of rotation to do and a whole lot of tuition fee is needed for this part of his studies, and the inability to get a loan due to cuts for study loans in the US has threatened to affect the continuation of this one last stage and our relationship. he managed to get help from his family and has to finance part of the fee himself.  this latest turn in events means that he might have to extend his rotation period from 60 weeks to more, if he needs to take a few months leave in between semesters in order to work and raise money for the next semester. and this would also mean that our initial plans of marriage etc would have to be postponed to a date that we are unable to determine at this point. i was of course heartbroken, by so many things - the challenge he had to face, his insistence on continuing and not returning to chiropractic, the change in our plans to settle down.  for a moment or many moments that is, i could not see any other way. to me, he was running into a wall, and i was losing hope on us, of making it, of having a future together. i was losing hope on him, not on him being a doctor but in being one with me in his life.  probably it was the distance that made me lose hope, the inability to console each other. fights and arguments followed. silence ensued. and that many days of silence made me think that i just have to have faith in adam to make it through, to take things as it comes and to leave our fate to Allah swt and hope for the best. for a few nights, i made istikharah prayer. i taught adam to recite the doa' for three nights in a row and told him to follow what he feel strongly for.  and he decided to continue on and would face and overcome the challenges as he goes along.  at the end of the day, he is going to achieve his dreams and will be a doctor. and all he wanted if i could, he said was to have faith in him and to wait for a little while more...
so now there he is, on his first day of rotation and i am so proud of him. he might not think that i do after all that protests, of wanting him to stop, of no longer wanting any heartbreaks for him and us, but i am really proud of him. we have a whole lot of challenges ahead of us. still many many months and time apart, and lesser contact now that he will be busy at the hospital. i mentioned to my best friend vanessa, and also to my niece fairuza, that this could either strengthen us or break us.  in my heart, i hope for nothing else but that it will strengthen us further. if adam could not see a wall, maybe it is about time i don't see a wall too...

whispers from a mother's heart

my thaqif in the middle, the sweet, gentle-looking middle child of mine turned 11 at approximately 1.01pm yesterday, december 6.  how time flies and how he has grown, though not that much in size, i must say. gentle looking yes, but can be really fierce and very sensitive, i wonder where he got that from. well, errrrk... truth is he inherited that from his mommy, ouch... why can't children just inherit the good part of you and leave all the bad ones behind? anyhow thaqif is a year away from being a teenager, if you consider 12 years old as the first teenage year that is... and i wonder when he grew up. in a few years he would leave the nest and that means leaving me behind, to pursue his own life and dreams and destiny. and as a parent, we have to know when to let go. i don't know if i am ready for that. i look at thoriq and he is so big now. i didnt even realise it until he got taller and bigger than me. he is being a typical teenager, doesn't talk so much, mumbles a whole lot, being extra sensitive, prefers his friends to his brothers... most definitely, and sometimes rather stay home than being out with the family. were we like that before? preferring our own space than being stuck with the family?  ok maybe i am overdramatising that a bit.  anyhow, he still allows me to kiss him goodbye each time he leaves the house. he still hugs me and that's really endearing, and i so treasure that.  as for my youngest baby, ruiz, he will turn 9 end of next january. oh my god, how they all grow... i always tell ruiz that he should stay small so that i can cuddle him forever. and just the other day, he turned to me at the dinner table and said "mommy, i want to stay here for the rest of my life. even when i am big and working, i want to stay here so that i can always be with u, and i can take care of u." i was pretty taken aback with surprise. never expected him to say that, my warm cuddly 8 year old baby who is tall for his age and so chubby in size, i struggle to even pull him up. and there he was saying that he wanted to take care of mommy in all sincerity. well, don't worry, i will not hold that against him though i can. record it and save it and play it over and over to him should he ever want to leave me one day. haha...that is so insane of me. so nope, i will not do that though the thought of it makes me go grinning like a cheshire cat.  and this morning as i was driving just with thaqif, i asked thaqif "can u be a baby again?" and in reply, he asked me "how do we do that?" i looked at him and said "we shall think of a way. maybe we get some machine that will take us back to the past." what wishful thinking. my children will grow up, whether i like it or not, no matter how much i want to hold on to them and will them to stay little, or to wish upon a falling star that they somehow can get small as a pea and crawl back into my tummy so that they will always be with me, carried around any place i go... they will grow up and go through the phase of being a teenager, a man, become a husband and a father insyaAllah... and i have to learn to let go and never hold them back. all i can do as a mother is pray that they grow up to be good human beings with a kind heart and soul, good muslims, good sons, be successful in their lives and never forget their family, strong faith in Allah swt, have happy families of their own and come back to visit mommy every once a while or as often as we both like... isn't that every mother's wish for their children?
and on this day like it was on thoriq's birthday a month ago, i have this to say for my three boys:

my dearest first born child thoriq born at 915am on november 3 is the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for a child.  my first child is my best foot forward and the one i crow about to the world.

my middle child is the babe i hold in my arms for an hour after he has gone to sleep, incase if i put him down in his crib, he might wake up changed and fly away. my "thaqif in the middle" turns 11 yesterday at exactly 1.01pm and since then, he has never ceases to take my breath away.

But the last one: the baby who trails his scent like a flag of surrender through my life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. i could hardly stop rocking him, drinking the light from his skin, breathing his exhaled dreams. my heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on his cheeks. he's the one i can't put down. the one who will soon outgrow me, my baby for now, my ruiz who will soon turn 9 this coming january 31, born at precisely 11.55pm, 5 minutes away from the dawn of a new day.

a mother's body remembers her babies--the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. each child has its own entreaties to body and soul. and i don't dare say i love any of them more than the other. they are all beautiful and special in their own way and i savour that beauty, and the difference and the special ways that they are... i thank Allah for the every day and minutes and seconds i have them, and i shall live and bask in their love for as long as i have them...

happy camper

did i say that i finally got the books "Mastering the Art of French Cooking", the legendary cookbooks that inspired the movie "Julie & Julia"?  well truth is, josephine got them for me more than a week ago. i am now a happy camper, hehe... but i have to say though that the recipes/ contents look pretty overwhelming. i have not had the time to go through the recipes properly yet, what more trying any out. hope to do so soon...and i shall update as i go along...

yeaaaay finally, the famous cookbook vol 1&2
by julia child & simone beck

cry just a little for me

if i had just one tear running down your cheek
maybe i could cope
maybe i'd get some sleep
if i had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery would be well spent
could you cry a little
lie just a little
pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me...

second chance

spend all your time waiting for that second chance
for the break that will make it ok
there's always some reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
they may be empty and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight...

to die for chilli cheese fries

ahhhhh... to die for...
i found this recipe and yummy looking pics by todd porter and diane cu, the white on rice couple (worc) this morning and it is a must try soon for me.  thoriq would love this dish... though i do not think it is a healthy dish to have all the time. the ironic thing is, the yummy-licious foods are always the ones that are also bad for the health - heart and cholestrol alike. no wonder you say, the food is to die for. anyhow, i am sure there is no harm in eating them once a while. everything has to be in moderation. especially food like this. i am posting the recipe and pics by the worc here as it is so much easier for me to access when i am in the mood to try the recipe out, instead of having to sort out through their busy blog...

cowboy bacon chilli cheese fries
image via worc, todd porter & diane cu


Spicy Bacon Cowboy Chili Recipe by Todd Porter and Diane Cu
"Two main factors influence the taste in the chili recipe: the BBQ sauce and the choice of chilies. We’ll usually use our homemade BBQ sauce, but use whichever you’re favorite it. For the spice factor, habaneros have a great spicy and flavor. There is a fruity roundness to compliment their Scoville factor which makes them one of our favorites to use, especially the Chocolate, Congo, or Red Sevilla Habaneros. Go with something more mild, like a jalapeno or thai chili, or even leave out the chilies all together if that is your preference. Just drop spicy from the name ! If you need a recipe for making fries to make chili fries, we suggest the Les Halles fries. They rock! Makes about 4 cups."


step 1

2 lbs Ground Beef, combination of top round and brisket is our favorite

6 strips (300g) Bacon, diced

1 lrg Sweet Onion, diced

4 cloves Garlic, crushed

1 -2 Habaneros, finely diced
1 c (237ml) BBQ Sauce
2 t (10g) Cayenne Pepper
2 t (10g) Chili Powder
2 t (10g) ground Cumin
2 T (30g) Paprika
2 T (30g) Brown Sugar
1 t (5g) fresh cracked Black Pepper
1/4 c (30g) Masa (corn flour), addition inspired by Pioneer Woman’s Chili Recipe
1 12 oz Beer

1. Heat a large sauce pan (preferably cast iron) over med-high heat. Add ground beef and bacon and cook until it is nearly cooked through and browned, stirring occasionally. Next add onion, garlic and habaneros and cook for another 2-3 minutes or until onions start to soften.

step 2

2. Add BBQ sauce, spices, brown sugar, fresh cracked pepper, masa and beer. Stir to combine, bring to a simmer, then lower heat to keep at a gentle simmer. Cook for 30 min – 1 hour, (flavors will develop more with the longer cooking time but isn’t a requirement) adding more beer or water if necessary to maintain a good “moistness” to the chili.

3. Serve the chili warm. Serving suggestions – Toppings- cheese, sour cream, diced green onions. As a base or alongside – tortilla chips, crusty bread, in a quesadilla, on fries, over a sausage dog or burger, as a pizza sauce, with pasta… The variations are endless!

all images via white on rice couple

seeking solace

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief

Qur'an 94:5-6

don't go far off, not even for a day...

don't go far off, not even for a day,
because... I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

don't leave me, even for an hour, because...
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.

don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
i'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
will you come back? will you leave me here, dying?

- Pablo Neruda -

the passing of my aunt... and the journey in death begins

my aunt, my father's youngest sister passed away just over a week ago, on Friday night, November 12.  she was the youngest in a family of 10, the only one that was still alive apart from my father. this is not taking into account another aunt who is the youngest, except that this aunt is their half sister.  anyhow, mak yam as we call her (her actual name is mariam) was already suffering from many ailments including diabetes, hypertension and the worse of all that made her suffer through her last days was her kidney problem.  she was close to my dad, called him a lot to talk to him whenever she felt that the going was getting too tough to handle. according to one of my brothers, everytime he took my dad to visit arwah mak yam, she would be telling him of how much pain she had to go through and then my dad would hold her, kiss her cheeks and her forehead, and she would be crying in his arms just like a little girl. it saddened me when my brother told me that. it was just the two of them left in the world, and my dad doted on her whenever he could and tried to make her feel better through all the pain she felt. and now, my dad is left alone. the only person left in a sibling of ten, the one who had to go through seeing the death of all his loved ones, the one who had to grief and mourn his sisters and brothers who passed before him, the one who is left to feel the loneliness, and to feel like an orphan who has no one else except for his own family.  it was sad to see my dad. at 83, he is so fragile now. my heartstrings were a mess when he knelt for the last time infront of her lifeless body, bend down and kissed her, on her cheeks and then on her forehead, just the way he did whenever he saw her before her passing, those times when she was that "litte girl" finding comfort in her brother's arms. i looked at him then and my tears fell freely, feeling so sad for him, knowing that no one can imagine the pain he must have felt to see his little sister lying cold infront of him. outside, while the womenfolk took care of the body, bathing her with care to prepare her for prayers and burial, i sat with my dad. he turned to me and said he didnt want to think so much. because if he did, he would cry. then he repeated what he said but halfway through, he broke down and cried, and sobbed. my father, my dearest dearest father, whom i love so much was going through all that pain of seeing the only one of his sibling, his little sister die and i could not do anything to take that pain away but just to console him by hugging him. i felt for him, for his pain and i know, he knew it was better for her to go for it was getting too painful for her to live. i thought about arwah mak yam then, that when i saw her last, she opened her eyes, not fully though, and i had then wondered if she was fully aware of herself and where she was. she then had these jerking movements and i remembered panicking slightly, wondering if she was in pain, and then remembering what i had read and heard about how when the angel of death come for you, and start to pull out your soul slowly from the top of your head, that you will be in pain. that u could be jerking slightly and maybe even continously due to the pain.  i wondered then if that was what was happening to her when everyone else exclaimed how maybe she was better because her heartbeat was getting better and she was breathing on her own, because earlier in the afternoon, she had crashed and they lost her for a few seconds, and the doctor had to resuscitate her and brought her back and hooked her to the machine to keep her breathing. so that evening when she opened her eyes and started moving while i was there, everyone was feeling a little relief and commenting on how she must be better. when i in a corner watching her, wondered if she was already so very close to death. or maybe others had wondered too, maybe they too just didnt say it out loud, or maybe it was to console themselves...
i was in a way relief to hear later that night, that mak yam had passed on, because i didnt want her to suffer and the fact that she was taken pretty quickly hopefully could only mean that she was one of those good souls. i pray that she is blessed by Allah swt and that her next journey will be an easy one. i thought about that journey and i wondered what happen to all of us in that journey for no one knows anything about it except from the sayings of the prophet saw and of course only Allah swt knows best.

The prophet (saw) said, "Live in this world as though you are a stranger or a traveler (passing through it)." [Muslim]
Death is inevitable. It is the one thing that we can be certain about in life. We are born to die. Every soul shall have a taste of death no matter who they are. This is confirmed for us many times in the Quran: "Every soul shall have a taste of death: and only on the Day of Judgement shall you be paid your full recompense." (Quran 3:185)
"Every soul shall have a taste of death: and We test you by evil and by good, by way of trial. To Us must you return." (21:35)
"Every soul shall have a taste of death: In the end to Us shall you be brought back." (29:57)

when we die, our journey of living ends and our journey of death begins:
No one knows where, how and when he or she will die. "Verily, the knowledge of the hour is with Allah (alone). It is He who sends down rain, and He who knows what is in the wombs, nor does anyone know what it is that he will earn on the morrow. Nor does anyone know in what land he is to die. Verily, with Allah is full knowledge and He is acquainted (with all things.)" (31:34)

the journey in death will  have to be continued later... now it is time for me to do my isya' as it is past ten.  for now, my prayers for my dearest arwah mak yam. may Allah bless u always and give u contentment and peace, and place you amongst the good souls in the afterlife. Al-Fatihah...

mad about bruschetta

tempting bruschetta
image via healthycheapfood.com

i have been thinking of bruschetta since last evening. not only have i been thinking, but i have also been yearning and craving for it.  i am in love with bruschetta. i can have that alone for dinner without anything else.  been thinking of making some this weekend if i am not away camping with my brother, the boys, the ex, nephew and his girlfriend, and my niece. 

do you know that you can actually make all sorts of bruschetta? that is how versatile it can be, not to mention delicious.  and some can be totally vegetarian and still taste good.  so that is a plus point for those wanting to eat healthily.  you can make bruschetta with just tomatoes; olives and tomatoes; charred carrots with goat cheese and parsley; and my favourites - mixed tomatoes with balsamic vinegar and dill; and also most definitely the unhealthier version - tomatoes and basil with slices of mozzarella at the top, oh yumm...just thinking about it makes me drool.

bruschetta topped with mozzarella
image via tesco.com

and just thinking about it is making me rethink my plans. i might just make bruschetta tomorrow for dinner instead of waiting until the weekend. i already have some fresh basil in the fridge, so all i need to get tomorrow are some tomatoes, a pack of mozzarella cheese and most definitely some baguette or at least ciabatta - perfect kind of breads for bruschetta.

i will most definitely try two ways of doing the bruschetta this time - 1. by having the sliced bread spread with a mix of crushed garlic that has been mixed with olive oil, and 2. by spreading the bread with some butter and grilling it in a pan ( i saw "Julie" doing it this way in "Julie and Julia" when she made some delicious looking bruschetta that were devoured by her husband with total enthusiasm).

as for the topping, i will keep to the simplest but yummiest -  mix the chopped tomatoes well with salt, pepper and chopped basil.  spread this over the bread. in the case of the oven grilled ones, spread the mix over once the slices of bread have been in the oven for 5 minutes at 200 C. finish off with a slice of mozzarella cheese. pop the bread back into the oven until the cheese has melted.  as for the pan grilled bread, just spread the tomato mix on the bread and enjoy... or as Julia would say: Bon apetit!  ok, i am getting out of hand with this Julie and Julia bit, i know...

some quick info on bruschetta: it is a hearty appetizer from central Italy whose origin dates to at least the 15th century. it consists of grilled bread rubbed with garlic and topped with extra-virgin olive oil, salt and pepper. variations may include toppings of spicy red pepper, tomato, vegetables, beans, cured meat, and/or cheese; the most popular recipe outside of Italy involves basil, fresh tomato, garlic and onion or mozzarella. bruschetta is usually served as a snack or appetizer. and in my case, it is served as the main course...  

have faith in Allah

To God belongs all that is in the heavens and on earth.  Whatever you show what is in your minds or conceal it, God calls you to account for it.  He forgives whom He pleases, and punishes whom He pleases, for God has power over all things.  The Messenger believes in what has been revealed to him from his Lord, as do the men of faith.  Each one of them believes in God, His angels, His books, and His messengers.  "We make no distinction (they say) between one and another of His messengers."  And they say:  "We hear, and we obey: (we seek) Your forgiveness, our Lord, and to You is the end of all journeys." 

image via
VisualizeUs

On no soul does God place a burden greater than it can bear.  It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns.  (Pray:)   "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error.  Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear.  Blot our sins, and grant us forgiveness.  Have mercy on us.  You are our Protector; help us against those who stand against Faith."  - Surah 2-Al-Baqarah

baked ziti to the rescue



baked ziti
 image via faithfulprovision

yesterday, i was totally stressed... i decided then to bake some baked ziti for the boys eventhough it is a working day, as i usually cook for them on weekends.  came home at 6pm and after telling the maid to mince the onion and doing my asar prayer, quickly threw the apron over and got on with the cooking.  browned the minced meat and while doing so, boiled water for my pasta. had some leftover boiled penne in the freezer and by then, it had thawed nicely.  made a mistake when i went shopping over the weekend and instead of penne, got myself a packet of rigatoni instead but it worked the same when mixed rogether.  by 6.35pm, the tomato and meat sauce was done and the frozen penne were already mixed with the three quarter cooked rigatoni in the pot.  drained the pasta, mixed with the sauce and dumped into the baking pan.  found i had only a small portion of sauce left and was doing double thoughts of whether i should make a bit more sauce because i love pouring at least a rich layer of it over the pasta that has been mixed with sauce. and there i was with a not so complete layer of sauce staring at me. since it was already 6.45pm, i decided not to.  the two younger ones have to be off for kumon by 7.45pm the latest, and i didnt have much time to spare.  sprinkled a large amount of mozzarella cheese all over and remembered advice from"the fiance" (it was him who got me into baking this dish), that the cheese has to cover all the area until you no longer see the red of the sauce peeking out at you.  i would usually sprinkle a 125g packet of parmesan but i didnt have that this time. and despite the 500g packet of mozzarella cheese covering the red sauce and pasta, i decided to improvise and seeked out my cheddar cheese.  half cube left and there i was grating it all over, looking behind my shoulder and saw the time was 5 minutes before 7pm.  was pretty proud of myself for being able to pull off having everything done before 7pm. got it into the oven, covered with foil and all.  15 minutes and it was done but the cheese was not browned. the boys and i love it when the cheese gets browned in places. looks really fantabulous and yummylicious.  anyway took off the foil with cheese stringing on it (the foil was passed on to thoriq for "cleaning up" if you get what i mean).  and back into the oven for another 10 minutes and got down to preparing my salad.  at 7.30pm, my baked ziti was nicely on the table and eventhough it was not settled yet (you are supposed to let it cool for it to settle so that it stays put when you cut it), i cut it anyway for thaqif and ruiz.  not much time to spare.  despite the lesser amount of sauce and cheese (to my liking that is), they wanted second helpings and by the time i got them out of the house for kumon, we were running late at 7.50pm. 

my yummy and healthy-licious salad

it could only mean one thing... apart from my baking being well appreciated by my boys, making baked ziti got me away from thinking about my problems and challenges of the day even if it was for that short moment.  i needed that. the stress was threatening to take over my sanity and it was a good break to bake, watch my boys enjoy the food, and be thankful to God for what i have.

anyhow a quick note...  this is a good meal, something you can throw together fast enough when you are in a hurry. you dont need many ingredients, just minced meat, onion, canned tomato sauce (or when in a hurry or lazy, prego sauce would do), pasta and a whole lot of cheese.  combine it with a good mixed salad, sprinkle some feta cheese over, and voila... a great quick meal.

oh... and it takes the stress away.  worth it, even for a short while.

bon apetit! - wild about julie and julia

never have i been more inspired to cook and write about it... not since Julie and Julia...yup, it is a movie i saw yesterday when the boys were out and i had some quiet time to myself.  been meaning to watch that movie for ages, ever since it was showing in the cinemas but missed it, got a dvd from the ex like a month or two back and finally watched it yesterday.  and i totally and utterly enjoyed the movie.

a summary before u lost me - Julie and Julia is based on two true stories and is actually culled from two different books. one tells the story of Julia Child who made a transition from a bored wife of Paul, a diplomat stationed in France, to a student at the famed Le Cordon Blue school (when she wanted to cook french cuisine but could not find any french cook books in english) to a cooking teacher and ultimately cookbook author and star of her own tv show.  the second book is written by Julie Powell, a New Yorker who back in 2002 held a boring cubicle dwelling job with a government agency, and decided soon after moving to Queens with her husband to do something different in her life by cooking all 500 plus recipes in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" over the course of 365 days.  having a history of not completing things, she was encouraged by her very understanding and level-headed husband to blog about it.  and thus the start of julie's daily adventures in the kitchen, which included trying repeatedly to poach eggs (i must try that and see if i can get it right), killing lobsters that sent her running out of her kitchen for safety, having meltdowns and practically crying in the kitchen (i get those kind of meltdowns as well when i am trying something new and it turned out to be such a challenge... but so far i have yet to burst into tears.  just got as far as wanted to throw everything i was doing and give the hell up).  despite all the meltdowns and one big argument with her husband (where he then walked out on her, but came home not long after... have to say that incase it gets a little too depressing there), she found a strength of spirit she didn't know existed until she followed Julia's lead.

oh by the way as i am writing this, a colleague of mine is right now at Borders, The Curve trying to get me the books "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" volume 1 and 2, yippeeeeeee....  it seems they found volume 2 but is now trying to find volume 1.  i cannot buy only one volume, it is a horrid thought to actually purchase something incomplete. you must now think i have a certain obsession or something. i do actually, at this point let's call it "julie and julia" obsession?  or is it "i have to get the MAFC books" obsession?  or "i have to try out Julia Child's souffle recipe" obsession? 

enough of that.  shall we continue on with Julie and Julia?  Julia is played with so much gusto by the ever amazing Meryl Streep who made me laugh with all her antics and her easygoing nature in the kitchen.  Stanley Tucci played her doting husband and i cant help but envy her, she loves to eat and cook, and she too adores her husband very much.  Amy Adams (who shot to fame in "Enchanted") is lovely as Julie, who struggled to find herself in a world where some of her friends are successful and pretty cold hearted, and could not care less about how she was doing.  and Chris Messina played Eric, her husband who was loving and funny, and always so supportive of her. 

i fell in love with the movie not just because of the food but also the charming and strong female characters and their lovable men... they (the characters i mean) give me hope that there is always true love out there.  i have to admit though that watching it inspired me to try all sorts of dishes and never give up even if i fail the first time, or two... or three? erkkkk... ok, stop there. anyway what i wanted to say is watching it definitely made me want to run into the kitchen and cook beef borgougne.  and the fact that Julia Child knew what to do with a flipped over and out of the pan omellette or was that something else... putting it back together again and serving it anyway, with flair and without apology is the best thing of all. 

i just got a text message to inform me that Borders has only the volume 2 and they could not find volume 1.  i have asked for it to be put on hold until they find the first volume. i am determined to get the books soon and i intend to try out the recipes.  let's see what happens next.  in the meantime as Julia would say... and what she always said... Bon appetit!

my two cents worth on House Rules

i have just finished reading the latest novel by jodi picoult - House Rules.  started reading it a few weeks back and have been dying to read it until the end, except didnt have much time to do so until this weekend, and i finally finished it, yeaayyy...

House Rules is a lovely book. i generally like jodi picoult's way of writing but there are books of hers which i did not find interesting such as "Mercy" - could not take the unfaithful bit of the husband and the undying love she had for him even when he had cheated on her.  Anyway "Mercy" and all other novels aside, House Rules deals with a teenage boy with Asperger's syndrome, Jacob Hunt who is accused of murder. There were other characters such as his mom, Emma; his normal younger brother who had to bear it all, Theo; the young fresh lawyer that later got romantically involved with Emma, named Oliver; the father who walked out on the family when Jacob was three, Henry (though he only came into the scene much later in the book), and the detective, Rich.

i learnt quite a bit about Asperger's syndrome from this novel - like many kids with AS, Jacob is hopeless at reading social cues or expressing himself well to others. he takes everything said literally. like if you say "wait here a minute", he will count up to 60 and then wonder why you are not back yet.  he desperately wants to fit in but simply can't understand  social behaviour that is intuitive to the rest of us.  he won't be able to interpret a nonverbal cue, such as a yawn signifying boredom when he is hogging the conversation.  but someone with Asperger's can have a genius-level IQ and can hold a conversation better with an adult rather than his peers.

i enjoyed the book and would recommend it. however having said that, if this book is meant to be a murder mystery, that would be a bit of a letdown since i actually figured it out even before Jacob was arrested.  the other disappointment is how the book ends after you find out how things really happened, but no indication or elaboration into how this changes things for any of the characters.

regardless, the struggle of the single mom depicted in this book gave me a new kind of respect for mothers having to deal with their special kids.  they must be supermoms to be able to get through their days.  many times the book tugs at my heartstrings being a mom myself and my heart also went out to Jacob for not being able to be in touch with his own emotions and for being an outcast.  the novel is well written and House Rules is definitely worth the read...

my flavour of the month...or has that been a few months already?

been baking a lot of late and this is the flavour of the month, haha to be honest, it has been the flavour of the month since before eid - my chocolate brownies with orange cream cheese frosting, so that means it has reigned as the flavour of the month three or four months in a row already ever since i discovered and actually tried baking it.


it is really chocolatey, because i mix semi sweet chocolate with bitter sweet ones when i bake it, and when it is topped with the cream cheese that has got all the orange zest in it, my my, it is pure heaven...

chocolate brownies
with orange cream cheese frosting

there is a way to eating it as well... you have to cut them into small pieces in order to taste and appreciate it. you cannot eat a big piece at one go because then the chocolate and sweetness would overwhelm you too much that you may not be able to appreciate it fully. following me yet? or getting confused?


friends and family alike thought i was being a bit too stingy when cutting up the brownies but i explained that that is how they need to eat this brownies of mine and after taking a bite of it, they fully understood what i meant. and never has pieces of brownies dissappeared in matters of minutes before this.

choc cheese

i have also been receiving quite a number of orders for my brownies with the topping, apart from my chocolate cheese brownies and my usual walnut brownies. i have been baking the chocolate cheese ones quite a fair bit as this particular one has its own following. the boys don't quite favour this.  they like it but then again, they can do with the other brownies more than this.  most adults i know love this as it has cream cheese swirled in the chocolate and it is pretty sinful i must add.

my walnut brownies remains an all-time favourite as it goes well with vanilla ice-cream, and those who love nuts are all nutty about it for the walnuts it contains. the chopped chocolates that i mix in is what makes it sinful though and it is even more sinful when the chocolate chunks oozes as you bite into it.  must remind self to get a picture of my walnut brownies one of these days.

anyway, for now at least, the heavenly sinful chocolatey brownies of mine, the one with that zesty orange cream cheese frosting remain my flavour of the month. the boys have been nagging me to bake it and not have any frosting on top. i keep telling them it is the combination of the brownies and topping that makes it a brownie to die for but... i also promised them i will bake one really soon and exclude the topping. anything to keep my boys happy... for now i am content on keeping this as my flavour of the month, despite the fact that it has been for a number of months already. until something else come along... and knock it off the top spot.

pure heaven...

no taj mahal, but it is built out of love...

the gazebo that adam built...with love

the Mughal emperor, Shah Jahan may have had the Taj Mahal built as a symbol of love for his wife, but he had twenty thousand people deployed to build it. and of course, all the work and that many people resulted in a majestic and beautiful building which happens to be India's most famous architectural wonder.

this is the gazebo that adam is building and it is almost ready after months working on it with his two brothers-in-law. he has been spending so many weekends over this gazebo that it sort of irked me because it resulted in very little time with me over the weekends. and weekends are always the highlight of our relationship as we have more time than other days to spend together, over the internet obviously poor us, as time and having to wake up early the next day for work are not a factor.

despite being a baby over the fact that i am losing him to the hours spent on the gazebo, i know that he is taking his time to ensure that the gazebo is built to perfection, as much as he can help it.  he told me he is putting all his energy there because of love. and he told me that that is where he wants to hold our wedding, where we will  exchange wedding vows.  the gazebo is being built slowly but surely, out of love. it may not be a Taj Mahal, but i find the gazebo turning out beautifully.

the Taj Mahal may be an architectural wonder and this may not. but the thing is u see, Shah Jahan didn't build the Taj Mahal with his own hands, and i doubt he had any part in physically building it, except perhaps to give instructions and ideas on the design.  this gazebo meanwhile, is built by the hands of a man that loves his woman... no biggie perhaps i can hear you say; after all, it is just a gazebo *eyes rolling up*.  but who would be able to say the same thing as i do?  who would be able to say that she gets a gazebo built by the man who loves her to have it perfectly done for their wedding?  u see... i do... and eventhough it is just a gazebo, it sure as hell means a whole lot to me.

p/s adam, thanks so much love...

the innocence of a child

last night, i was in the bathroom, hanging up my towel. the bathroom door was slightly ajar. ruiz and thaqif were in the room, climbing up the bed from one end and jumping off, running back and forth...(that reminds me, my matress no matter how thick would just give up someday). anyhow as i was hanging my towel, i overheard ruiz telling his brother "thaqif, slow down la. u know i'm fat."  i could not help but laughed to myself. it was so funny but it was also so cute and adorable, and i found myself saying quietly albeit a smile, "my poor baby". the innocence that emanated from him, an 8 year old who couldn't care less about saying he is fat even when what he is actually is just chubby, roly poly with a lil' boy's chubbiness that will fade off him in time as he grows up. he thinks he is fat but it does not come in the way of his own confidence and that is something every adult can learn from. i am sure his chubbiness will someday go off, and eventhough i would want that for him; because of health reasons and the fact that other people can be so cruel to those who are not super slim in this world, i will miss that chubbiness and all the "gomol" i can do to him now. then again, by that time, he will be older and chubby or not, he so definitely won't want me to kiss and hug him all over anymore. so there...

when God created mothers

i know i have not been updating regularly but i have been so busy with work and the boys' exams.  doesn't help that my thaqif in the middle has exam for almost two weeks in a row.  ruiz got his freedom first, over a week before his two older brothers, lucky him. thaqif finally finished his exam week yesterday while today is the last day of exam for thoriq. FREEDOM... haha for the boys and mommy. but wait till the results are out. mommy seems to be having more jitters than the boys, as if i was the one who sat for the exam, darn...next week, the results will start coming in and i will deal with that then, yikes, hope it's all good, insyaAllah. for now i would like to share this wonderful note i stumbled upon.  i actually found it last week and took the liberty to quickly post it up on my FB but didn't quite find the time to post it here.  here it is, finally, a tribute to all moms...


"When God Created Mothers"
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there."


excerpt from Erma Bombeck "When God Created Mothers"