Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

the significant events on 10 Muharram

Today 10 Muharram is the day of Ashura when many significant events happened on this date.

Amongst them:

• The skies, oceans, heavens and earth came into existence
• Prophet Adam and Hawa were created
• Prophet Adam's taubat accepted by Allah swt
• Prophet Isa (Jesus) raised to the skies
• Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) received the status of Khaleelullah
• Prophet Yacob (Jacob) met Prophet Yusuf (Joseph) after 40 years
• Prophet Noh's (Noah) ark came on land
• Prophet Sulaiman (Solomon) received his kingdom
• Prophet Ayub regained his health
• Prophet Musa (Moses) rescued his people and Allah swt drowned the Pharaoh at Red Sea
• Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) grandson, Hussein bin Ali (ra) was martyred in Karbala

 And it is said that Qiamat will also happen on the 10th of Muharram.

Abu Qataada (ra) has related that the Prophet (pbuh) has reported to have said, "It is my thought that by fasting on the 10th of Muharram Allah Ta'aalaa will pardon the sins of the past year." (Tirmizi). Shaykhain Tirmizi & Haakim has narrated from Anas (ra) the following verse: "Allah may forgive thee of thy sins that which is past and that which is to come." (Al-Fath)

The Jews are said to fast on the 10th Muharram due to Prophet Musa's victory over the Pharaoh, therefore our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) asked the Muslims to fast on this day, and a day extra either before or after, to differentiate the Muslims from the Jews.  

the hadith of intercession

Narrated Ma'bad bin Hilal Al'Anzi:
We, i.e. some people from Basra, gathered and went to Anas bin Malik, and we went in company with Thabit Al-Bunnani so that he might ask him about the Hadith of Intercession on our behalf. Behold, Anas was in his palace, and our arrival coincided with his Duha prayer. We asked permission to enter and he admitted us while he was sitting on his bed. We said to Thabit, "Do not ask him about anything else first but the Hadith of Intercession." He said, "O Abu Hamza! There are your brethren from Basra coming to ask you about the Hadith of Intercession." Anas then said, "Muhammad talked to us saying...

'On the Day of Resurrection the people will surge with each other like waves, and then they will come to Adam and say, 'Please intercede for us with your Lord.' He will say, 'I am not fit for that but you'd better go to Abraham as he is the Khalil of the Beneficent.' They will go to Abraham and he will say, 'I am not fit for that, but you'd better go to Moses as he is the one to whom Allah spoke directly.' So they will go to Moses and he will say, 'I am not fit for that, but you'd better go to Jesus as he is a soul created by Allah and His Word.' (Be: And it was) they will go to Jesus and he will say, 'I am not fit for that, but you'd better go to Muhammad.'

They would come to me and I would say, 'I am for that.' Then I will ask for my Lord's permission, and it will be given, and then He will inspire me to praise Him with such praises as I do not know now. So I will praise Him with those praises and will fall down, prostrate before Him. Then it will be said, 'O Muhammad, raise your head and speak, for you will be listened to; and ask, for your will be granted (your request); and intercede, for your intercession will be accepted.' I will say, 'O Lord, my followers! My followers!' And then it will be said, 'Go and take out of Hell (Fire) all those who have faith in their hearts, equal to the weight of a barley grain.' I will go and do so and return to praise Him with the same praises, and fall down (prostrate) before Him. Then it will be said, 'O Muhammad, raise your head and speak, for you will be listened to, and ask, for you will be granted (your request); and intercede, for your intercession will be accepted.' I will say, 'O Lord, my followers! My followers!' It will be said, 'Go and take out of it all those who have faith in their hearts equal to the weight of a small ant or a mustard seed.' I will go and do so and return to praise Him with the same praises, and fall down in prostration before Him. It will be said, 'O, Muhammad, raise your head and speak, for you will be listened to, and ask, for you will be granted (your request); and intercede, for your intercession will be accepted.' I will say, 'O Lord, my followers!' Then He will say, 'Go and take out (all those) in whose hearts there is faith even to the lightest, lightest mustard seed. (Take them) out of the Fire.' I will go and do so."' When we left Anas, I said to some of my companions, "Let's pass by Al-Hasan who is hiding himself in the house of Abi Khalifa and request him to tell us what Anas bin Malik has told us." So we went to him and we greeted him and he admitted us. We said to him, "O Abu Said! We came to you from your brother Anas Bin Malik and he related to us a Hadith about the intercession the like of which I have never heard." He said, "What is that?" Then we told him of the Hadith and said, "He stopped at this point (of the Hadith)." He said, "What then?" We said, "He did not add anything to that." He said, Anas related the Hadith to me twenty years ago when he was a young fellow. I don't know whether he forgot or if he did not like to let you depend on what he might have said." We said, "O Abu Said ! Let us know that." He smiled and said, "Man was created hasty. I did not mention that, but that I wanted to inform you of it.

Anas told me the same as he told you and said that the Prophet added, 'I then return for a fourth time and praise Him similarly and prostrate before Him me the same as he 'O Muhammad, raise your head and speak, for you will be listened to; and ask, for you will be granted (your request): and intercede, for your intercession will be accepted .' I will say, 'O Lord, allow me to intercede for whoever said, 'None has the right to be worshiped except Allah.' Then Allah will say, 'By my Power, and my Majesty, and by My Supremacy, and by My Greatness, I will take out of Hell (Fire) whoever said: 'None has the right to be worshipped except Allah.' ''



Volume 9, Book 93, Number 601
Sahih Bukhari