Ramblings of a sinner

Alhamdulillah I am done with my defence. Yes, it was actually sorted out and now I am making the necessary amendments and preparing for data collection which makes up chapter 4 of all my six chapters, and still hoping to push for a completion of my research before or by year end. Life is with its usual ups and downs, I am constantly struggling over not seeing Adam for what is already over a year, and the fact that his schedule is so busy we can hardly put a time to actually settling down. He is leaving for Lousiana in a week's time to do his final rotation in Psychology, and this time it is for 6 weeks in which time, he will also prepare for his finals, the most important exam in his journey to become a medical doctor. He will be taking his exams closer to home in New York or New Jersey and then completing another eleven to twelve weeks of electives before he is done for good insyaAllah. But then again, that is before he starts his residency and you do not even want me to start with all the things he has to go through to get there - interviews, applications, matching, headaches. As for our life together, I honestly do not know what is in store for us. One day we are fine and another we are not, struggling over our busy schedule, being thousand of miles away from each other and now this additional challenge of not seeing each other for the longest time. I am leaving it to Allah to determine the future for us, and if we are meant to be together, we would insyaAllah settle down at the end of this year, and if it is not, then Allah knows what's best. As for any heartache that ensues, I will deal with that if it so happens. Right now, I am hoping and working for the best with Allah's blessings and trying to take things a step at a time, hoping for the best possible ending to my relationship with Adam.

separated by seas, thousands of miles away
being dramatic with this pic

It does not help to think of leaving and ending our relationship when he is a good man and the boys love him to the extent that they are already calling him daddy. At times I wonder what this is all about, meeting someone who lives too far away and trying to make it work but facing so many challenges, that there are moments when you hardly can see the light at the end of what seems like a long and never ending tunnel. Sometimes, I wonder if this is a sign that it will not work between us, and we should just go separate ways. But then again, I have prayed many times to Allah looking for signs from Him and each time, going back to Adam time and time again. And as I am a sinner and always stumbling in my journey to become a better Muslim, I can't say for sure I trust what I think are signs from Him for who am I to have that privilege of receiving signs from the Almighty when I am not even worthy of Him.

Speaking of heartache and being worthy of the Almighty, I read the other day about one of the attributes of Allah swt which is Al-Jabbar, a name that indicates Majesty and Strength. It is said that "the root of Al-Jabbar is ja-ba-ra and it has a wide variety of meanings indicating Allah's strength and majesty. One of the basic meanings of this name is the One who compels and restores, and demonstrates Allah's Majesty and Strength over His servants. This is a name for the tyrants and oppressors to be aware of , because their misdeeds will not go unpunished."  And this name has another dimension: "al-Jabbar is the One who is able to restore and mend what is broken."  It seems some of the great scholars when faced with great difficulties would supplicate "Ya Jabbir kul kaseer" which means "Oh You who mend everything that is broken." In the article I read, we are told to go to Allah when we feel broken, for He is the only One who can mend our state. And that we should not let satan stop us by making us feel hypocritical by only going to Allah when we are down. It says "Allah has named Himself al-Jabbar and given Himself this attribute, you cannot go to the One whose attribute is mending what is broken, and not be healed by Him." If we are to remind ourselves always of this blessed name al-Jabbar, Allah will mend our broken heart whether through a kind word from someone or through something else that happens along the way. "Call on Allah like the Prophet (pbuh) did , recognizing this attribute, and know that He will manifest this Name in our lives."

It does sometimes or a lot of times feel that way for me that is - like I am being a hypocrite going to Allah in times of trouble, doing lesser of dhikr when I am too busy (when it is all about finding and making time to be with Him), doing lesser of what is already little in my journey to Him, rushing through my solat, repeating life as a sinner and having the constant tug of war between doing good and evil (not that evil-lish, just that constant small sins that can amount to a whole lot. I get this picture in my head of the Angel on my left side furiously writing in my book of sins, and my left shoulder drooping downwards, oh dear).  It feels like who am I to ask Him for help in times of trouble, in times when I feel broken? Like what have I done to deserve His help? Am I not such a hypocrite for constantly failing to live up to my promises of being a better servant to Him? And here I am, having the cheek to ask Him to help me? Pleading with Him to give me relief when I cannot even be constant in pleasing Him? I am like knocking my head even before He does, and going "Helloooooooooooooo" at myself for thinking I deserve any help from Him in the first place. Most of all, it is always the shame that comes with it. Funny how you forget those shame, you repeat all the things that you should not be doing in the first place and then you find yourself in that awful shameful moment of knocking at His door again and again, and wondering should I even knock, maybe I should go and bury myself from all this shame I have, for I do not deserve His kindness. Then of course I remember (albeit the shame that's stuck with me) what Allah swt tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of Prophet Muhammad saw):

"O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you." (At -Tarmidhi)

SubhanAllah, Glory be to Allah. That is how there is no limit to Allah's forgiveness, eventhough our mistakes are numerous. This reminds me of what was written by the great sufi poet and philosopher, Jalaluddin Rumi about returning to Allah each time we sin and despite our shame, and what is also taught in sufism, which I believe I have once written here on my blog:

Come, come, whoever you are 

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving, it doesn't matter

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again, come.

Come again even if you have broken your vow a hundred times. Such forgiveness from Allah, such Mercy. And here I am constantly struggling, and not deserving any of His Mercy, yet still asking. What does that make me?

I am late. It is past 2pm and I have yet to meet the Beloved and offer Him my Zohor (Zuhr, Dhuhr) prayer. Until later...

throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...