journey

"in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity" 

my journey of difficulty has started, and all this in seeking that opportunity for a better future. i am referring to my journey in completing my master's.  finally started in may, and i would be lying if i say i am not nervous or anxious, having left studies a long, long time ago.  this is a new ballgame totally for me. studies this time is uncomparable to studying for my first degree where you go for classes, sit for exams and complete assignments. i have this time unlike many people, opted to do my master's in research mode. not many people like that, choosing instead to go for coursework, a simpler, much more relaxing mode of attending classes and doing all other tasks similar to when they were back doing their first degree. in this short two months i started, i realised what a challenge master's by research is. the strong discipline you need in getting your work going, the mess you can be in when you cannot find any literature that you need, the confusion you get into which is often, trust me, the pressure to start and producing work and i mean valid work that will show you are progressing.  after my first weekend of research skills seminar last weekend, i realised that this is a good learning process for me if i ever intend to pursue my PhD, as they are similar in the way things are done. they both need to be in research mode, a lot of researching and writing, a pressuring need to ensure you have exhausted all avenues when it comes to literature and past studies in order to be able to make a claim in your own study. i met a number of PhD students that two days, infact most of the students who attended the seminar were made up of PhD students and i was actually relieved that they too including the rest of the master students were more or less in a confused mode.  many are getting ready for their defend of proposal stage and i myself am targeting to have it done by august, insyaAllah.  but before i can even come to that, i have so much to do and read and write.  and since my area of research is so current - social media and malaysian politics, i am so worked up in ensuring i am updated about the current happenings in our political scene.  i have drawn up a very tight schedule for my research work and i realised i come off looking too ambitious which i mentioned to my supervisor the other day.  but he has been really supportive in saying that it is doable and achievable and that by all means, if i am able, to stick to what i have drawn up. i am pressured to meet my deadlines, i am stressed to a point, my work is at the top of my head most times, infact i woke up one morning panicking on lagging behind and feeling totally lost.  it is of no assurance that my supervisor and the other professors at the seminar stressing that we will go through many episodes of that from time to time. i am also looking out for my relationship with Allah, finding the medicine to my soul, realising fully well that He is totally all i need for seeing the light ahead of what is now a pretty dim tunnel.  but insyaAllah i have faith, and i must see myself through this, and i believe that what is a dim tunnel now will be brighter soon. i remember one of the professors at the seminar saying that master's by research or PhD is a selfish journey, a journey of me, myself and i, a journey that's likened to a bed of roses - smells and looks good but painful when u lie on the bed. but for us to persevere and the journey will be better eventually.

as for adam, Alhamdulillah he is doing well in his rotation. he has completed two of his cores - OBGYN and surgical, and is now on his third which is family practice with another 3 weeks to go i think.  he is up for 12 weeks of  internal medicine right after. he would have two more cores to complete - pediatric and psychology and in between he would probably sit for the first part of his exam.  he has been getting As in his papers, and i am really proud of him.  but the problem that is plaguing him constantly is financial which i wish i can help out with but unable to unfortunately.  aside from that, he met many muslim friends of various racial background when he was doing surgical. he ended up being closest to one whom i had pinned much hope on teaching adam with matters relating to practising Islam such as solat and reading and memorising the important surahs.  he had infact initially sent adam some materials on Islam and they spent some time on and off discussing Islam. unfortunately they are both doing different rotations now and there isn't much contact of late.  can't say that i am not disappointed but i am praying that their path will meet again soon or Allah will bring someone else who can help in guiding adam in being a better muslim.

funny but not in the laugh out loud sense that adam and i are both studying with the hope that the end result of this journey, with all the stress, distance, pain and heartache, will give us a good life together. we have lesser time with each other these days but so far, we have been staying pretty solid i would say, on matters pertaining to the future that we want together.  i know what i want right now but i am also very much aware that i can only plan things.  that what would actually happen ahead will all be in God's hands, and in Him, i place all my faith, doa and hope for the best.  

dance, even if u have nowhere to do it

"Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."


— Kurt Vonnegut

what should i do?

Wahb bin Munabbih (RH) said:

A scholar once asked another greater than him in knowledge, “How much should I build?” He replied, “As much as shelters you from the sun and the rain.”
He asked, “How much food should I eat?” He replied, “More than what keeps you hungry and less than what makes you full.”
He asked, “How much should I wear?” He replied, “As the Messiah (Jesus) did.”
He asked, “How much should I laugh?” He replied, “As much as appears on your face but does not make audible your voice.”
He asked, “How much should I cry?” He replied, “Never tire from crying out of the fear of Allâh.”
He asked, “How much should I hide my deeds?” He replied, “Until people think you had not done a good deed.”
He asked, “How much should I make public my deeds?” He replied, “As much as will let the keen follow your example but not have the people talk about you.”

Wahb said. “Everything has two ends and a middle. If you grab one end, the other will slant, but if you take the middle, both ends will balance. Stick to the balanced middle in all affairs.”

Related by Abu Nu’aym.