So, kiss me...

I caught the happy virus last night

when i was out singing beneath the stars. 

It is remarkably contagious

so, kiss me.

- Hafiz -

The Subject Tonight is Love

Rapuh, nota cinta buat Allah II

detik waktu terus berjalan

berhias gelap dan terang

suka dan duka, tangis dan tawa

tergores bagai lukisan.

seribu mimpi berjuta sepi

hadir bagai teman sejati

diantara lelahnya jiwa 
dalam resah dan air mata

kupersembahkan kepada Mu

yang terindah dalam hidupku.

meski ku rapuh dalam langkah

kadang tak setia kepadaMu

namun cinta dalam jiwa

hanyalah padaMu.

maafkanlah bila hati

tak sempurna mencintaiMu

dalam dada ku harap hanya

diriMu yang bertakhta...

detik waktu terus berlalu

semua berakhir padaMu.

-opick-

when love hurts

sometimes it lasts in love
but sometimes it hurts instead...

the road to Jannah

The road to Jannah is not straight. There's a curve called Dunya, a loop called Money, speed bumps called pleasure and temptations, red lights called Enemies & Satan. But on the positive side, if you have a spare called Salah, an engine called La illaha Illallah, an insurance called Imaan, a driver called Muhammad (peace be upon him) InsyaAllah you'll make it to a place called Jannah.

cupcakes to chase the blues away

been over a year since i last met adam, on a cold winter morning last january. my butt was freezing but my heart was warm. it has been a year and i never knew i could go on this long...

time can be kind when you're counting the weeks and years pass together, but swift-handed and cruel when you're watching the days float away since you last saw each other.

i took that picture last year while i was visiting adam during one of the rare occassions when he actually had the time to go for walks with me. it was silly to be walking out in the cold, but we did not have much time together and every hour we got to spend together was magical and meaningful, and the cold was something we could bear, before of course having him laugh at seeing me freezing and before running into one of the nearby stores for some warmth. i miss those times with him. today somehow the pain at missing him feels an awful lot more, gets unbearable at times, that i wish i can turn the days, the hours, the minutes... just so that i can have that one day to spend with him.

well maybe it is a good day to take myself off from my research work which i have been struggling to concentrate on and retreat into the kitchen to find some sanctuary there. maybe it is the day to try and make some good nutella cupcakes that i have been meaning to try out for some time. maybe it will add some life into this heart of mine and give me happiness to have my boys enjoy some little sweetness i can give, and maybe it will be able to tuck away the sadness and loneliness in the far corner of my heart.


cupcakes with magical nutella buttercream frosting

choc cupcakes ( u can use any cupcake recipe u find good, choc or vanilla) 
makes 15-16

1/2 cup butter, room temp
1 1/4 cup sugar
2 large eggs, room temp
3/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cups milk
1 tsp vanilla

preheat the oven to 350F / 177C

in a mixing bowl, beat with butter until softened and smooth. add sugar and beat for a few minutes, until light and fluffy. add eggs one at a time, beating after each until well combined.

in a small bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cocoa powder. in a separate small bowl, combine milk and vanilla.

add about 1/3 of dry ingredients to butter and sugar and mix until well combined. add about 1/2 of wet ingredients to mixture and mix until combined. continue alternating dry and wet and mix until combined. continue alternating dry and wet, mixing in between, and finish with remaining dry ingredients.

fill cupcake tins/ cups about 1/2 full (do not overfill). bake around 20-25 minutes.

** if u want just nutella butter cream swirled on top of your cupcake, try this:
nutella buttercream

1/2 cup butter, room temp
1 cup nutella
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1-2 tbsp milk

beat butter until smooth. add nutella and beat together until throughly combined. slowly add powdered sugar, mixing until combined. add 1 tbsp of milk. add additional milk or powdered sugar as needed to reach desired consistency.

**if u prefer what i prefer, some nutella in the cupcake and some frosting on top, here's
the magical nutella buttercream frosting
enough for 24 cupcakes

2 sticks (227gms) unsalted butter, softened
1 13oz jar of nutella
pinch of fine grain sea salt (or fine salt)
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 pounds (3-4 cups) confectioners/ powdered sugar, sifted
6-8 tbsps heavy cream/ milk

in a large mixing bowl, cream butter  and nutella until well combined. slowly add in confectioners sugarand continue creaming until well blended.

add salt, vanilla, and 3 tbsps of heavy cream or milk. blend on low speed until moistened. add an additional of 3-5 tbsps of heavy cream or milk until reach desired consistency. beat at high speed until frosting is smooth and fluffy.

the magical part: hollow out small center of cupcake, pipe in nutella ( i use my watermelon scoop). top with buttercream and a piece of chocolate hazelnut candybar (if u can find any or replace it with hazelnut mini wafer bar).


let's eat some cupcakes to chase the blues away...

no matter what...

Allah's precious gift

This is an overdue post on this blog - i posted this birthday tribute to my darling Ammar Ruiz on my FB on his birthday, January 31:

Ten years ago, I fell in love with you without even seeing u, and when u finally made an appearance and showed yourself, I fell in love all over again, harder than before, stronger than ever, and that love I feel for you has grown with the years and will grow much more in the years to come. Always wanting to be ahead of the pack, you made an early appearance at 11.50pm on January 31, 2002, three weeks before your actual due date. Happy Birthday my adorable darling Ammar Ruiz ♥ Thank you for making mummy's life whole and thank you Allah for Your "gift".

 
on the day we left thaqif in Baling on january 25, i moved to the back of the car on the way home and sat next to ruiz quarter-way through the journey. i cried halfway home thinking of thaqif, and all the time i was crying, ruiz held my hand and didn't let go, as if to tell me that it is ok, that he is there for me. as with many other events when he has demonstrated his warmness and sensitivity, i was and am still so amazed at how sensitive and caring my barely 10 year old son can be. i hope he stays that way all his life...

a full plate

january passed me by so quickly, i don't even know where the days went. i was so busy preparing thaqif for his boarding school and getting my progress presentation done, not to mention having my paper done for defense submission, i had no time for other stuff. bak was also not in good health, and i was trying to juggle everything, going back and forth to see him and mak as much as i could. even my cancelled plans to visit adam didn't get me down as it would in the past. not because i love him less or miss him any lesser, but there have been too many things going on on my end, i sometimes feel i cannot breathe.

thoriq is past his PMR disappointment and i am hoping is keeping his spirit going on working hard for his SPM eventhough it is a over a year away. keep telling him he needs to have his form four work in his hands so that he does not need to struggle with both his form four and five lessons next year. i have accepted the fact that it is not his "rezeki" to go to a boarding school. i am sure there are a lot of good in it, and perharps even lessons to learn from this. i just hope he works hard and have a bright future ahead of him apart from being a good son and muslim. ruiz is in the first class in standard four and the only class doing maths and science in english. don't even get me started there, all the stupid educational policies and changes the ministry is making, and how it is affecting students, teachers and parents. well i can talk about it in a different post if i am up to it that is. his good friends are mostly in the same class and since he is so playful, i find the need to remind him that it is going to be a competitive year for him. as for thaqif... sigh. he is having a hard time in MRSM. he keeps saying he misses home and mummy, and the boarding school is not his place. he is finding a hard time adjusting, and it is stressing me out. i am hoping he settles down real soon and i pray to Allah to take away the sadness from his heart so that he can concentrate on his studies and be happy there. i am beginning to wonder too if i have done the right thing sending a 12 year old boy who is quiet and reserved so far away from his familiar ground. yesterday evening, i sent him the surah al-insyirah - "verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief. verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief."  i do hope as he repeats it, it gives him the relief he needs. oh Allah, please lighten thaqif's heavy heart, take away the burden off his soul, remove the sadness from him and smoothen his journey for him, for You are the Almighty, the Most Merciful. my tears fel l like rain when i left him and i still find myself crying these days whenever he calls and speak to me with that sadness in his voice. Oh dear Allah, give both him and me strength to get through this.

Bak is better these days, Alhamdulillah. A lot better than the past few weeks. He is walking on his own again and has gone downstairs for his lunch and dinner now. His improved condition is a big help to Mak as she herself has been suffering from swollen ankles, painful knee joints, aching back ever since Bak got sick. i do have to go see them soon as my last visit was on saturday when thaqif was home for a long weekend break, well, not that long, just two full days at home - picked him up on thursday and sent him back via penang on sunday. it was tiring but it was well worth it to have him home. just not sure if it did more harm than good as he is not adjusting all that well.

plans with adam has to be postponed and postponed and shelved. at the rate we are going and how things are going for him at this point, we just don't even know when we will ever be able to settle down. too many hurdles to cross, too many challenges to overcome. my plate is so full, i sometimes feel it might spill over soon. but at times, despite feeling so, i am amazed at how much calmer i am at facing this separation from adam and all the cancelled and postponed plans. maybe there are a lot of "hikmah" in it, i just don't see them now. well actually one of them is bak getting sick and thankfully i am here instead of there. there are probably a lot more. i leave everything to Allah for now for He knows best and from this shall i gather all my strength. insyaAllah.