Just another day

it's a sign. it's a heart, it is love. taken at the airshow
at Jones Beach two weekends ago.

Did I tell you that Thoriq is now in flying school? One step closer to being a pilot, God willing. And it has been almost a year since I moved over here with the two boys. It feels pretty surreal at times that a whole school year is almost over for them. and come June 16, it will be a year since we have moved here. I  am still jobless and pretty much friendless, haha. Well I know people, there are a few who drop by to say hello and even stay for a bit of a chat and clearing up whatever dessert I have left on the table. But they are not friends like the ones I have back home. They are people I say hello to when I meet them on the street or the person who happens to be the wife of the handyman who fixes stuff at the house or the handyman himself. Or friends of the husband's. It sounds pretty pathetic I know, but Adam said it is because I choose to be alone and refuse to socialize. Which I disagree of course. I do not just go out there and socialize. I do when I need to and when I do not, I would rather stay home doing what I enjoy doing - read, bake, pottering around. It does get lonely at teeny tiny times but honestly I am not complaining. My life revolves around the boys and Adam, and I know that that is not good but I am pretty much contented at this point of time. I do not know if it is age. I do not find the need to go out a lot or have friends around me. I much prefer friends back home which does not leave me much of an option of course. Perhaps it is because I do not work and thus, do not get to make friends. My neighbor is pretty aloof. We say hello or nod if we see each other outside. She does not seems to be too interested to have a conversation with me and I have much given up on trying. Why bother trying to make a conversation when the other party obviously is not interested. At times, I do not even know if I am really sorry for myself  or pretending to be, and telling Adam that I must be so pathetic for not having friends at all. I enjoy my time alone at home when the boys are in school and Adam is at work and once the boys are home, I am always busy with making dinner and cleaning and then get too tired for anything else. Plus I would much rather just spend time with Adam once the boys are in bed despite the fact that he would be absorbed in getting his kingdom saved while preparing to attack others (ok it is a game) and I would be watching a TV series on my iPad while folding clothes, or doing some reading or checking my Facebook or WhatsApp-ing or Viber-ing friends or family or Thoriq. Anyway yes that is pretty much how it is for me these days. Cleaning up, laundry and off for my run and/or brisk walk in the morning. Pick up the boys in the afternoon and then cooking and cleaning and checking on boys, folding clothes. And at times I still manage to get another round of brisk walk, reading and baking in between everything else. And I am ok, not complaining and I secretly wish that I do not have to work any longer (although this is no secret anymore now that I have blabbed all here) since home and the boys including the big boy are lots of work enough.

Anyway back to Thoriq, yes, the eldest boy is in a flying academy in Langkawi Island (in the northern part of Malaysia, a beautiful island too I must add). He will be there for the next 18 to 24 months, the duration which very much depends on the weather as they need to have a certain amount of flying hours completed and at times weather can be a factor and bad weather means no flying and no flying means extension. I am really hoping he would study hard for this as he has been so passionate about flying with all his time spent on flight simulator in the past two or three years. Not to mention the fact also that his father and I are putting a huge amount of money to get him through this school.  Flying school is no joke when it comes to the cost. I also hope being away from home and living in a dorm (more like a room with just him and a room mate) will teach him to be independent and he will finally learn to be an adult and be responsible with the choices he makes..

As for Thaqif and Ruiz, they have been pretty much getting through school rather smoothly. Both have been maintaining at least a 3.6 GPA and Ruiz has twice earned a place on the honours roll with Thaqif missing it by a few miserable points which is still a good feat taking into account that they have just moved here from a totally different country with a totally different education system and culture. But Thaqif surprised me when he actually made the cut to be on the track team and has been to a number of meet at other schools with today's being the final one. The track and field team will be having a pizza party in school tomorrow to call the season a day and I believe it has been a good experience for him. We joke that he runs fast because he is skinny. Ruiz shoots up in height. Although both he and Thaqif are getting taller by the day, Ruiz at the age of 12 is tall for his age, slimming down too, although he has not lost all his chubbiness as yet and has again beaten Thaqif in height, maybe by a half inch or so. Graduation for Thaqif is in three weeks and he will be off to High School comes September. Again how time flies. Adam said "ah what is a year?" when I told him this morning that I can't believe that it has already been almost a year since we moved here.

Ramadan is again beckoning us. In less than a month, we head into the holiest month and two weeks after that we will be heading home to KL. I know Adam prefers me to call this home but I now call both KL and NY home. So we, minus Adam unfortunately, will be in KL for the rest of Ramadan and to celebrate Eid, and we will leave for home in NY towards the end of August. Mak is all excited about me making the trip back and told me that I should head straight for their house from the airport. Bak sounded happy enough when I told him but Bak has always been the cool one and so I am not sure if he is even anywhere near excited like Mak. But I am so looking forward to going back and meeting the family and friends. Unfortunately Adam will not be able to make it due to work and I will only have a short time to spend with Thoriq. Regardless I am thankful to Allah for everything and for this chance at going home to see Bak and Mak and everyone else who matters a lot to me.




soon, it will be farewell to Spring

Spring is almost over. Summer is already making itself felt. It is hot, hot, hot today. Ramadan is around the corner. Home in KL is beckoning me. I have much to look forward to insyaa Allah. I shall not waste my time pondering over how it would feel when it comes to leaving KL for NY. I will take each day as it comes, savour each and every one of them, the moments and time to be spent with all my loved ones. There no doubt will be tears when I leave, but there will be so much joy, the tears will be worth it all.

Gotta run now. Beef stew has been in the oven for the past hour and a half with another hour and a half to go. I have rice to cook and Thaqif to pick up from school. Adam will be home very late as he has a business meeting after his clinic ends at 730pm. And I still have clothes to fold and some reading to sneak in. It's past 6pm and another day is almost over for us here while another day is just beginning over there in Malaysia for all the people whom I love. May Allah ease their way, keep them in His protection and bless them with lots and lots of happiness. And most of all, for always, I wish them... a whole lot of love.




 

flourless chocolate brownies anyone?

I made this the other weekend, a last minute decision when contemplating on making dessert for my brother and his family who were coming down from Setiawan to visit my parents. It was on a Saturday evening, so it was my usual time with the boys to have dinner with their grandparents, and my other brother and his daughter were joining us as well. The more, the merrier and the more reason I wanted to bake something for dessert to be enjoyed by the whole family. Thoriq for the past number of times have been wanting to eat flourless brownies and I never made any, and while contemplating on what to bake, I actually "ran" into the recipe of flourless brownies by that gorgeous kitchen diva, Nigella Lawson. Checked the ingredients required and eventhough there were one or two items that I do not have and need to improvise by replacing them with what I do have, I thought ok this is it. So brownies again, but totally different from my usual walnut and chocolate brownies or that sinful brownies with the orange zest cream cheese topping. This one as the name says is flourless and because of that, comes out really gooey, and you simply have to make the hot chocolate sauce to drizzle over the brownies and vanilla icecream (which you do not need but I must say is a must-have to complete this whole dessert).  Anyhow I baked it, took it to the parent's and it went down well with the kids and adults. There were some leftover and eventhough I would have loved to bring a little back, I needed to ensure that Ruiz sticks as close as possible to this diet I am putting him on (cut him off sodas and any sugary drinks, and make him have water 99 percent of the time, and cutting out all the sweets which means I have to bake less or I can bake but please donate or give away three quarter of what I baked, have brown rice at home which I have already introduced and makes up half of the rice cooked nowadays, and I am considering just buying only brown rice when I finally run out of the white rice I have currently, cutting his portions to half, and having more sandwiches, omit the white bread of course). The reason he has to be put on a diet is because he weighs more than mommy does and although he is cute and round and chubby and you just want to hug him and wish you can pinch him and roll around with him all day long (which he hates), I don't want his weight to get out of control which will be a lot worse for him if I start later. I just started him on this diet like for the past week and a half and we will see how it goes.

Anyway coming back to the brownies, due to that diet for Ruiz (which helps me control my chocolate and sweets intake as well), I did not bring any leftovers home. Mak told me last night when I saw her that the leftovers were gone rather quickly the next morning, so I am glad everyone enjoyed it. Therefore, I would love to share the recipe with you brownie lovers out there. Make sure you make the hot chocolate sauce, plonk a good scoop of vanilla icecream over the brownies, drizzle the hot chocolate over but do not overdo it, and have a great time. And since I did not have the chance to take pictures of it, I am sharing Nigella's picture of the brownies (which are professionally taken by the way as compared to any of mine). So enjoy and have a chocolatey brownie Sunday everyone.

flourless chocolate brownie
pic via nigella.com

Brownie:
225g dark chocolate
225g butter
2 tsp vanilla extract
200g caster sugar
3 eggs, beaten
150g ground almonds
100g chopped walnuts

Chocolate sauce:
75g dark chocolate
125ml double cream
2 x 15ml tbsp Camp coffee or 2tsp of instant espresso powder 
dissolved in 2tbsp water (I replaced this with 2tbsp or slightly less of nescafe)
1 x 15ml tbsp golden syrup

Method:
for the Brownie:
1. pre-heat oven to 170C
2. Melt the chocolate and butter gently over low heat in a heavy based saucepan
3. Take the pan off the heat, mix in vanilla and sugar, and let it cool a little
4. Beat the eggs into the pan along with the ground almonds and chopped walnuts

Turn into a 24cm square tin or use a foil one. Bake in the oven for 25 to 30 minutes. The top will have set but the mixture will still be gooey (the top for my brownie was rather crisp i must say). Once cooler, cut carefully (recommended to cut four down, four across into 16 squares, though I cut smaller and had more squares).

for the sauce:
1. break up the chocolate and put into a heavy based saucepan
2. add the remaining ingredients, place pan over a gentle heat and let everything melt together
3.once everything has melted, stir well, take off the heat and pour into a jug to serve

engraved on the stars

i cannot stop humming this song today. sung by yuna, the malaysian girl who is making it big in New York now is like a feel good song for me. if you hear me hum this song, you know i am in a cheery mood. the song is called, "terukir di bintang" which loosely translated in english means "engraved on the stars" and i keep singing the part "terukir di bintang, tak mungkin hilang, cinta ku pada mu" which again in english means "engraved on the stars, my love for you shall never fade". ewww maybe i can come up with a better translation for that another time. maybe it should be "engraved on the stars, i shall always love you". oh whatever it is, i am sure you get the gist of what it means.

anyhow this feel good song goes out to my three boys, ruiz, thaqif and thoriq and of course to the man i love in New York, my adam - and just because my love for you is engraved on the stars :)

as for the rest of you, enjoy the song. i hope it makes you feel good too...

mocha peach trifle

in the last few weeks, thoriq had been pestering me to make him some trifle, specifically the one with mocha and peach. i was going to do it before i left for my last trip to baling to see thaqif, but i was out of cream. and after that i decided to make chocolate chips for thaqif and thoriq basically had to wait for another week before mommy got her act together. i finally made some last monday and instead of a big bowl for the boys, i separated it into two bowls, with one being for my dearest friend vanessa and her family. when she heard me mention the trifle the last time, she was going "i want some too" and i would not be able to forgive myself if i made the trifle without giving her any. so the initial plan of one big bowl of trifle became two smaller bowls and believe it or not, the trifle i made in the evening lasted only until lunch time the next day. oh well, there goes my plan of having a few days of trifle. regardless what is important, i made thoriq happy and eventhough vanessa did not enjoy it as much as i was hoping (her complain being maybe too much mocha custard, which is weird because she is a coffee person and that is the reason she wanted it in the first place), i believed her boys and husband C enjoyed the trifle to a pretty far extent. anyhow, after posting the pics of the trifle, i was flooded (well i am exaggerating a little there) with requests for the recipe from friends. infact in the last few weeks, i have been recieving requests for a number of recipes including this chocolate chips i made for thaqif using oatmeal and three types of nuts. well i will post that recipe up and some pictures too to share here but for today, should you feel the need to have some trifle with a mix of mocha and chocolate, here goes:

1. coffee sponge cake
6 eggs
225 gm castor sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 tbsp instant coffee, dissolve in a little hot water
225 gm all purpose flour
in a heatproof bowl, placed over a pot of simmering water, beat eggs, sugar, vanilla essence and instant coffee until slightly warm, about 55C/130F. transfer to a cake mixture and beat vigorously until fairly cool. sift flour into the batter in small batches and mix well. pour the batter into a 24cm cake pan lined with greased parchment paper and bake for 25mins at 185C/365F.


2. sugar syrup
1/2 cup castor sugar
1/4 cup water
4 tbsp kahlua liquer ( i use 1 tbsp vanilla essence as a substitute. can use coffee flavouring if you have any. otherwise, can also omit)
bring sugar and water to a simmer. cool before flavouring with kahlua (or vanilla or coffee flavouring)


3. mocha custard
4 cups fresh milk
2 tbsp instant coffee
10 egg yolks
2 tbsp custard powder
100 gm butter, chilled and diced
bring milk and instant coffee to a simmer in a saucepan. in a separate bowl beat egg yolks with sugar and custard powder until fluffy. add half of the warm milk from the saucepan. stir to mix and pour back into the saucepan with the remaining milk. stir and continue cooking until the custard boils and begins to thicken. remove the heat and add the chilled butter. stir until dissolved. chill the custard before use.


4. chocolate cream
200 gm bittersweet chocolate
1 cup whipping cream
place chocolate and whipping cream in a heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water. stir until the chocolate melts. remove from the heat.


to assemble:
you need coffee sponge cake, sugar syrup, mocha custard, chocolate cream and you also need 1000 gm canned cling peaches, drain ed (about 3 to 4 cans of halved or/and sliced peaches. i use masterchef brand. i like putting halved as layers and the sliced ones on top. alternatively, i also use the halved ones when i do not have the sliced ones available).


place slices of coffee sponge cake at the base of trifle bowl. drizzle with sugar syrup. arrange a layer of peaches over the syrup. top with custard and drizzle with chocolate cream. repeat until all the ingredients are used, ending with a layer of peaches. (i top choclate cream on the final layer before peaches and drizzle bits mpre on the last layer of peaches). chill overnight before serving. but if you cannot wait just like my boys, chill for at least a few hours  or one if in urgent need, before you start eating.


**psssttt...time for a confession. i do not bake the coffee sponge cake. i kinda cheated and got a coffee swiss roll from the neighbourhood bakery instead. cannot find any existing or available coffee sponge cake so far, but hey it's worked well so far. if you want to bake the cake, then the recipe is up there, so bake away. have fun trying and happy eating.

a full plate

january passed me by so quickly, i don't even know where the days went. i was so busy preparing thaqif for his boarding school and getting my progress presentation done, not to mention having my paper done for defense submission, i had no time for other stuff. bak was also not in good health, and i was trying to juggle everything, going back and forth to see him and mak as much as i could. even my cancelled plans to visit adam didn't get me down as it would in the past. not because i love him less or miss him any lesser, but there have been too many things going on on my end, i sometimes feel i cannot breathe.

thoriq is past his PMR disappointment and i am hoping is keeping his spirit going on working hard for his SPM eventhough it is a over a year away. keep telling him he needs to have his form four work in his hands so that he does not need to struggle with both his form four and five lessons next year. i have accepted the fact that it is not his "rezeki" to go to a boarding school. i am sure there are a lot of good in it, and perharps even lessons to learn from this. i just hope he works hard and have a bright future ahead of him apart from being a good son and muslim. ruiz is in the first class in standard four and the only class doing maths and science in english. don't even get me started there, all the stupid educational policies and changes the ministry is making, and how it is affecting students, teachers and parents. well i can talk about it in a different post if i am up to it that is. his good friends are mostly in the same class and since he is so playful, i find the need to remind him that it is going to be a competitive year for him. as for thaqif... sigh. he is having a hard time in MRSM. he keeps saying he misses home and mummy, and the boarding school is not his place. he is finding a hard time adjusting, and it is stressing me out. i am hoping he settles down real soon and i pray to Allah to take away the sadness from his heart so that he can concentrate on his studies and be happy there. i am beginning to wonder too if i have done the right thing sending a 12 year old boy who is quiet and reserved so far away from his familiar ground. yesterday evening, i sent him the surah al-insyirah - "verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief. verily, with every difficulty, there comes relief."  i do hope as he repeats it, it gives him the relief he needs. oh Allah, please lighten thaqif's heavy heart, take away the burden off his soul, remove the sadness from him and smoothen his journey for him, for You are the Almighty, the Most Merciful. my tears fel l like rain when i left him and i still find myself crying these days whenever he calls and speak to me with that sadness in his voice. Oh dear Allah, give both him and me strength to get through this.

Bak is better these days, Alhamdulillah. A lot better than the past few weeks. He is walking on his own again and has gone downstairs for his lunch and dinner now. His improved condition is a big help to Mak as she herself has been suffering from swollen ankles, painful knee joints, aching back ever since Bak got sick. i do have to go see them soon as my last visit was on saturday when thaqif was home for a long weekend break, well, not that long, just two full days at home - picked him up on thursday and sent him back via penang on sunday. it was tiring but it was well worth it to have him home. just not sure if it did more harm than good as he is not adjusting all that well.

plans with adam has to be postponed and postponed and shelved. at the rate we are going and how things are going for him at this point, we just don't even know when we will ever be able to settle down. too many hurdles to cross, too many challenges to overcome. my plate is so full, i sometimes feel it might spill over soon. but at times, despite feeling so, i am amazed at how much calmer i am at facing this separation from adam and all the cancelled and postponed plans. maybe there are a lot of "hikmah" in it, i just don't see them now. well actually one of them is bak getting sick and thankfully i am here instead of there. there are probably a lot more. i leave everything to Allah for now for He knows best and from this shall i gather all my strength. insyaAllah.

thoriq turns fifteen

happy birthday to my dearest thoriq, my first born child,
welcomed into this world fifteen years ago on a sunday morning at 9.25am on november 3, 1996.
the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for a child.
truly, there are really places in the heart i don't even know exist
until you came along and made my life whole...