Of uninvited guests and season's change

It has been a long time since my last entry.  Ramadan came and went. I celebrated Eid away from the family, with just the two boys eating homemade instant nasi impit and Adam away at work. Totally different from what life has been. I am not complaining. Whining? May sound like it but really I am not. I chose this path, I knew what lie ahead. To be fair to myself, of course I do not know the exact situation and emotions that would engulf me but I knew enough that sadness would sometimes come for a visit, and that loneliness can sometimes be an uninvited guest. I had a choice and I picked this. Pros and cons, good and bad. I made my bed and I must now lie on it and choose to have good dreams and fight off the nightmares. But yes there is much happiness too in our household, smiles and laughters amid the tears that at times still find its way back to me.

Anyhow for quite a while then, I just couldn't find time nor passion to write down my thoughts. I think about it all the time but I never could quite find my way back to this blog until today that is. Boys are busy at school. Yes they are in school. My nervousness over them adjusting to school here is basically over. They actually enjoy school which challenges their creativity and mind, and believe it or not, they are reading like there is no tomorrow.  I have never seen them reading as much as they are now. Thaqif even read my entire collection of Mitch Albom's books and both he and Ruiz even read one of my favourite books, The Kite Runner. How awesome is that? It used to be pretty difficult getting them to read back when we were in KL. Thoriq was always the bookworm just like mommy but never these two and now I cannot be more pleased.

I get to speak to mak and bak at least once in two weeks, once a week if I am lucky thanks to Al and Viber and I am thankful to Allah for that. I still write them at least once a month. Love sending cards but have been having a tough time with missing cards and mails that somehow don't reach the recipients, five cards to date. God knows where they ended up.

It is Fall here, my favourite time of the year since the weather is cool and the trees are bursting with colours. They are so amazing that you can't help but say Glory be to Allah and glory be to Him indeed. The weather is getting colder though now that winter is fast approaching. Some days already require winter jackets and the snow made its first appearance last week, a sneak peek for the boys as it was just for a half day and not too heavy. The boys of course were excited. Mommy too. I can't stand the cold but I do love watching the snow falls. Most trees are losing their leaves already, and by that you can tell that winter will be knocking on the door soon.

a different kind of life

Sitting here in the kitchen after preparing dinner. Thaqif having his dinner and Ruiz contemplating on whether to shower first or eat and has picked shower. Adam is on the way home. He called while walking to his car, just left the clinic he said. I am talking to Thaqif as i typed this. I made a vietnamese dish of chicken and boiled eggs, and cooked some chinese spinach. The boys thankfully enjoy the dish. I am glad for the company. I was kind of down ever since i did my asar prayer, i was missing bak and mak, home, and all the people and things associated to that. I cry most times when i do my zuhur and asar, always feeling the weight in my chest, and crying in the middle of my solat. Surprisingly, it is different with maghrib and isya', i suppose over the need to be done and get back to what i was doing or to adam most of all who would wait patiently to have a conversation over our day, mostly his of course as mine is nothing interesting or extra ordinary. His would be filled of tales of patients, the staff at the clinic, at times even about what he has seen on his way to work. This reminds me of how Thaqif asked me today about when will i get my new phone and i said that it is ok, that i would get it later as it is not that important, it is not like i have any friends who would call and besides i have the ipad which is sufficient for the time being. After saying that i realised how pathetic i sounded, and how sad. No friend to call me. And that is a fact... How different life is now for me. 

Turning the house into a home

The house is looking more like a home now. Finally managed to go get a rug for the living room and some throw cushions to add to the cosy feeling i want in a home. Adam was off yesterday and we were out getting stuff for almost the whole day. Tired plus a hole in our pockets but the things we bought are all for the long term. I have my sofa and book shelf delivered later today. They will not complete the whole "cosy" living room look and feel i would like to have but it is wonderful for a start. And i am thankful to Allah for all that i have, few or a lot depends on whether you would prefer to look at it as half full or half empty. Boys are having their mac and cheese lunch now and i need to go organise mine and adam's clothes as he just fixed up the much needed drawers in our bare closet. These things plus thinking about what to cook everyday are what keep me busy and distracted for now. Speaking of what to cook, chicken is out and defrosting and i am so cooking chicken with pepper in hoisin sauce for tonight's dinner. Until later...

please hold my hand

dearest Allah

can you please hold my hand?

Numb

Been months since i last wrote. The last time was on the eve of my marriage solemnisation to adam. Was in NY then, Brooklyn to be precise. I went home to KL not too long after that. Had earlier planned on moving to NY for good to join adam at the end of the year but plans changed and here i am, three months later back in NY, in Long Island in a new home with the two younger boys in tow starting a new life, leaving those i love dearly back home in KL. Funny in a not funny sortbof way what you once thought you wanted so much turned out to be the biggest pain in your life. Has it not been this that i wanted? To be with adam? No matter where, i thought, as long we can be together. Had i bargained for too much than i can take? Did i not see that the pain it could bring me? Leaving everything and especially everyone including my dearest thoriq and beloved bak and mak to be with a man who yes despite being my husband and who loves me, somehow could never make up for the emptiness left in me when i left KL this time for a longer term. Every time i am alone, in the quiet of the morning, with adam and boys still asleep after my fajar prayer, i remember saying goodbye to bak, he lying in bed, i had woken him from his nap to say goodbye. I had kissed him over and over on his forehead, his cheeks and i kept telling him how much i love him like i could never tell him enough, like if i dont keep saying it, he will not remember it, that he wont remember me. What if i never see him again? What if i come back and he is no longer there? What if that was me touching him and hugging him for the last time? Would i ever be able to live with it? It was ironic, i was hugging him as though i was the parent and bak was so fragile and he kept telling me it is ok and to take care. I wonder if he even remembered it after that now that he forgets things so easily these days, i am your little girl bak. I am your little girl. How could i leave you? And mak, i kissed her the way i did bak. Asked for her forgiveness and repeatedly told her i love her. She was unexpectedly strong. Tears in her eyes but she did not break dowor anything which helped me composed myself. I held her hand and turned to go but came back and gave her one last hug and kissed her again on both cheeks, telling her she has to come and see me. Who am i kidding? Who am i kidding really? Adam said it would take a while and one day the pain will recede and the homesickness wont be so bad. Right now i dont believe him. It is not his fault. He is trying to help. It is just that i dont believe him and neither do i believe my head that keeps telling me that in time it will be less painful. Maybe it willbe easier to get through the days, prolonged pain can sometimes numb you. Maybe thats is how it will be. Numb...

on the eve of a new chapter

it is late. very very late. 3.02 in the morning to be exact. everyone else in this little cosy apartment in brooklyn  are asleep. abang, kak azizah, al, kak lin (they got into JFK at almost 3pm earlier, and i have been here for a week now) and adam. and here i am in front of the laptop screen, typing away. i juts had a mug of hot chocolate and nibbles of some leftover pasta. i am having trouble falling asleep and tomorrow is the big day. yes d day for adam and i, a new chapter in the journey of my life. our solemnisation ceremony will be tomorrow, or shall i say today, later at 1.30pm after the zuhur prayer at the islamic cultural centre of new york. and here i am, still wide awake with a bad throat, a little temperature, eyes that refused to droop and brain that refused to let itself fall into a dream. i am not sure why i cannot sleep. i do not think i am anxious about my new life, and another chance at being a wife. then again, who can tell. i have been so busy, and fallen sick too these past few days, i can never tell. i know i was kind of anxious about getting married. funny how it was all i wanted and now being so close to it, i feel anxious and a little fearful about taking the next step, knowing fully well if i take this step, there is no turning back, that i have got to make good with everything that i have got.
there is never a guarantee in life. the only guarantee there is are in the promises that Allah makes. the rest you have to make the best of. and when i take that vow tomorrow and promise to be adam's wife, i intend to make things good and give it all i have. may Allah bless adam and i with happiness for the rest of our lives, and may He guide us in the journey of our lives together.

and yes, it is time

InsyaAllah...
registration at New York City Hall on March 7, 2013
nikah at New York Islamic Cultural Centre on March 11, 2013
and yes, perhaps it is time
barakAllah.

and so He tells me why

I made you wait
not because I don't love you
or because I want to hurt you
but because I know better.

I made you wait
not because I want to punish you
or because I like to see you cry
but because I know you better.

I made you wait
not because I get a thrill out of it
or because I want to make life difficult
but because I love you.

I made you wait
to teach you patience
to teach you faith
to teach you love
so that I could elevate you.

I made you wait
so that you learn
what having faith is all about
so that you learn
to let go of worldly matters
and be contented with what I choose for you.

I made you wait
so that you get to know Me
through your heartache and pain
and know that I
will never break your heart.

I made you wait
so that your faith in Me is stronger
so that you learn, realise, accept and know
that
in your heart of hearts
ultimately
even if there is no other love
you shall be contented
just as long
as you have...
Mine.

Indahnya dugaan Allah

dugaan Allah itu indah bukan?

dulu aku tidak mengerti

dan sekarang walaupun perit

aku merasai kemanisannya

dan aku redha

dan terus berdoa.

mana mungkin dalam setiap kesedihan

dan dugaan

tiada penawar

serta kelapangan dada?

mana mungkin dalam setiap kesedihan

dan dugaan

tiada hikmah

serta ubatnya?

tanpa dugaan dariMu yaAllah

tentu aku tidak dapat melihat

keindahanMu

dan rugilah aku.

dugaan Allah itu indah

rupanya...

sekarang aku mengerti

dan aku redha

dan terus berdoa.

i die a little, each time we say goodbye

Did not just say goodbye to 2012 but the eve of new year also saw me saying goodbye to my Thaqif in the middle.  Sent him up north to Baling, Kedah for his second year in boarding school.  Left Baling pretty late after registration, helping him to clean up and unpack, ensuring he had pretty much settled down with his things, and after having ourselves a very late lunch or more like tea, since it was already 3-ish by then. Hugged him tight and told him I would see him again soon.  I did not want him to see us go, so I walked him back to the entrance of his block after he had said goodbye to his father and brothers, and I watched him walked away from me. He smiled at me before turning to go, but not before I caught him choking back a tear.  Nevertheless, he was a lot better than when I left him there for his first year.  In fact both of us were. As I walked back to the car, I was pretty much holding back my own tears. None made it down my cheeks this time, but stayed watering in my eyes. I guess I just don't and won't get used to saying goodbye to Thaqif, even with all that so called training I have been getting from saying goodbye to Adam. It always pained me somehow. Ruiz had asked me earlier if I would be crying all the way home just like I did the first time. I told him that perhaps I would not if Thaqif does not cry first. Regardless, I know Ruiz was offering to hold my hand in case I cried like before, and I was comforted by that knowledge that I would have my baby's hand to hold on to if I did cry all the way back to KL.

everytime we say goodbye
i die a little
everytime we say goodbye
i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me
they allow you to go...