Here I am

Your calling My name is My reply.

Your longing for Me is My message to you.

All your attempts to reach Me are in reality My attempts to reach You.

Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me.

In the silence surrounding every call of "God" waits a thousand replies of "Here I am."

- Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi

Supplication for the sinner's heart

My God is sufficient for me, o Allah the All Sublime

None other in my heart but Allah

The light of Muhammad, peace and greetings for him

The light of Muhammad, peace and greetings for him.

Allah's promise

People in love never want to admit that human promises are temporary. They promise each other faithful love, a good and easy life...they promise "forever." But we are only human.

People break their promises all the time, sometimes out of ill-will, and sometimes simply out of their fragile humanness. It is only Allah (swt) whose promises are never broken and whose promises are eternal.

"Allah has promised the believing men and believing women gardens beneath which rivers flow, where they abide eternally, and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence; but approval from Allah is greater. It is that which is the great attainment" (9.72).

Allah promised believers Jannah, and His approval and satisfaction with us. When Allah (swt) promises us something, it is not like a promise of a human being. His promises are not contingent on other people or circumstances or a short lifespan. He is the Ever-Living and His promises are absolute.

We also promised something to Him. We made a covenant with Allah (swt) when He first gathered all the souls that would ever come into existence. We all recognised and testified to His Oneness, acknowledging that no being is worthy of worship except Him. That was our covenant, our contract, our promise. Most of humanity has broken this promise.

But still, He gives us blessings and He grants us all that we ask and He promises us something far better than what we have. There's something better waiting for us than the broken pieces of this life that we are desperately trying to glue back together. He promises us forever. On the condition that we fight against our fragility and selfishness to uphold our promise to Him, too.

"So be patient. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth" (30:60)

- Asmaa Hussein

Like a dandelion, I sway in the wind, struggling everyday to be Your better servant Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem.
O Ya Allah, forgive me for all my broken promises to You. Please forgive me.

Spring break in DC

It is finally Spring. And does time pass by so quickly these days. It is already the second week of April. Temperatures are rising though there have been sunny days but terribly cold due to the wind.And believe it or not, we had snow on the first day of Spring. What a way to celebrate Spring eh!  Today is Sunday and boys will be back in school tomorrow after about one and a half week of Spring break. We went to DC last Friday evening for the weekend and was home by Sunday evening. Could not get away longer as the other half could not get any doctors to replace him at the clinic, thus leaving for DC at 8pm that Friday. Well, alhamdulillah, it was better than nothing. Boys had a chance to see most of what DC is known for. In short, we spent the whole of Saturday at the National Mall. For those who are not familiar with DC, the National Mall is not a shopping mall. It is basically a stretch of area where you have all the monuments and museums on your left and right, and at one end is the Lincoln Memorial while the other end is the Capitol Building. So here is where you find the Smithsonian castle, the Air and Space museum, the Natural History Museum, the Art Gallery, the Sculpture Garden, The Korean War Veterans Memorial, the Museum of American History, the Washington Monument aka the Big Pencil, among others, and I mean many others. Trust me, one day is not enough to cover everything. Especially when there is a long line for the museums. One end to another is about 2 miles/ 3.2km walk and did we walk, haha. Thank God the boys were good with all the walking we did. They used to complain when we had to walk a lot but this time, they were really good about it. 

The gorgeous Smithsonian Castle

We did not manage to cover everything, just the Smithsonian castle, the national art gallery, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War memorial and a few gardens that we walked through, and the Air and Space Museum after the second try (we walked away after the first try due to too many people with the longest lines ever). We only sat outside the Natural History Museum as there were also lines. But Thaqif had gone there mid last month as he was in DC as one of his school's representatives to the Model United Nations Conference in Washington DC area. So he was not complaining about not being able to get in. And Ruiz was like, "oh we can always come back". Hmmm...

We meet again Mr President

Anyhow it was a very very windy day that Saturday. Wind aside, it was actually a beautiful sunny day. There was a pillow fight taking place at the park between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. Not too sure what the pillow fight was for but it got bigger each time with more and more people joining in. I believe most of them were students and as we walked back to the Smithsonian area, we met young adults carrying pillows heading for the park. Some others were there, flying kites so it was a pretty good and colorful sight. There were many food trucks and that caught my attention and my tummy's attention. Long lines there too and most of the food trucks had 'Halal" written on them, so it was way easier for us. We had lamb on rice and lamb gyros picnic style, sitting in the park, on the grass under a shady tree, scrambling to cover our food each time the wind blew like crazy.

The Washington Monument

All in all, it was a good getaway for us despite it being just a short weekend. The other half drove around the Embassy Row the next afternoon before we left DC and the areas around Dupont Circle. The houses and surroundings there reminded me of the suburbs of London. It was like stepping into suburbs like St. Albans (which I had dreamt of staying at once upon a time, many many years ago) and it was simply beautiful. I said aloud that maybe when Thaqif  goes to George Washington University if he is actually and truly interested in political science (since he is into all this UN stuff), we could probably move there and have a house there in that particular area, in one of those gorgeous looking London suburb look-alike houses, and get a chance to keep an eye on Thaqif's progress. And he quickly quipped  , "I thought you said you want to camp outside West Point because Ruiz will be there and you need to keep an eye ON him." I rolled my eyes. Yes, ok, thank you for reminding me that.

Statue of Gandhi at the Embassy Row

And I shall find you...

 

 

 

 

Just another day

it's a sign. it's a heart, it is love. taken at the airshow
at Jones Beach two weekends ago.

Did I tell you that Thoriq is now in flying school? One step closer to being a pilot, God willing. And it has been almost a year since I moved over here with the two boys. It feels pretty surreal at times that a whole school year is almost over for them. and come June 16, it will be a year since we have moved here. I  am still jobless and pretty much friendless, haha. Well I know people, there are a few who drop by to say hello and even stay for a bit of a chat and clearing up whatever dessert I have left on the table. But they are not friends like the ones I have back home. They are people I say hello to when I meet them on the street or the person who happens to be the wife of the handyman who fixes stuff at the house or the handyman himself. Or friends of the husband's. It sounds pretty pathetic I know, but Adam said it is because I choose to be alone and refuse to socialize. Which I disagree of course. I do not just go out there and socialize. I do when I need to and when I do not, I would rather stay home doing what I enjoy doing - read, bake, pottering around. It does get lonely at teeny tiny times but honestly I am not complaining. My life revolves around the boys and Adam, and I know that that is not good but I am pretty much contented at this point of time. I do not know if it is age. I do not find the need to go out a lot or have friends around me. I much prefer friends back home which does not leave me much of an option of course. Perhaps it is because I do not work and thus, do not get to make friends. My neighbor is pretty aloof. We say hello or nod if we see each other outside. She does not seems to be too interested to have a conversation with me and I have much given up on trying. Why bother trying to make a conversation when the other party obviously is not interested. At times, I do not even know if I am really sorry for myself  or pretending to be, and telling Adam that I must be so pathetic for not having friends at all. I enjoy my time alone at home when the boys are in school and Adam is at work and once the boys are home, I am always busy with making dinner and cleaning and then get too tired for anything else. Plus I would much rather just spend time with Adam once the boys are in bed despite the fact that he would be absorbed in getting his kingdom saved while preparing to attack others (ok it is a game) and I would be watching a TV series on my iPad while folding clothes, or doing some reading or checking my Facebook or WhatsApp-ing or Viber-ing friends or family or Thoriq. Anyway yes that is pretty much how it is for me these days. Cleaning up, laundry and off for my run and/or brisk walk in the morning. Pick up the boys in the afternoon and then cooking and cleaning and checking on boys, folding clothes. And at times I still manage to get another round of brisk walk, reading and baking in between everything else. And I am ok, not complaining and I secretly wish that I do not have to work any longer (although this is no secret anymore now that I have blabbed all here) since home and the boys including the big boy are lots of work enough.

Anyway back to Thoriq, yes, the eldest boy is in a flying academy in Langkawi Island (in the northern part of Malaysia, a beautiful island too I must add). He will be there for the next 18 to 24 months, the duration which very much depends on the weather as they need to have a certain amount of flying hours completed and at times weather can be a factor and bad weather means no flying and no flying means extension. I am really hoping he would study hard for this as he has been so passionate about flying with all his time spent on flight simulator in the past two or three years. Not to mention the fact also that his father and I are putting a huge amount of money to get him through this school.  Flying school is no joke when it comes to the cost. I also hope being away from home and living in a dorm (more like a room with just him and a room mate) will teach him to be independent and he will finally learn to be an adult and be responsible with the choices he makes..

As for Thaqif and Ruiz, they have been pretty much getting through school rather smoothly. Both have been maintaining at least a 3.6 GPA and Ruiz has twice earned a place on the honours roll with Thaqif missing it by a few miserable points which is still a good feat taking into account that they have just moved here from a totally different country with a totally different education system and culture. But Thaqif surprised me when he actually made the cut to be on the track team and has been to a number of meet at other schools with today's being the final one. The track and field team will be having a pizza party in school tomorrow to call the season a day and I believe it has been a good experience for him. We joke that he runs fast because he is skinny. Ruiz shoots up in height. Although both he and Thaqif are getting taller by the day, Ruiz at the age of 12 is tall for his age, slimming down too, although he has not lost all his chubbiness as yet and has again beaten Thaqif in height, maybe by a half inch or so. Graduation for Thaqif is in three weeks and he will be off to High School comes September. Again how time flies. Adam said "ah what is a year?" when I told him this morning that I can't believe that it has already been almost a year since we moved here.

Ramadan is again beckoning us. In less than a month, we head into the holiest month and two weeks after that we will be heading home to KL. I know Adam prefers me to call this home but I now call both KL and NY home. So we, minus Adam unfortunately, will be in KL for the rest of Ramadan and to celebrate Eid, and we will leave for home in NY towards the end of August. Mak is all excited about me making the trip back and told me that I should head straight for their house from the airport. Bak sounded happy enough when I told him but Bak has always been the cool one and so I am not sure if he is even anywhere near excited like Mak. But I am so looking forward to going back and meeting the family and friends. Unfortunately Adam will not be able to make it due to work and I will only have a short time to spend with Thoriq. Regardless I am thankful to Allah for everything and for this chance at going home to see Bak and Mak and everyone else who matters a lot to me.




soon, it will be farewell to Spring

Spring is almost over. Summer is already making itself felt. It is hot, hot, hot today. Ramadan is around the corner. Home in KL is beckoning me. I have much to look forward to insyaa Allah. I shall not waste my time pondering over how it would feel when it comes to leaving KL for NY. I will take each day as it comes, savour each and every one of them, the moments and time to be spent with all my loved ones. There no doubt will be tears when I leave, but there will be so much joy, the tears will be worth it all.

Gotta run now. Beef stew has been in the oven for the past hour and a half with another hour and a half to go. I have rice to cook and Thaqif to pick up from school. Adam will be home very late as he has a business meeting after his clinic ends at 730pm. And I still have clothes to fold and some reading to sneak in. It's past 6pm and another day is almost over for us here while another day is just beginning over there in Malaysia for all the people whom I love. May Allah ease their way, keep them in His protection and bless them with lots and lots of happiness. And most of all, for always, I wish them... a whole lot of love.




 

All that you are

Dedicated to my three boys :)



found on pinterest

P/S  When I told my Thaqif in the middle about this, quoted some of its words and came to the "flip to my flop" part, he cheekily asked me, "but what if I am your flop, not your flip?"  I could only roll my eyes.  I seems to be doing a lot of that these days.


 

Apabila gilakan Allah

I am quoting the words below from a comment that I found by "anonymous", made in regards to the passing of Syaikh Raja Ashman which I fell in love with immediately. And I hope that someday I will achieve that crazy in love feeling with Allah, and like Mr Anonymous, I can someday say the words, "aku gilakan Allah dan memburu akhirat" (loosely translated as - I am crazy in love with Allah and I am going all out for the hereafter). God willing...



image courtesy of Sinners Almanac

"Apabila cintaku berpadu dengan Allah,

maka butalah aku dengan yang lain."

 

 

 

 

Adieu Pak Cu

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.
Adieu Pak Cu. May Allah bless your soul, place you among the righteous and bless you with Jannah. I will forever remember your infectious laugh, your tease, your jokes and definitely your kind heart. 


When I die
when my coffin 
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world.

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling 
into a monster's abyss.

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love.

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind.

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down.

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed.

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human.

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well.

when for the last time 
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place, no time.

- Rumi
Ghazal number 911

April 22, 2014, 2am

Of uninvited guests and season's change

It has been a long time since my last entry.  Ramadan came and went. I celebrated Eid away from the family, with just the two boys eating homemade instant nasi impit and Adam away at work. Totally different from what life has been. I am not complaining. Whining? May sound like it but really I am not. I chose this path, I knew what lie ahead. To be fair to myself, of course I do not know the exact situation and emotions that would engulf me but I knew enough that sadness would sometimes come for a visit, and that loneliness can sometimes be an uninvited guest. I had a choice and I picked this. Pros and cons, good and bad. I made my bed and I must now lie on it and choose to have good dreams and fight off the nightmares. But yes there is much happiness too in our household, smiles and laughters amid the tears that at times still find its way back to me.

Anyhow for quite a while then, I just couldn't find time nor passion to write down my thoughts. I think about it all the time but I never could quite find my way back to this blog until today that is. Boys are busy at school. Yes they are in school. My nervousness over them adjusting to school here is basically over. They actually enjoy school which challenges their creativity and mind, and believe it or not, they are reading like there is no tomorrow.  I have never seen them reading as much as they are now. Thaqif even read my entire collection of Mitch Albom's books and both he and Ruiz even read one of my favourite books, The Kite Runner. How awesome is that? It used to be pretty difficult getting them to read back when we were in KL. Thoriq was always the bookworm just like mommy but never these two and now I cannot be more pleased.

I get to speak to mak and bak at least once in two weeks, once a week if I am lucky thanks to Al and Viber and I am thankful to Allah for that. I still write them at least once a month. Love sending cards but have been having a tough time with missing cards and mails that somehow don't reach the recipients, five cards to date. God knows where they ended up.

It is Fall here, my favourite time of the year since the weather is cool and the trees are bursting with colours. They are so amazing that you can't help but say Glory be to Allah and glory be to Him indeed. The weather is getting colder though now that winter is fast approaching. Some days already require winter jackets and the snow made its first appearance last week, a sneak peek for the boys as it was just for a half day and not too heavy. The boys of course were excited. Mommy too. I can't stand the cold but I do love watching the snow falls. Most trees are losing their leaves already, and by that you can tell that winter will be knocking on the door soon.

Numb

Been months since i last wrote. The last time was on the eve of my marriage solemnisation to adam. Was in NY then, Brooklyn to be precise. I went home to KL not too long after that. Had earlier planned on moving to NY for good to join adam at the end of the year but plans changed and here i am, three months later back in NY, in Long Island in a new home with the two younger boys in tow starting a new life, leaving those i love dearly back home in KL. Funny in a not funny sortbof way what you once thought you wanted so much turned out to be the biggest pain in your life. Has it not been this that i wanted? To be with adam? No matter where, i thought, as long we can be together. Had i bargained for too much than i can take? Did i not see that the pain it could bring me? Leaving everything and especially everyone including my dearest thoriq and beloved bak and mak to be with a man who yes despite being my husband and who loves me, somehow could never make up for the emptiness left in me when i left KL this time for a longer term. Every time i am alone, in the quiet of the morning, with adam and boys still asleep after my fajar prayer, i remember saying goodbye to bak, he lying in bed, i had woken him from his nap to say goodbye. I had kissed him over and over on his forehead, his cheeks and i kept telling him how much i love him like i could never tell him enough, like if i dont keep saying it, he will not remember it, that he wont remember me. What if i never see him again? What if i come back and he is no longer there? What if that was me touching him and hugging him for the last time? Would i ever be able to live with it? It was ironic, i was hugging him as though i was the parent and bak was so fragile and he kept telling me it is ok and to take care. I wonder if he even remembered it after that now that he forgets things so easily these days, i am your little girl bak. I am your little girl. How could i leave you? And mak, i kissed her the way i did bak. Asked for her forgiveness and repeatedly told her i love her. She was unexpectedly strong. Tears in her eyes but she did not break dowor anything which helped me composed myself. I held her hand and turned to go but came back and gave her one last hug and kissed her again on both cheeks, telling her she has to come and see me. Who am i kidding? Who am i kidding really? Adam said it would take a while and one day the pain will recede and the homesickness wont be so bad. Right now i dont believe him. It is not his fault. He is trying to help. It is just that i dont believe him and neither do i believe my head that keeps telling me that in time it will be less painful. Maybe it willbe easier to get through the days, prolonged pain can sometimes numb you. Maybe thats is how it will be. Numb...

on the eve of a new chapter

it is late. very very late. 3.02 in the morning to be exact. everyone else in this little cosy apartment in brooklyn  are asleep. abang, kak azizah, al, kak lin (they got into JFK at almost 3pm earlier, and i have been here for a week now) and adam. and here i am in front of the laptop screen, typing away. i juts had a mug of hot chocolate and nibbles of some leftover pasta. i am having trouble falling asleep and tomorrow is the big day. yes d day for adam and i, a new chapter in the journey of my life. our solemnisation ceremony will be tomorrow, or shall i say today, later at 1.30pm after the zuhur prayer at the islamic cultural centre of new york. and here i am, still wide awake with a bad throat, a little temperature, eyes that refused to droop and brain that refused to let itself fall into a dream. i am not sure why i cannot sleep. i do not think i am anxious about my new life, and another chance at being a wife. then again, who can tell. i have been so busy, and fallen sick too these past few days, i can never tell. i know i was kind of anxious about getting married. funny how it was all i wanted and now being so close to it, i feel anxious and a little fearful about taking the next step, knowing fully well if i take this step, there is no turning back, that i have got to make good with everything that i have got.
there is never a guarantee in life. the only guarantee there is are in the promises that Allah makes. the rest you have to make the best of. and when i take that vow tomorrow and promise to be adam's wife, i intend to make things good and give it all i have. may Allah bless adam and i with happiness for the rest of our lives, and may He guide us in the journey of our lives together.

and yes, it is time

InsyaAllah...
registration at New York City Hall on March 7, 2013
nikah at New York Islamic Cultural Centre on March 11, 2013
and yes, perhaps it is time
barakAllah.

and so He tells me why

I made you wait
not because I don't love you
or because I want to hurt you
but because I know better.

I made you wait
not because I want to punish you
or because I like to see you cry
but because I know you better.

I made you wait
not because I get a thrill out of it
or because I want to make life difficult
but because I love you.

I made you wait
to teach you patience
to teach you faith
to teach you love
so that I could elevate you.

I made you wait
so that you learn
what having faith is all about
so that you learn
to let go of worldly matters
and be contented with what I choose for you.

I made you wait
so that you get to know Me
through your heartache and pain
and know that I
will never break your heart.

I made you wait
so that your faith in Me is stronger
so that you learn, realise, accept and know
that
in your heart of hearts
ultimately
even if there is no other love
you shall be contented
just as long
as you have...
Mine.

Indahnya dugaan Allah

dugaan Allah itu indah bukan?

dulu aku tidak mengerti

dan sekarang walaupun perit

aku merasai kemanisannya

dan aku redha

dan terus berdoa.

mana mungkin dalam setiap kesedihan

dan dugaan

tiada penawar

serta kelapangan dada?

mana mungkin dalam setiap kesedihan

dan dugaan

tiada hikmah

serta ubatnya?

tanpa dugaan dariMu yaAllah

tentu aku tidak dapat melihat

keindahanMu

dan rugilah aku.

dugaan Allah itu indah

rupanya...

sekarang aku mengerti

dan aku redha

dan terus berdoa.

i die a little, each time we say goodbye

Did not just say goodbye to 2012 but the eve of new year also saw me saying goodbye to my Thaqif in the middle.  Sent him up north to Baling, Kedah for his second year in boarding school.  Left Baling pretty late after registration, helping him to clean up and unpack, ensuring he had pretty much settled down with his things, and after having ourselves a very late lunch or more like tea, since it was already 3-ish by then. Hugged him tight and told him I would see him again soon.  I did not want him to see us go, so I walked him back to the entrance of his block after he had said goodbye to his father and brothers, and I watched him walked away from me. He smiled at me before turning to go, but not before I caught him choking back a tear.  Nevertheless, he was a lot better than when I left him there for his first year.  In fact both of us were. As I walked back to the car, I was pretty much holding back my own tears. None made it down my cheeks this time, but stayed watering in my eyes. I guess I just don't and won't get used to saying goodbye to Thaqif, even with all that so called training I have been getting from saying goodbye to Adam. It always pained me somehow. Ruiz had asked me earlier if I would be crying all the way home just like I did the first time. I told him that perhaps I would not if Thaqif does not cry first. Regardless, I know Ruiz was offering to hold my hand in case I cried like before, and I was comforted by that knowledge that I would have my baby's hand to hold on to if I did cry all the way back to KL.

everytime we say goodbye
i die a little
everytime we say goodbye
i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me
they allow you to go...

recapture the dream

I want to come back to you
want to feel happy
about you again.
I want to look up at your eyes
and giggle with glee
not see the reflection
of the pain

pic via
layoutsparks.com

you've caused me.
I want to feel merry and good
and grateful for your love
not distant and remote
and somewhere far above.
I want to fly to your arms
like a child
sailing off a swing.
I want to remember
the warmth
your loving can bring.
I'm so tired of the chill
the winter
the snow.
Can't we rekindle the fires
and bring back the glow?
So much between us
so much sorrow
it would seem...

cinta dari syurga

Mengapakah

kita menagih
cinta manusia
sedangkan
kita tahu
bahawa ia tidak sempurna
bersifat sementara
dan kekadang
mengundang dusta.

Mengapakah
sukar untuk kita
menagih cinta
yang Satu
sedangkan
kita tahu
bahawa itulah
cinta yang teristimewa
yang teragung
yang sempurna
yang kekal
lagi abadi.

"dariNya kita datang

dan kepadaNya kita kembali"

Apakah kita terlalu alpa

sehingga

kita lupa

bahawa cinta yang Satu itulah

cinta dari syurga?

Rumi on love, poems and dance

In Your light, I learn how to love

In Your beauty, how to make poems

You dance inside my chest where no one sees You

but sometimes I do

And that sight becomes this art.

- Jalaluddin Rumi - 

how time flies

oh my goodness. i did not realise i have left this long. i supposed that is how busy i must have been.  i know i had wanted to write many times, finding my thoughts drifting to places, subjects and things i wanted to pen down. but i supposed there were always more urgent things that needed to be done first, relegating this to second and then to none. oh well, time passed so quickly and it is december first today. still cannot believe that it is already the last month of the year and 2013 is already knocking on the door. another year gone by... boys are growing. ruiz will be 11 in two months time, already at the edge of teenage years, i wish he would stay the same, the chubby youngest baby of mine, always there for me, the one who holds my hands when he sees me crying, the one who always seems to understand me better than the rest, the one who lets me hug him and roll around with him until he gets tired of it and shout in laughter to be released. soon, he will grow to be a young man and eventhough the love is there, and insyaAllah growing, it would never again be the same. there won't be those lying in bed together, looking at the ceiling, telling jokes and laughing, the occasional bear hugs shared by a child and his mom, the stolen kisses on his chubby cheeks and his shouts and screams because he has had enough of being kissed by mommy. anyhow, i shall not dwell in that for now. it only makes me sad.  now it is all good, and he is still my little baby, and i can still kiss him and hug him and make him yelp and yell for mommy to let him go. thaqif unbelievably will turn 13 a few days from now, and amazingly completed his first year away from me, in the boarding school in Baling, Kedah. he survived it and i survived it eventhough i must say, the thought of him going back there when the school holidays are over is not something i look forward to. i still sometimes wish i can bring him home, back to a school here, have him with me all the time, for as long as i still can. then again, why even bother going there? i cannot be selfish now, can i? and thoriq, growing so fast, already a young man, having turned 16 last month. with a mind of his own, always rebelling in a quiet way (well, not all the time) but always coming back to me, alhamdulillah. typical teenage stuff, lots of "u don't understand, mommy". makes one go crazy sometimes. then again, i was once like that too wasn't i?

how time flies...