Adieu Pak Cu

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun. Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return.
Adieu Pak Cu. May Allah bless your soul, place you among the righteous and bless you with Jannah. I will forever remember your infectious laugh, your tease, your jokes and definitely your kind heart. 


When I die
when my coffin 
is being taken out
you must never think
i am missing this world.

don't shed any tears
don't lament or
feel sorry
i'm not falling 
into a monster's abyss.

when you see
my corpse is being carried
don't cry for my leaving
i'm not leaving
i'm arriving at eternal love.

when you leave me
in the grave
don't say goodbye
remember a grave is
only a curtain
for the paradise behind.

you'll only see me
descending into a grave
now watch me rise
how can there be an end
when the sun sets or
the moon goes down.

it looks like the end
it seems like a sunset
but in reality it is a dawn
when the grave locks you up
that is when your soul is freed.

have you ever seen
a seed fallen to earth
not rise with a new life
why should you doubt the rise
of a seed named human.

have you ever seen
a bucket lowered into a well
coming back empty
why lament for a soul
when it can come back
like Joseph from the well.

when for the last time 
you close your mouth
your words and soul
will belong to the world of
no place, no time.

- Rumi
Ghazal number 911

April 22, 2014, 2am

a different kind of life

Sitting here in the kitchen after preparing dinner. Thaqif having his dinner and Ruiz contemplating on whether to shower first or eat and has picked shower. Adam is on the way home. He called while walking to his car, just left the clinic he said. I am talking to Thaqif as i typed this. I made a vietnamese dish of chicken and boiled eggs, and cooked some chinese spinach. The boys thankfully enjoy the dish. I am glad for the company. I was kind of down ever since i did my asar prayer, i was missing bak and mak, home, and all the people and things associated to that. I cry most times when i do my zuhur and asar, always feeling the weight in my chest, and crying in the middle of my solat. Surprisingly, it is different with maghrib and isya', i suppose over the need to be done and get back to what i was doing or to adam most of all who would wait patiently to have a conversation over our day, mostly his of course as mine is nothing interesting or extra ordinary. His would be filled of tales of patients, the staff at the clinic, at times even about what he has seen on his way to work. This reminds me of how Thaqif asked me today about when will i get my new phone and i said that it is ok, that i would get it later as it is not that important, it is not like i have any friends who would call and besides i have the ipad which is sufficient for the time being. After saying that i realised how pathetic i sounded, and how sad. No friend to call me. And that is a fact... How different life is now for me. 

Numb

Been months since i last wrote. The last time was on the eve of my marriage solemnisation to adam. Was in NY then, Brooklyn to be precise. I went home to KL not too long after that. Had earlier planned on moving to NY for good to join adam at the end of the year but plans changed and here i am, three months later back in NY, in Long Island in a new home with the two younger boys in tow starting a new life, leaving those i love dearly back home in KL. Funny in a not funny sortbof way what you once thought you wanted so much turned out to be the biggest pain in your life. Has it not been this that i wanted? To be with adam? No matter where, i thought, as long we can be together. Had i bargained for too much than i can take? Did i not see that the pain it could bring me? Leaving everything and especially everyone including my dearest thoriq and beloved bak and mak to be with a man who yes despite being my husband and who loves me, somehow could never make up for the emptiness left in me when i left KL this time for a longer term. Every time i am alone, in the quiet of the morning, with adam and boys still asleep after my fajar prayer, i remember saying goodbye to bak, he lying in bed, i had woken him from his nap to say goodbye. I had kissed him over and over on his forehead, his cheeks and i kept telling him how much i love him like i could never tell him enough, like if i dont keep saying it, he will not remember it, that he wont remember me. What if i never see him again? What if i come back and he is no longer there? What if that was me touching him and hugging him for the last time? Would i ever be able to live with it? It was ironic, i was hugging him as though i was the parent and bak was so fragile and he kept telling me it is ok and to take care. I wonder if he even remembered it after that now that he forgets things so easily these days, i am your little girl bak. I am your little girl. How could i leave you? And mak, i kissed her the way i did bak. Asked for her forgiveness and repeatedly told her i love her. She was unexpectedly strong. Tears in her eyes but she did not break dowor anything which helped me composed myself. I held her hand and turned to go but came back and gave her one last hug and kissed her again on both cheeks, telling her she has to come and see me. Who am i kidding? Who am i kidding really? Adam said it would take a while and one day the pain will recede and the homesickness wont be so bad. Right now i dont believe him. It is not his fault. He is trying to help. It is just that i dont believe him and neither do i believe my head that keeps telling me that in time it will be less painful. Maybe it willbe easier to get through the days, prolonged pain can sometimes numb you. Maybe thats is how it will be. Numb...

i die a little, each time we say goodbye

Did not just say goodbye to 2012 but the eve of new year also saw me saying goodbye to my Thaqif in the middle.  Sent him up north to Baling, Kedah for his second year in boarding school.  Left Baling pretty late after registration, helping him to clean up and unpack, ensuring he had pretty much settled down with his things, and after having ourselves a very late lunch or more like tea, since it was already 3-ish by then. Hugged him tight and told him I would see him again soon.  I did not want him to see us go, so I walked him back to the entrance of his block after he had said goodbye to his father and brothers, and I watched him walked away from me. He smiled at me before turning to go, but not before I caught him choking back a tear.  Nevertheless, he was a lot better than when I left him there for his first year.  In fact both of us were. As I walked back to the car, I was pretty much holding back my own tears. None made it down my cheeks this time, but stayed watering in my eyes. I guess I just don't and won't get used to saying goodbye to Thaqif, even with all that so called training I have been getting from saying goodbye to Adam. It always pained me somehow. Ruiz had asked me earlier if I would be crying all the way home just like I did the first time. I told him that perhaps I would not if Thaqif does not cry first. Regardless, I know Ruiz was offering to hold my hand in case I cried like before, and I was comforted by that knowledge that I would have my baby's hand to hold on to if I did cry all the way back to KL.

everytime we say goodbye
i die a little
everytime we say goodbye
i wonder why a little
why the gods above me who must be in the know
think so little of me
they allow you to go...

recapture the dream

I want to come back to you
want to feel happy
about you again.
I want to look up at your eyes
and giggle with glee
not see the reflection
of the pain

pic via
layoutsparks.com

you've caused me.
I want to feel merry and good
and grateful for your love
not distant and remote
and somewhere far above.
I want to fly to your arms
like a child
sailing off a swing.
I want to remember
the warmth
your loving can bring.
I'm so tired of the chill
the winter
the snow.
Can't we rekindle the fires
and bring back the glow?
So much between us
so much sorrow
it would seem...

Sad

Sad is a place that is deep and dark

like the space under the bed.

Sad is a place that is high and light

like the sky above my head.

When it's deep and dark

I don't dare go there.

When it's high and light

I want to be thin air.

pic via wallsave.com

Sometimes sad is big
It's everywhere, all over me.

                                   Sometimes I'm sad and I don't know why
                                   It's just a cloud that comes along and cover me up.

Where is sad?
Sad is anywhere
it comes along and finds you.

                                            When is sad?
                                            Sad is anytime
                                           it comes along and finds you.

                                                                                       Who is sad?
                                                                                       Sad is anyone
                                                                                      It comes along and finds you.


Excerpts from
Michael Rosen's Sad Book

Finding my way to You

Today
I realise
more than other days
that
sometimes
for some of us
we would have
to lose
everything
and everyone
we love
before
we can
find
our way
to
Allah.

Listen...and stop being sad

But listen to me;
for one moment, quit being sad

hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you.

Days full of wanting,

let them go

by without worrying that they do.

- Jalaluddin Rumi

when sorrow is a blessing

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, "It tastes sweet, does it not?" 
"You've caught me," grief answered, "and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it's a blessing?"

- Jalaluddin Rumi -

if we never make it

i am going through a difficult patch where personal relationship or love is concerned right now. infact, there has been an increase of rough patches of late, one after another. it makes me wonder if we will make it through, if this is a sign that sometimes certain things are not meant to be no matter how hard you try. it makes me wonder if it is time to let go and walk away.  i feel tired but most of all i feel sad. i tell myself that Allah knows best, and i tell myself that the ultimate love i should seek is Him and to have a man who loves me in my life and to love back is just a bonus. it is true what has always been said, "you can plan but Allah shall determine it all." i have sadness in my heart but in Allah i shall leave my fate, my future and my life, and to Him i should give my heart. if only things are as simple and as easy as they sound...

sadness, will you leave me alone?

what do you do when you cannot shake off the sadness? when you tell yourself to look at things positively and bask in the sunshine and this time, it does not work? what do you do? what do you tell yourself when you read the verses of Al-Isnyirah to ease your heart and it doesn't work? what do you tell yourself when sadness overwhelms you?

it is ironic that i wrote about throwing out your sadness out of the coffee mug, drawing similarities it might have with cold coffee and replacing it with a hot one that provides you with warmth and happiness, but today finding myself overwhelmed with sadness that not even a hot mug of coffee would console me.that trying to throw out that cold leftover coffee is an effort in itself.

i am supposed to be positive right? that with every heartbreak, every sorrow, every sadness, there will be the balm for it especially in prayers to Allah. do you think if i cry enough, the sadness will leave me? that if i pray hard enough, the sadness will go and my heart will have some ease and feel consoled?

sadness overwhelms me today but yes i will not let it rule me or dictate my day. i shall pray to Allah and hope that sadness will go and leave me alone.

throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...

cupcakes to chase the blues away

been over a year since i last met adam, on a cold winter morning last january. my butt was freezing but my heart was warm. it has been a year and i never knew i could go on this long...

time can be kind when you're counting the weeks and years pass together, but swift-handed and cruel when you're watching the days float away since you last saw each other.

i took that picture last year while i was visiting adam during one of the rare occassions when he actually had the time to go for walks with me. it was silly to be walking out in the cold, but we did not have much time together and every hour we got to spend together was magical and meaningful, and the cold was something we could bear, before of course having him laugh at seeing me freezing and before running into one of the nearby stores for some warmth. i miss those times with him. today somehow the pain at missing him feels an awful lot more, gets unbearable at times, that i wish i can turn the days, the hours, the minutes... just so that i can have that one day to spend with him.

well maybe it is a good day to take myself off from my research work which i have been struggling to concentrate on and retreat into the kitchen to find some sanctuary there. maybe it is the day to try and make some good nutella cupcakes that i have been meaning to try out for some time. maybe it will add some life into this heart of mine and give me happiness to have my boys enjoy some little sweetness i can give, and maybe it will be able to tuck away the sadness and loneliness in the far corner of my heart.


cupcakes with magical nutella buttercream frosting

choc cupcakes ( u can use any cupcake recipe u find good, choc or vanilla) 
makes 15-16

1/2 cup butter, room temp
1 1/4 cup sugar
2 large eggs, room temp
3/4 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cups unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cups milk
1 tsp vanilla

preheat the oven to 350F / 177C

in a mixing bowl, beat with butter until softened and smooth. add sugar and beat for a few minutes, until light and fluffy. add eggs one at a time, beating after each until well combined.

in a small bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cocoa powder. in a separate small bowl, combine milk and vanilla.

add about 1/3 of dry ingredients to butter and sugar and mix until well combined. add about 1/2 of wet ingredients to mixture and mix until combined. continue alternating dry and wet and mix until combined. continue alternating dry and wet, mixing in between, and finish with remaining dry ingredients.

fill cupcake tins/ cups about 1/2 full (do not overfill). bake around 20-25 minutes.

** if u want just nutella butter cream swirled on top of your cupcake, try this:
nutella buttercream

1/2 cup butter, room temp
1 cup nutella
1 cup powdered sugar, sifted
1-2 tbsp milk

beat butter until smooth. add nutella and beat together until throughly combined. slowly add powdered sugar, mixing until combined. add 1 tbsp of milk. add additional milk or powdered sugar as needed to reach desired consistency.

**if u prefer what i prefer, some nutella in the cupcake and some frosting on top, here's
the magical nutella buttercream frosting
enough for 24 cupcakes

2 sticks (227gms) unsalted butter, softened
1 13oz jar of nutella
pinch of fine grain sea salt (or fine salt)
1 tbsp vanilla extract
2 pounds (3-4 cups) confectioners/ powdered sugar, sifted
6-8 tbsps heavy cream/ milk

in a large mixing bowl, cream butter  and nutella until well combined. slowly add in confectioners sugarand continue creaming until well blended.

add salt, vanilla, and 3 tbsps of heavy cream or milk. blend on low speed until moistened. add an additional of 3-5 tbsps of heavy cream or milk until reach desired consistency. beat at high speed until frosting is smooth and fluffy.

the magical part: hollow out small center of cupcake, pipe in nutella ( i use my watermelon scoop). top with buttercream and a piece of chocolate hazelnut candybar (if u can find any or replace it with hazelnut mini wafer bar).


let's eat some cupcakes to chase the blues away...

letting go

my thaqif in the middle who has just turned 12 last december 6 received an offer to further his secondary studies at Mara Junior Science College (MRSM) in Baling, Kedah, at least a 5-hour drive from KL. it is a Cambridge programme where he will sit for both the O level examination at the end of form four enabling him to further his studies overseas a year ahead of his peers in normal programme offered in other MRSMs (and public schools) and without sitting for the Malaysian Education Certificate or SPM at the end of form five. then again, the students are encouraged to continue with form five and sit for SPM. i have always wanted my boys to have this opportunity and this cambridge programme is a new programme offered in only four MRSMs out of just over 40 MRSMs all over Malaysia, i believe. and for thaqif to be selected after sitting for an interview and examination last december is to be thankful for. of course there is a tinge of pride that he has been selected but then again, he could not have done it without the blessings of Allah. and i was totally leaving it to Him when it comes to thaqif's future.

anyhow, thaqif is slated to register on january 25 and despite being excited over him getting the offer, i found myself crying for a few days after having pretty much decided that he should not let this opportunity pass. i initially thought that if he actually succeeded but is placed in an MRSM as far as Baling, i would not let him go. but now that he has gotten in and ironically enough to the last place i had hoped for, i could not just say no. it would be great for his future i am sure. but... i am having a hard time letting go.

as i write this, i am crying, fearing how i would feel when i leave him behind. i hope he will be ok too because if he isn't, it would be even harder for me to get through my days. i know in time, he will settle down and perhaps enjoy his boarding school life to the fullest. and i would probably get used to it but not fully enough that not one day will pass that i shall not miss him. my little boy is growing up and is leaving the nest before i am prepared to let go. maybe i will never be prepared enough no matter how old he is. but this, this is too early. and i am having such a difficult time.

this reminds me of my conversation with a pediatrician about the bond between mothers and their kids. "the doctor might have cut off the umbilical cord when we give birth, but in reality, the invisible umbilical cord between a mother and her child grows longer each day, that there could never be the right day to let go."

i shall miss u my baby, every second of my every day...

i now know

life has shown me
that the world is not a place
but the vastness of a soul.
and my soul is nothing more than love
limitless, endless
that move me
toward believing what is true.
i once thought
that love was supposed to be nothing
but bliss...
i now know
it is also
sadness
and
grief.

adieu

i packed most of my things at my office today. shredded and threw many things, mainly notebooks, documents, print outs of PR related matters, and name cards that i have been holding on to for many years. funny that i kept them for so long when i actually didn't need any of them, have never needed them since a long time ago. most of the business cards i threw have names of people whom i can hardly remember.  i am pretty sure that many of them have probably even left the organisations they were with.  even so, i felt difficult to actually throw some of the things out. notebooks of many years ago, detailing out tasks and assignments of the day, things that needed to be done, priorities listed out, numbers and names of contacts, suppliers, media members, plans for community programmes - all these going as far back as fifteen years ago or more. for a while, and it was quite a long while, it felt like i was throwing a big part of my life away.  the feelings lingered, my throat choking as i held back tears, as i pushed myself to throw the things i never needed all this while but having a hard time parting with. i just threw them into the trash bag, willing myself not to fish them out.  a number of things, i had a second look at, having a hard time to decide, to keep or to throw.  how is it that i never look for them all this while, never had any need of them and yet find difficulty in throwing out? 
i have packed almost all my other things. have to admit some i am still keeping not because i need them but more of the sentimental value i have of those things, mainly scraps of papers, little gifts, poems i wrote many years ago related to people i love, have loved and lost along the way. some, no matter how close to my heart they are, i pulled all my strength to part with, shredded them into a million pieces... for a while, it was shredding a part of my life, my soul...
as i walked from the office kitchen to the front, i looked around and remembered when we had first moved in. how we had painted the walls, a number of us, deciding on the colours, each one having their own part of the walls to paint. we were loud and happy, and had looked forward to many good years then. but things changed, the years never got easy, we had our ups and downs, still a lot of laughs, many disappointments and frustrations, we still had hopes and many people came and went. 
i remember so many things. i can close my eyes and see those years of vanessa and i, and many of the girls and guys that have worked with us, each leaving their mark, each giving us some happiness, some disappointments, some new things to learn with and about. life will never be quite the same again. 
as i drove home this afternoon, i felt this emptiness in my heart that i could not quite grasp.  i know i am doing the right thing as i move forward with my life, i know i am doing what is required for my future and perhaps it won't feel as bad as time passes. but right now, my throat still chokes up a tear, my heart still aches with emptiness and my soul still whimpers like a little child...