As life moves on, death comes knocking

Been too long. The last time I wrote was almost a year ago. What can I say? Well, I can say that I was too busy, that I had for a time lost my passion to write, that the day was passing by too quickly and that I had too much to do that writing on this blog had to pass, put aside for another day. Another day became weeks, months and almost a year. And I am back now. Wanted to for a while but never finding myself in front of the laptop. Always an errand to run, the boys to attend to, a cake to bake, clothes to fold, house to dust, floor to mop, a book I had been hoping to finish a month ago to catch up on... always something that needed more attention than my writing.

I can say that I actually missed writing. Maybe even found my passion back which had been kind of lackluster in the months that had passed. I want to be able to do this as often as I can, just like I wish I can read as often as I can. But then, again, there is always something else that needs my attention more than this, so we will see. Take it a day at a time, no promises, no guarantees.

This was in the morning.

Since I last wrote, summer had come and went. Fall too. And now winter is in its final days. Spring is already in the air. Temperatures rising to a nice cool breeze even though the wind today is so strong that I refused to go out for my run or I will end up frozen. My neck cannot stand the cold, it goes all tight and stiff but that is a story for another day. Anyhow the snow is melting now. This morning I went "ooh I can see the grass again." We had a good battering last week with an 8-inch snow. It snowed in the wee hours of the morning at about 5 am and went on until the evening and I had a gala time shoveling, and ended up with sore shoulders. Signs of aging perhaps?

Where the front steps should be.

Snow all over and inching up.

Finally, the snow is melting away.

A book from Lincoln a number of years ago

It's been a sad week too. On Monday morning, got a call from the ex that a friend of ours Lincoln, an Aussie residing in Jakarta had passed away. He was a guy who was full of warmth, great charm, lots of kindness and he was so funny, you  are guaranteed to be laughing away when you are with him. He was first introduced to the boys and I by the ex. And he was so good to us, referring to himself as Uncle Supermodel Lincoln and the boys were very fond of him. He had cookies and snacks for them each time they were at his apartment, and he was also the one who got the boys the chance of a lifetime of swimming with the dolphins. The last time I met him was three years back when he came down for a short visit to KL. He came to the house and I had made some pecan pie and we had always caught up on Facebook, a short note, always a loving note from him for me and the boys. It was so sudden. He was supposed to be back in Sydney, so close to his mom and always talking about his mom to us. But it seems that he fell in the bathroom about a week or so after his birthday in February, short of a week or two before he was supposed to leave for Sydney. The whole story is still unclear as I have yet to hear from the ex who is now in Jakarta attending Lincoln's cremation and staying till the weekend. But I know he was admitted and discharged last Thursday. And on Sunday started vomiting and was taken to the hospital by close friends, and passed on that night after 10pm. The news caught me by surprise and I just felt so very sad. It was surreal to hear and acknowledge that he is now gone. The world is less funny now without him, that is for sure.

And that same day in the evening before I went to bed, read on Facebook that a course mate who had been in coma for the last three weeks had too left this world. Mutual friends said that she went to the dentist and had a tooth pulled out a few weeks ago. A day or two later, she developed fever and fainted and was brought to the hospital. Blood tests revealed that she had acute leukemia, stage 4 and she quickly fell into a coma soon after. What is sad is that she never woke up, and family and friends never had a chance to say goodbye to the conscious her.

Death makes you think of your own mortality. It makes you sad to hear of friends who had passed, friends whom you did not have a chance to say a last goodbye. But it also makes you think about your own death. Makes you think about how fragile life is on this earth. Makes you think about your relationship with Allah and if you are anywhere close to ready of returning to Him for He is the Ultimate One and with Him is the ultimate destination.

Death makes you  wonder if God considers those who had done good in life but had not followed His path. You pretty much think you know the answer to that but at the end of the day, you don't have the answers. You cannot tell for sure. It is a mystery to us all. We will only find out when we have "stepped" over to the other side. By then, it will all be too late to blog it down. Ah... my attempt at making things light.

Mysteries, Yes

Today, we live with mysteries too marvelous to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever in allegiance with gravity,
while we ourselves dream of rising.

How two hands touch and the bonds will never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always,
from those who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
"Look!" and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their head.

- Mary Oliver

Farewell Lincoln.  Al-Fatihah Kay-Own.

Of uninvited guests and season's change

It has been a long time since my last entry.  Ramadan came and went. I celebrated Eid away from the family, with just the two boys eating homemade instant nasi impit and Adam away at work. Totally different from what life has been. I am not complaining. Whining? May sound like it but really I am not. I chose this path, I knew what lie ahead. To be fair to myself, of course I do not know the exact situation and emotions that would engulf me but I knew enough that sadness would sometimes come for a visit, and that loneliness can sometimes be an uninvited guest. I had a choice and I picked this. Pros and cons, good and bad. I made my bed and I must now lie on it and choose to have good dreams and fight off the nightmares. But yes there is much happiness too in our household, smiles and laughters amid the tears that at times still find its way back to me.

Anyhow for quite a while then, I just couldn't find time nor passion to write down my thoughts. I think about it all the time but I never could quite find my way back to this blog until today that is. Boys are busy at school. Yes they are in school. My nervousness over them adjusting to school here is basically over. They actually enjoy school which challenges their creativity and mind, and believe it or not, they are reading like there is no tomorrow.  I have never seen them reading as much as they are now. Thaqif even read my entire collection of Mitch Albom's books and both he and Ruiz even read one of my favourite books, The Kite Runner. How awesome is that? It used to be pretty difficult getting them to read back when we were in KL. Thoriq was always the bookworm just like mommy but never these two and now I cannot be more pleased.

I get to speak to mak and bak at least once in two weeks, once a week if I am lucky thanks to Al and Viber and I am thankful to Allah for that. I still write them at least once a month. Love sending cards but have been having a tough time with missing cards and mails that somehow don't reach the recipients, five cards to date. God knows where they ended up.

It is Fall here, my favourite time of the year since the weather is cool and the trees are bursting with colours. They are so amazing that you can't help but say Glory be to Allah and glory be to Him indeed. The weather is getting colder though now that winter is fast approaching. Some days already require winter jackets and the snow made its first appearance last week, a sneak peek for the boys as it was just for a half day and not too heavy. The boys of course were excited. Mommy too. I can't stand the cold but I do love watching the snow falls. Most trees are losing their leaves already, and by that you can tell that winter will be knocking on the door soon.