journey

"in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity" 

my journey of difficulty has started, and all this in seeking that opportunity for a better future. i am referring to my journey in completing my master's.  finally started in may, and i would be lying if i say i am not nervous or anxious, having left studies a long, long time ago.  this is a new ballgame totally for me. studies this time is uncomparable to studying for my first degree where you go for classes, sit for exams and complete assignments. i have this time unlike many people, opted to do my master's in research mode. not many people like that, choosing instead to go for coursework, a simpler, much more relaxing mode of attending classes and doing all other tasks similar to when they were back doing their first degree. in this short two months i started, i realised what a challenge master's by research is. the strong discipline you need in getting your work going, the mess you can be in when you cannot find any literature that you need, the confusion you get into which is often, trust me, the pressure to start and producing work and i mean valid work that will show you are progressing.  after my first weekend of research skills seminar last weekend, i realised that this is a good learning process for me if i ever intend to pursue my PhD, as they are similar in the way things are done. they both need to be in research mode, a lot of researching and writing, a pressuring need to ensure you have exhausted all avenues when it comes to literature and past studies in order to be able to make a claim in your own study. i met a number of PhD students that two days, infact most of the students who attended the seminar were made up of PhD students and i was actually relieved that they too including the rest of the master students were more or less in a confused mode.  many are getting ready for their defend of proposal stage and i myself am targeting to have it done by august, insyaAllah.  but before i can even come to that, i have so much to do and read and write.  and since my area of research is so current - social media and malaysian politics, i am so worked up in ensuring i am updated about the current happenings in our political scene.  i have drawn up a very tight schedule for my research work and i realised i come off looking too ambitious which i mentioned to my supervisor the other day.  but he has been really supportive in saying that it is doable and achievable and that by all means, if i am able, to stick to what i have drawn up. i am pressured to meet my deadlines, i am stressed to a point, my work is at the top of my head most times, infact i woke up one morning panicking on lagging behind and feeling totally lost.  it is of no assurance that my supervisor and the other professors at the seminar stressing that we will go through many episodes of that from time to time. i am also looking out for my relationship with Allah, finding the medicine to my soul, realising fully well that He is totally all i need for seeing the light ahead of what is now a pretty dim tunnel.  but insyaAllah i have faith, and i must see myself through this, and i believe that what is a dim tunnel now will be brighter soon. i remember one of the professors at the seminar saying that master's by research or PhD is a selfish journey, a journey of me, myself and i, a journey that's likened to a bed of roses - smells and looks good but painful when u lie on the bed. but for us to persevere and the journey will be better eventually.

as for adam, Alhamdulillah he is doing well in his rotation. he has completed two of his cores - OBGYN and surgical, and is now on his third which is family practice with another 3 weeks to go i think.  he is up for 12 weeks of  internal medicine right after. he would have two more cores to complete - pediatric and psychology and in between he would probably sit for the first part of his exam.  he has been getting As in his papers, and i am really proud of him.  but the problem that is plaguing him constantly is financial which i wish i can help out with but unable to unfortunately.  aside from that, he met many muslim friends of various racial background when he was doing surgical. he ended up being closest to one whom i had pinned much hope on teaching adam with matters relating to practising Islam such as solat and reading and memorising the important surahs.  he had infact initially sent adam some materials on Islam and they spent some time on and off discussing Islam. unfortunately they are both doing different rotations now and there isn't much contact of late.  can't say that i am not disappointed but i am praying that their path will meet again soon or Allah will bring someone else who can help in guiding adam in being a better muslim.

funny but not in the laugh out loud sense that adam and i are both studying with the hope that the end result of this journey, with all the stress, distance, pain and heartache, will give us a good life together. we have lesser time with each other these days but so far, we have been staying pretty solid i would say, on matters pertaining to the future that we want together.  i know what i want right now but i am also very much aware that i can only plan things.  that what would actually happen ahead will all be in God's hands, and in Him, i place all my faith, doa and hope for the best.  

the road not taken

this poem by robert frost is apt to reflect the journey i am embarking on, as i take on a different road, one that's less traveled, with hopes that it will make all the difference, in good ways insyaAllah...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

and sorry i could not travel both

and be one traveler, long i stood

and looked down one as far as i could

to where it bent in the undergrowth;

                  then took the other, as just as fair,               

and having perhaps the better claim

because it was grassy and wanted wear,

though as for that the passing there

had worn them really about the same,

and both that morning equally lay

in leaves no step had trodden black.

oh, i marked the first for another day!

yet knowing how way leads on to way

i doubted if i should ever come back.

i shall be telling this with a sigh

somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and i,

i took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost

adieu

i packed most of my things at my office today. shredded and threw many things, mainly notebooks, documents, print outs of PR related matters, and name cards that i have been holding on to for many years. funny that i kept them for so long when i actually didn't need any of them, have never needed them since a long time ago. most of the business cards i threw have names of people whom i can hardly remember.  i am pretty sure that many of them have probably even left the organisations they were with.  even so, i felt difficult to actually throw some of the things out. notebooks of many years ago, detailing out tasks and assignments of the day, things that needed to be done, priorities listed out, numbers and names of contacts, suppliers, media members, plans for community programmes - all these going as far back as fifteen years ago or more. for a while, and it was quite a long while, it felt like i was throwing a big part of my life away.  the feelings lingered, my throat choking as i held back tears, as i pushed myself to throw the things i never needed all this while but having a hard time parting with. i just threw them into the trash bag, willing myself not to fish them out.  a number of things, i had a second look at, having a hard time to decide, to keep or to throw.  how is it that i never look for them all this while, never had any need of them and yet find difficulty in throwing out? 
i have packed almost all my other things. have to admit some i am still keeping not because i need them but more of the sentimental value i have of those things, mainly scraps of papers, little gifts, poems i wrote many years ago related to people i love, have loved and lost along the way. some, no matter how close to my heart they are, i pulled all my strength to part with, shredded them into a million pieces... for a while, it was shredding a part of my life, my soul...
as i walked from the office kitchen to the front, i looked around and remembered when we had first moved in. how we had painted the walls, a number of us, deciding on the colours, each one having their own part of the walls to paint. we were loud and happy, and had looked forward to many good years then. but things changed, the years never got easy, we had our ups and downs, still a lot of laughs, many disappointments and frustrations, we still had hopes and many people came and went. 
i remember so many things. i can close my eyes and see those years of vanessa and i, and many of the girls and guys that have worked with us, each leaving their mark, each giving us some happiness, some disappointments, some new things to learn with and about. life will never be quite the same again. 
as i drove home this afternoon, i felt this emptiness in my heart that i could not quite grasp.  i know i am doing the right thing as i move forward with my life, i know i am doing what is required for my future and perhaps it won't feel as bad as time passes. but right now, my throat still chokes up a tear, my heart still aches with emptiness and my soul still whimpers like a little child...