sadness, will you leave me alone?

what do you do when you cannot shake off the sadness? when you tell yourself to look at things positively and bask in the sunshine and this time, it does not work? what do you do? what do you tell yourself when you read the verses of Al-Isnyirah to ease your heart and it doesn't work? what do you tell yourself when sadness overwhelms you?

it is ironic that i wrote about throwing out your sadness out of the coffee mug, drawing similarities it might have with cold coffee and replacing it with a hot one that provides you with warmth and happiness, but today finding myself overwhelmed with sadness that not even a hot mug of coffee would console me.that trying to throw out that cold leftover coffee is an effort in itself.

i am supposed to be positive right? that with every heartbreak, every sorrow, every sadness, there will be the balm for it especially in prayers to Allah. do you think if i cry enough, the sadness will leave me? that if i pray hard enough, the sadness will go and my heart will have some ease and feel consoled?

sadness overwhelms me today but yes i will not let it rule me or dictate my day. i shall pray to Allah and hope that sadness will go and leave me alone.

Wherever we set foot

On this wonderful Friday,

Wherever we set foot, it was Your street

Whatever corner we turned, it was Your name in the air.

We said, 'Surely there would be a road leading elsewhere?'

But every road we found, it led to You.

- Isma'il Anqarawi -

Juma'ah Mubarak everyone.

Words to lure the breath of that sweet One

pic via everyculture.com

These sayings of mine are really a prayer to God,

words to lure the breath of that sweet One.

If you seek an answer from God,

how then can you fail to pray?

How can you be silent, knowing He always replies to

your, "O Lord?" with, "I am here".

His answer is silent but you can feel it from head to toe.

Masnavi 2.1189-1191

Jalaluddin Rumi

from Rumi III

much to tell but too little time and have to make this a quick post. thaqif was home for a week and has gone back. everything good have to come to an end, eventually and unfortunately. it was hard to part ways for both thaqif and i, and he cried when i was leaving him and again that breaks my heart. on another more uplifting note, i have submitted my three chapters of research work which is also my defence proposal to the faculty last week, yes there was a mistake about the defence dates, and Alhamdulillah, Allah has eased my way, and insyaAllah in two to three weeks time, i will be defending my proposal. at the same time, i have gotten the green light to continue with my data collection part of the research and i am now terribly busy getting and going for the interviews and transcribing. the transcribing is the worse part and taking so much of my time, it is kinda driving me half insane there. a close friend who happens to be a lecturer and thus has gone through the same trying times told me i should listen to that old song "I will Survive". maybe i would take up his suggestion soon, ha ha. anyhow i have to run, because i have lots to do, and time waits for no man, in my case woman. just wanted to share these beautiful verses from Rumi with you as it touches my heart when i stumbled upon it, and it is something i wish to share with others. oh and the picture is courtesy of another blog which i should give credit to, but i can't seems to track it back. i will insyaAllah and when i do, shall post up the credit for the lovely picture which is a calligraphy i believe, and sketched beautifully into the figure of a whirling dervish. anyhow, i really have to run now, enjoy the lovely verses and have a wonderful day filled with sunshine everyone, and may Allah bless you always.

In Your light I learned how to love

In Your beauty, how to make poems

You danced inside my chest where no one sees You

but sometimes I do

and that sight become this art.

- Jalaluddin Rumi -

engraved on the stars

i cannot stop humming this song today. sung by yuna, the malaysian girl who is making it big in New York now is like a feel good song for me. if you hear me hum this song, you know i am in a cheery mood. the song is called, "terukir di bintang" which loosely translated in english means "engraved on the stars" and i keep singing the part "terukir di bintang, tak mungkin hilang, cinta ku pada mu" which again in english means "engraved on the stars, my love for you shall never fade". ewww maybe i can come up with a better translation for that another time. maybe it should be "engraved on the stars, i shall always love you". oh whatever it is, i am sure you get the gist of what it means.

anyhow this feel good song goes out to my three boys, ruiz, thaqif and thoriq and of course to the man i love in New York, my adam - and just because my love for you is engraved on the stars :)

as for the rest of you, enjoy the song. i hope it makes you feel good too...

throwing out sadness from my coffee mug

today i wake up feeling weepy. maybe it is that time of the month (oh you know. if you don't, go figure). it was made worse when i was told by the post graduate centre that i missed the last date of defence for research proposal which was just last month when the irony was that i was presenting at my faculty on one of those particular dates instead (and to be told by one of the professors how he thought i have gone and passed through my defence). i actually already knew that i have missed the date as i browsed the post-grad website last night and saw the missed dates. but i had expected another new schedule for next month at least if not this month, and was told that i have to wait until may for the next defence session. my heart fell and i heard myself asking the lady on the other end of the phone "can't my supervisor arrange with the centre for a date for me to do my defence?" and i heard her giving me a sympathetic "no, i am afraid not." i tried further, "but i have presented at the faculty and what i have presented is basically what it is for my defence. i cannot wait till may, what will i do until then?" again she emphatised with me but told me firmly that there is nothing much she can do about it, because defence sessions are only held a few times each year. i found that such a stupid policy or procedure which would delay anyone like me from completing their research work earlier but what can i do?

i was determined to have things done, so there i was early in the morning, already making a call to my supervisor. one try, and no answer, two tries and no answer. biting my lips, and with a heavy heart, i told myself to give it a bit of time. less than ten minutes later, he called, mr supervisor i mean. i believe he heard the disappointment in my voice and told me i could prepare the paperwork for defence and in the meantime, i could start interviewing people for the qualitative part of my research. i was almost wailing (i hope not) "what am i to do till may?" he said to come in and see him next week and settle a few things, get my paper screened for plagiarism, have amendments done if it is over the percentage allowed, get all the paperwork and documents done (which i found is surprisingly quite a lot to deal with, but i am not complaining if only i have that defence done with, which unfortunately i won't) and then proceed with my data collection despite not getting a nod of pass and approval from that panel of professors  i was looking forward, albeit the nervousness, to meet.

by the time adam called at mid-morning, i was so weepy, that was all that was needed to trigger off the tears. i did not allow him to see my face on my iphone (facetime, if you do not know it yet), and when he asked me why, i told him i am pouting, which i realised now was ridiculous. he knew i was upset with him since last night when he was rushing to the hospital and told me to save money when i wanted a quick call before going to bed. so my weepiness must have started way before and maybe i should blame it on my women's special time of the month. so anyway there i was blabbering to him about how i missed him and how inconsiderate he was, and how i cannot get over the fact that i will not be seeing him this may, and how it will be until the end of the year before i make that trip to see him, and how my research work is going to be delayed by all the silly procedures, and how i need to complete my research by year end and have it done and over with as i had planned, and how i was trying to keep him happy by not complaining, and how i was trying to keep the boys happy by keeping my promise of taking them to New York and thus the need to save, save, save, and how i am tired of being strong and that i cannot find more strength but somehow always do (am i making sense here?), and how i am not as strong as him but i am stronger than most women (i do have time to demand some credit for myself, you know), and how i tell myself one day i am fine with not seeing him this may and then try my damndest luck to find ways and reasons to go see him, to which i tell myself i am being super silly because i have already decided that the end of the year is the best as i have the boys and will be a good time for us to settle down finally, and asking why is it things are so difficult, and adam just let me be weepy and listened.

when i was done, i realised how foolish i can be, that i should appreciate and be thankful for what i have instead of allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. everyone have sadness right? what good would it do to wallow in it? sadness comes and goes, at times forgotten. life still has to move on, and we need to look at all the positive things around us, count our blessings and be thankful for what God has given us.

i read somewhere that without trials and tribulations, we tend to forget Him, the Almighty. without trials and tribulations, life might be too easy and trivial and boring. we need some adventure to liven up our days, to fill up our souls, to move closer to Allah for in Him that we find everlasting love, everlasting hope, everlasting consolation and contentment.

i have certainly complained too much today. it is time i stop whining, step back, bask in the sunshine, say thanks to Allah, send my salaam to Rasulullah (pbuh), have faith in Allah for all the things that happened and the way events are being played out in my life, knowing He knows best, count all my blessings for all the good things in my life instead of complaining of what nots, and why nots, be thankful for my parents and siblings, look forward to my trip to bring thaqif home for a week semester break and my time with all my three boys, give thanks for adam, and stop short my despair. for what is there to despair? when there is so much i should be thankful for.

my happiness
is permanent
and absolute.


my sadness 
is transient
a temporary
forgetfulness
self-inflicted.

i read that from Taufiq Abdul Khalid's writings (whose writings, i have been crazy of, of late if you had stopped to notice). and bingo, what he said in that poem is true.sadness is like that  left-over coffee in my mug this morning, it can be forgotten and then get thrown out. when replaced with good strong freshly brewed coffee, voila the rest of the afternoon will be all good and bright again.

until later, time to throw out what's left of that sadness in my coffee mug, time to bask in the sunshine ( i have to run and collect ruiz from school today as promised as he has a sprained ankle) and time to thank God for all i have rather than despair for what is not meant to be...

mocha peach trifle

in the last few weeks, thoriq had been pestering me to make him some trifle, specifically the one with mocha and peach. i was going to do it before i left for my last trip to baling to see thaqif, but i was out of cream. and after that i decided to make chocolate chips for thaqif and thoriq basically had to wait for another week before mommy got her act together. i finally made some last monday and instead of a big bowl for the boys, i separated it into two bowls, with one being for my dearest friend vanessa and her family. when she heard me mention the trifle the last time, she was going "i want some too" and i would not be able to forgive myself if i made the trifle without giving her any. so the initial plan of one big bowl of trifle became two smaller bowls and believe it or not, the trifle i made in the evening lasted only until lunch time the next day. oh well, there goes my plan of having a few days of trifle. regardless what is important, i made thoriq happy and eventhough vanessa did not enjoy it as much as i was hoping (her complain being maybe too much mocha custard, which is weird because she is a coffee person and that is the reason she wanted it in the first place), i believed her boys and husband C enjoyed the trifle to a pretty far extent. anyhow, after posting the pics of the trifle, i was flooded (well i am exaggerating a little there) with requests for the recipe from friends. infact in the last few weeks, i have been recieving requests for a number of recipes including this chocolate chips i made for thaqif using oatmeal and three types of nuts. well i will post that recipe up and some pictures too to share here but for today, should you feel the need to have some trifle with a mix of mocha and chocolate, here goes:

1. coffee sponge cake
6 eggs
225 gm castor sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 tbsp instant coffee, dissolve in a little hot water
225 gm all purpose flour
in a heatproof bowl, placed over a pot of simmering water, beat eggs, sugar, vanilla essence and instant coffee until slightly warm, about 55C/130F. transfer to a cake mixture and beat vigorously until fairly cool. sift flour into the batter in small batches and mix well. pour the batter into a 24cm cake pan lined with greased parchment paper and bake for 25mins at 185C/365F.


2. sugar syrup
1/2 cup castor sugar
1/4 cup water
4 tbsp kahlua liquer ( i use 1 tbsp vanilla essence as a substitute. can use coffee flavouring if you have any. otherwise, can also omit)
bring sugar and water to a simmer. cool before flavouring with kahlua (or vanilla or coffee flavouring)


3. mocha custard
4 cups fresh milk
2 tbsp instant coffee
10 egg yolks
2 tbsp custard powder
100 gm butter, chilled and diced
bring milk and instant coffee to a simmer in a saucepan. in a separate bowl beat egg yolks with sugar and custard powder until fluffy. add half of the warm milk from the saucepan. stir to mix and pour back into the saucepan with the remaining milk. stir and continue cooking until the custard boils and begins to thicken. remove the heat and add the chilled butter. stir until dissolved. chill the custard before use.


4. chocolate cream
200 gm bittersweet chocolate
1 cup whipping cream
place chocolate and whipping cream in a heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water. stir until the chocolate melts. remove from the heat.


to assemble:
you need coffee sponge cake, sugar syrup, mocha custard, chocolate cream and you also need 1000 gm canned cling peaches, drain ed (about 3 to 4 cans of halved or/and sliced peaches. i use masterchef brand. i like putting halved as layers and the sliced ones on top. alternatively, i also use the halved ones when i do not have the sliced ones available).


place slices of coffee sponge cake at the base of trifle bowl. drizzle with sugar syrup. arrange a layer of peaches over the syrup. top with custard and drizzle with chocolate cream. repeat until all the ingredients are used, ending with a layer of peaches. (i top choclate cream on the final layer before peaches and drizzle bits mpre on the last layer of peaches). chill overnight before serving. but if you cannot wait just like my boys, chill for at least a few hours  or one if in urgent need, before you start eating.


**psssttt...time for a confession. i do not bake the coffee sponge cake. i kinda cheated and got a coffee swiss roll from the neighbourhood bakery instead. cannot find any existing or available coffee sponge cake so far, but hey it's worked well so far. if you want to bake the cake, then the recipe is up there, so bake away. have fun trying and happy eating.

from Rumi II

the moment I first heard of love

I gave up my soul, my heart, and my eyes

I wondered, could it be that

the lover and the beloved are two?

no, they have always been one

it is I who have been seeing double.

- Rumi -

Celebrating Bak and Mak

my brother Nazrie posted this touching poem on the Facebook family wall awhile ago to mark my beloved bak's birthday which is today and my much-loved mak's birthday which was on february 20. and after being unwell for many weeks, over a month actually, bak's long overdue eye "operation" was finally done today and alhamdulillah, everything went well. the "operation" was our siblings' birthday gift to him. but this saturday when my brother Nazrie and his family are back at my parents', and together with my other brother Al and whoever else joining, we will have a small celebration and i shall bring a cake, and we shall bring as much as love as possible to the table, laying it out for them, celebrating bak and mak's lives, a gift to us siblings from Allah, a gift we will always treasure, praying for good things for them especially for blessings from Allah swt.


To My Children


when I spill some food on my nice clean dress
or maybe forget to tie my shoe
please be patient and perhaps reminisce

about the many hours I spent with you.

when I taught you how to eat with care
plus tying laces and your numbers too

dressing yourself and combing your hair

those were precious hours spent with you.

so when I forget

what I was about to say

just give me a minute - or two

it probably wasn't important anyway

and I would much rather listen to you.

if I tell you the story one more time

and you know the ending through and through

please remember your first nursery rhyme

when I rehearsed it a hundred times with you.

when my legs are tired and it's hard to stand

or walk the steady pace that I would like to do

please take me carefully by my hand

and guide me now as I often did for you.

- Virginia Base -

God never asks for what you cannot give - Part I

The Lord is not asking what you cannot give.


The Lord is not asking you of the world
for the world is His already.
The Lord is not asking you of heaven
for heaven is His already.
The Lord is only asking for your remembrance
whispering into your conscience...
"O, My servant. Do you not remember Me?"




excerpt from the poem of the same title, Fellowship of Faiths by Taufiq Abdul Kadir