whispers from a mother's heart

my thaqif in the middle, the sweet, gentle-looking middle child of mine turned 11 at approximately 1.01pm yesterday, december 6.  how time flies and how he has grown, though not that much in size, i must say. gentle looking yes, but can be really fierce and very sensitive, i wonder where he got that from. well, errrrk... truth is he inherited that from his mommy, ouch... why can't children just inherit the good part of you and leave all the bad ones behind? anyhow thaqif is a year away from being a teenager, if you consider 12 years old as the first teenage year that is... and i wonder when he grew up. in a few years he would leave the nest and that means leaving me behind, to pursue his own life and dreams and destiny. and as a parent, we have to know when to let go. i don't know if i am ready for that. i look at thoriq and he is so big now. i didnt even realise it until he got taller and bigger than me. he is being a typical teenager, doesn't talk so much, mumbles a whole lot, being extra sensitive, prefers his friends to his brothers... most definitely, and sometimes rather stay home than being out with the family. were we like that before? preferring our own space than being stuck with the family?  ok maybe i am overdramatising that a bit.  anyhow, he still allows me to kiss him goodbye each time he leaves the house. he still hugs me and that's really endearing, and i so treasure that.  as for my youngest baby, ruiz, he will turn 9 end of next january. oh my god, how they all grow... i always tell ruiz that he should stay small so that i can cuddle him forever. and just the other day, he turned to me at the dinner table and said "mommy, i want to stay here for the rest of my life. even when i am big and working, i want to stay here so that i can always be with u, and i can take care of u." i was pretty taken aback with surprise. never expected him to say that, my warm cuddly 8 year old baby who is tall for his age and so chubby in size, i struggle to even pull him up. and there he was saying that he wanted to take care of mommy in all sincerity. well, don't worry, i will not hold that against him though i can. record it and save it and play it over and over to him should he ever want to leave me one day. haha...that is so insane of me. so nope, i will not do that though the thought of it makes me go grinning like a cheshire cat.  and this morning as i was driving just with thaqif, i asked thaqif "can u be a baby again?" and in reply, he asked me "how do we do that?" i looked at him and said "we shall think of a way. maybe we get some machine that will take us back to the past." what wishful thinking. my children will grow up, whether i like it or not, no matter how much i want to hold on to them and will them to stay little, or to wish upon a falling star that they somehow can get small as a pea and crawl back into my tummy so that they will always be with me, carried around any place i go... they will grow up and go through the phase of being a teenager, a man, become a husband and a father insyaAllah... and i have to learn to let go and never hold them back. all i can do as a mother is pray that they grow up to be good human beings with a kind heart and soul, good muslims, good sons, be successful in their lives and never forget their family, strong faith in Allah swt, have happy families of their own and come back to visit mommy every once a while or as often as we both like... isn't that every mother's wish for their children?
and on this day like it was on thoriq's birthday a month ago, i have this to say for my three boys:

my dearest first born child thoriq born at 915am on november 3 is the person who first showed me the miracle of this love a mother has for a child.  my first child is my best foot forward and the one i crow about to the world.

my middle child is the babe i hold in my arms for an hour after he has gone to sleep, incase if i put him down in his crib, he might wake up changed and fly away. my "thaqif in the middle" turns 11 yesterday at exactly 1.01pm and since then, he has never ceases to take my breath away.

But the last one: the baby who trails his scent like a flag of surrender through my life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. i could hardly stop rocking him, drinking the light from his skin, breathing his exhaled dreams. my heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on his cheeks. he's the one i can't put down. the one who will soon outgrow me, my baby for now, my ruiz who will soon turn 9 this coming january 31, born at precisely 11.55pm, 5 minutes away from the dawn of a new day.

a mother's body remembers her babies--the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. each child has its own entreaties to body and soul. and i don't dare say i love any of them more than the other. they are all beautiful and special in their own way and i savour that beauty, and the difference and the special ways that they are... i thank Allah for the every day and minutes and seconds i have them, and i shall live and bask in their love for as long as i have them...

happy camper

did i say that i finally got the books "Mastering the Art of French Cooking", the legendary cookbooks that inspired the movie "Julie & Julia"?  well truth is, josephine got them for me more than a week ago. i am now a happy camper, hehe... but i have to say though that the recipes/ contents look pretty overwhelming. i have not had the time to go through the recipes properly yet, what more trying any out. hope to do so soon...and i shall update as i go along...

yeaaaay finally, the famous cookbook vol 1&2
by julia child & simone beck

cry just a little for me

if i had just one tear running down your cheek
maybe i could cope
maybe i'd get some sleep
if i had just one moment at your expense
maybe all my misery would be well spent
could you cry a little
lie just a little
pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
i gave now i'm wanting
something in return
so cry just a little for me...

second chance

spend all your time waiting for that second chance
for the break that will make it ok
there's always some reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
they may be empty and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight...

to die for chilli cheese fries

ahhhhh... to die for...
i found this recipe and yummy looking pics by todd porter and diane cu, the white on rice couple (worc) this morning and it is a must try soon for me.  thoriq would love this dish... though i do not think it is a healthy dish to have all the time. the ironic thing is, the yummy-licious foods are always the ones that are also bad for the health - heart and cholestrol alike. no wonder you say, the food is to die for. anyhow, i am sure there is no harm in eating them once a while. everything has to be in moderation. especially food like this. i am posting the recipe and pics by the worc here as it is so much easier for me to access when i am in the mood to try the recipe out, instead of having to sort out through their busy blog...

cowboy bacon chilli cheese fries
image via worc, todd porter & diane cu


Spicy Bacon Cowboy Chili Recipe by Todd Porter and Diane Cu
"Two main factors influence the taste in the chili recipe: the BBQ sauce and the choice of chilies. We’ll usually use our homemade BBQ sauce, but use whichever you’re favorite it. For the spice factor, habaneros have a great spicy and flavor. There is a fruity roundness to compliment their Scoville factor which makes them one of our favorites to use, especially the Chocolate, Congo, or Red Sevilla Habaneros. Go with something more mild, like a jalapeno or thai chili, or even leave out the chilies all together if that is your preference. Just drop spicy from the name ! If you need a recipe for making fries to make chili fries, we suggest the Les Halles fries. They rock! Makes about 4 cups."


step 1

2 lbs Ground Beef, combination of top round and brisket is our favorite

6 strips (300g) Bacon, diced

1 lrg Sweet Onion, diced

4 cloves Garlic, crushed

1 -2 Habaneros, finely diced
1 c (237ml) BBQ Sauce
2 t (10g) Cayenne Pepper
2 t (10g) Chili Powder
2 t (10g) ground Cumin
2 T (30g) Paprika
2 T (30g) Brown Sugar
1 t (5g) fresh cracked Black Pepper
1/4 c (30g) Masa (corn flour), addition inspired by Pioneer Woman’s Chili Recipe
1 12 oz Beer

1. Heat a large sauce pan (preferably cast iron) over med-high heat. Add ground beef and bacon and cook until it is nearly cooked through and browned, stirring occasionally. Next add onion, garlic and habaneros and cook for another 2-3 minutes or until onions start to soften.

step 2

2. Add BBQ sauce, spices, brown sugar, fresh cracked pepper, masa and beer. Stir to combine, bring to a simmer, then lower heat to keep at a gentle simmer. Cook for 30 min – 1 hour, (flavors will develop more with the longer cooking time but isn’t a requirement) adding more beer or water if necessary to maintain a good “moistness” to the chili.

3. Serve the chili warm. Serving suggestions – Toppings- cheese, sour cream, diced green onions. As a base or alongside – tortilla chips, crusty bread, in a quesadilla, on fries, over a sausage dog or burger, as a pizza sauce, with pasta… The variations are endless!

all images via white on rice couple

seeking solace

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief

Qur'an 94:5-6

don't go far off, not even for a day...

don't go far off, not even for a day,
because... I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

don't leave me, even for an hour, because...
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.

don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
i'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
will you come back? will you leave me here, dying?

- Pablo Neruda -